To Trust Is A Miracle (A Spoby/PLL FanFic)

Thinking

**DEDICATED TO iam_food because here is the update! Lol onto the story!! **

Spencer's POV

I can't believe we did that. Well, I did that. I have no idea what came over me. 

"You still love him." the voice in my head shouts. 

No, I refuse to believe that. And even if I did, we still couldn't be together. This whole thing with the 'Anonymous' person is getting out of hand and for now, we need to focus on this.

But it felt so relieving when he wrapped his strong arms around me. He made me feel safe.

I can't do this right now, battling myself in my head. I really should get these groceries. 

Just as I pick up a bag of apples, I turn to place them in the cart and there lies a note. I already know who it's from.  I bring it up to me and it reads:

Don't deny it. You still love him, no matter how many bottles he throws. Smooch away. 

I can feel my eyes widen as I whip my head around to see who could've possibly sent this. I see an elderly woman observe avocados, a man who looks to be in his thirties pushes a cart to a lane, and two kids running around a woman as she scolds them for playing in the store. The store is practically empty.

I look for the nearest trash can and throw the note away, stomping my way to the cart. I rush to the lane, despite the fact that I only managed to get a bag of apples, coffee, and milk. As soon as the lady hands me my receipt, I run out to the car and put the groceries in, getting in the car myself and locking the car. 

I sigh, and run my hand through my messy hair. I could not stand another second in that unsafe, godforsaken place. 

When will this stop? When will I be able to go somewhere and not get harassed by someone who is sick enough to send a picture of a corpse? There are so many emotions going through me right now.

I feel nauseous, ambivalent, confused, angry, tired, and like I'll break down in tears any second now. I need to go somewhere safe. I know exactly where and I start the car, making my way home.

I pull up behind Toby's new car and turn off the engine. I gather up some strength and I take the grocery bags into the unlocked house, already aware that Toby is here and didn't lock the door.

I lock the door behind me, for once, and I walk into the kitchen. "What are you doing here?" I ask him, not that I mind his presence.

He turns his attention away from channel surfing and says, "Just making sure nothing out of the ordinary happens." 

I nod. I begin to put the groceries away, fumbling with the bags because I feel his gaze on me. "You didn't lock the door." I tell him.

He raises his eyebrows. "You're one to talk." 

"Sorry if I've got much other important things to worry about than locking doors like wondering when this Anonymous person will attack again." I respond back, raising my voice.

"Well maybe you wouldn't have to wonder if you would actually lock the doors." His voice doesn't raise, it's still calm.

Even when we argue, I still feel safe near him. My brain thinks this doesn't make any sense but my heart completely understands. 

I release a shaky, flustered breath. "I'm sorry," I apologize. "I'm really stressed." I don't want to tell him about the note because then he'll ask what it said and I'm just so confused about the situation, I can't even admit it to myself whether I still love him or not.

I don't even know if I'm ready to admit it to myself because admitting it means I forgive him, and how do you forgive someone for making a mistake, drinking about it, and then throwing a bottle at you?

The crazy thing is that a big part of me believes it would be easy. The other small part believes that it's the smart thing to not forgive.

Well, maybe I'm over doing the smart thing.

"I understand, Spencer." Is all he says. I need to think about this.

I  finish putting away the small bit of grocery I had and walked upstairs. "Where are you going?" Toby suddenly asks, his eyes slightly wide.

"I'm going upstairs to take a shower. I need to think." I say, looking at him like he just grew a second head. What was that?

"Oh, sorry." He relaxes into the couch and I slowly walk upstairs, gathering my things for a shower.

I let the hot water relax my muscles and my mind wanders off to Toby. Maybe I can forgive him, but I can't go back to him. I'm not ready, emotionally, or mentally. Apparently I'm physically ready due to our kiss and the small embrace, and oh how did I love that small embrace. 

How are we going to figure out this anonymous person situation if we haven't even made one move to figuring it out? This is completely different from the Tanner situation where he just gave Toby clues to finding me. 

I feel myself getting tense, and the water getting cold. I quickly scrub my body and turn off the shower, wrapping a towel around myself. 

I get dressed, grab a blanket from the closet and walk to the bottom of the stairs. I see Toby in the living room falling asleep. I smile to myself and half whisper, half shouts his name. He jerks awake and looks to me, alarm.

I tilt my head at his action, him sighing as he sees me standing here. I hand him the blanket and he mumbles, "Thank you."

"Goodnight Toby." I tell him. He looks to me, surprised.

"Goodnight Spencer."

I give him a small smile, and say, "You can call me Spence." I see the small gleam of hope in his tired, blue eyes before I turn around and head to my bedroom, where I have a peaceful sleep.

[[A.N. I forgot to update yesterday so my apologies! Here is your update and it took me three hours to write this because I kept getting distracted by this surprise I have for you since you all got me to...... 100,000 READS! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU SO SO SO VERY MUCH! I swear you guys are the best fans in the world. Thank you for reading, voting, commenting, and sharing. I can't believe this fanfic is gonna be over soon.

I haven't planned out the next chapters or anything but I think this story will be over before July arrives. I know it might suck but every story has an end. One thing I do know for sure is the ending, the last final scene. I'm excited and nervous at the same time.

Also, thank you to everyone who was concerned and wished me to get well. I am okay now, and I even went back to that place yesterday! I had a small freak out but I got over it with precautions and had a great time. I even got an amazing tan. 

Anyways, thank you a billion times for 100K and if you're a reader who has never commented before, COMMENT NOW! I'll definitely respond since I'll be online for the next three hours and you may even get a dedication. KEEP CALM AND SHIP SPOBY, Spobians!! I love you with all of my heart. Xo]]