Maimoon

The Repentance

Gaba daya jikina karkarwa yake yi saboda irin kukan da na keyi, ba me sound bane amma irin wanda karfinsa yake jijjiga jikin mutun din nan ne. What just happened to us? Ji nayi na tsani kaina gaba daya saboda ina ganin duk abinda ya faru laifina ne. I shouldn't have let Sultan come to America with me tunda nasan ni kadai ce ba kowa a tare dani. Daya biyoni din ma I should have stand my ground in nuna masa limit dinsa. Amma na barshi kusan komai tare muke yi, shi ba muharramina ba sannan ga strong attraction da yake a tsakanin mu. Na tuna lokacin da ya fara cewa yana sona, cemin yayi he has nothing yana so inyi sharing what I have with him. Nothing din da yace bayana nufin kudi ba, yana nufin many things da yayi lacking including tarbiyya, amma maimakon inyi sharing tarbiyyata with him sai na biye masa muka zama marassa tarbiyyar gaba daya. Na tuno maganar Amira da take cemin ita character is contagious, idan ni ban gyara shi ba shi zai iya lalata ni, gashi kuwa ta tabbata, ni nasan abubuwan da na aikata zuwa na America ko a mafarki akace min zan aikata something like that zance karya ne.

Ni nasan wannan abinda ya faru dani har da alhakin iyaye na a ciki. Sunyi iyakacin kokarinsu gurin bani tarbiyya amma nake cin amanar su ina bin Sultan, na tuno abinda na ke yi a Abuja da England, sai inyi wa Mommy karyar zanje unguwa mu fito da driver sai inyi ditching drivern in bi Sultan, instead of in yace min inzo muje yawo in ce masa a'a in yana son gani na yazo ya same ni a gidan mu.

Na tuna irin kallon da collected dina suke min tunda muka zo America suka ganni tare da Sultan, a lokacin sam ban damu ba, gani nake what people think about me doesn't matter, tunda kullum abinda Sultan yake ce min kenan, but abinda na manta shine mutunci da darajar mutum yana tattare ne da shaidar da mutane suke bayarwa a kansa, kuma ko mutuwa mutum yayi malaiku suna rubuta shaidar da mutane suke bayarwa a kansa, yanzu ni na tabbatar idan na mutu shaidar da colleagues dina zasu bayar a kaina shine ina kawo namiji dakina, maybe ma wasu daga cikin su su kira ni da mazinaciya, sunan da kadan ne ya rage min in amsa shi.

Nan tunanin mutuwa yazo min. Yanzu da zan mutu na tabbatar wuta zanje, annabi saw cewa yayi damu 'kada ku kusanci zina' amma ni exactly opposite abinda yace min nayi. Nan take wani irin tsoron Allah ya fara shigata, kukana ya tsananta, cikin kukan na fara kiran astagfirullah, astagfirullah har sai da murya ta da dashe ni kaina bana jin me nake cewa. Wani sanyi naji yana ratsani sannan na tuna har yanzu babu kaya a jikina, bedsheet din kan gadon na jawo na kudinduna ina karkarwa, a hankali naji na daina jin sanyin, kukan ma ya tsaya sai ajjiyar zuciya. Na sa hannuna na shafa fuskata ina goge hawayena, anan na taba lips dina da suka ɗan kumbura, Sultan has kissed me today kuma wannan ba shine abinda nafi regretting ba kamar the fact that I kissed him back. I should have control myself but I didn't, I was too weak, too soft.

Na kalli hannuna naga zoben da Sultan ya bani last week. Sai a lokacin na tuna dashi a toilet, duk da abinda ya faru sai naji ina wondering if he is OK? Ba motsi sam a toilet din, what if I hit him too hard? Na mike a hankali na dauki kayana dana ajiye na fara sakawa, sai a lokacin na tuna cewa na saba kumfa a jikina ban dauraye ba, na kalli jikina naga babu kumfa babu alamarta. Na saka kayana ba tare da ko mai na shafa a jikina ba, turare ma sai dai yayi hakuri yau kam. A madubi na kalli fuskata naga tayi fari tas tamkar babu jini. Idona ya kumbura sosai saboda kukan da nayi, na dauko shades a cikin handbag dina na saka, na tuna Sultan ne ya saya mana rannan iri daya ni dashi. A kwatina kawai naja nayi gaba, har nakai bakin kofa sai na tsaya ina kallon kofar toilet, har yanzu babu motsi a ciki, na karasa gurin na zare key din daga jikin kofar na tsugunna a hankali na tura shi ta kasan kofar. Still banji motsi ba.

Hankali na naji bai kwanta ba, na leka ta keyhole, a zaune na ganshi ya jingina da bango yana facing kofar, idonsa a lumshe, side din fuskarsa daya da jini alamar karfen yaji masa ciwo, na jima ina kallonsa sannan na lura kirjinsa yana dagawa alamar numfashi, sai a lokacin na lura cewa kayan jikinsa complete suke har da takalmi da agogo, sai dai yanzu gaba daya kayan sun jike da kumfar da ya goge daga jikina.