The Bad boys sidekick

34

its another night with Grey gone.

last night after grey went into the shower i fell asleep i couldn't help it but pass out because I've been up since the night before. plus, the my nurse knew i was up and knows that the doctor would probably fire her big time if he saw the bags under my eyes. so, anyways she gave me sleeping pills last night.

i woke up around 12 the pills really got to me i guess. anyways, of course Greyson was no where to be found. my nurse, who's name is Allison by the way, gave me the scoop and said he went out about 8 this morning. she said he was in a rush and sounded nervous when he said he had to run some earins.

Im not surprised nor concerned about his where about. i mean come on hes out every night and doesn't tell me anything about what hes doing or where hes going. i swear i almost died and had a miscarriage.

i know its sad and i cried myself to sleep for a week straight. the only one who knows is Allison. she comforted me and gave me what i needed and still does to this day and Im perfectly fine. the thing is for me, i never wanted kids. how i grew up with my dad abusing me and all of that craziness.

i guess you can say i was scared and still am about kids. i adore children i do but with me what if something goes wrong. what if they get hurt, what if i cant handle them, what if the day comes they do something and i yell and yell and then they leave and hate me. the last thing i want is for my kids to hate me. in all honesty if i had this baby, if i would've got the surgery i would be in Grey's room looking in the mirror at my stomach. maybe i would be smiling, maybe this baby would've made me happy.

See i think all these conclusions but their only what ifs. Im a pieces i was born to overthink things and thats all i do especially when things like that happens.

You know the bad things...

but thats all over now. theres no baby. theres no overthinking because i already done it the whole week i was locked up in my mind begging someone to shoot me.

knock. knock.

knock. knock.

"come in". i yell and get out of my worthless thoughts.

the door opens to my nurse with my lunch and a couple other things. shes always coming in my room with something new to get my mind off of things.

"heres your lunch Ms. Adams" i roll my eyes the words leave her mouth. see my name for the hospital is under Adams because then i wouldn't have insurance and Grey feels so inclined to have me have his last name. like damn he should just have it tattooed on my forehead because everywhere we go im 'Taylor Adams'. besides school of course. everyone knows im not an Adams but thats only because they dont know my real last name.

its honestly sad really.

but it is what it is i guess.

i look down at my tray and with a big smile its dominoes. "i love and adore you so much Allison" she waves her hand at me with a blush in a 'shut up' matter.

"i know. i know. im the best" we giggle and she gets ready to make her way out.

i start to dig in but instantly pause when Allison says "oh" i look up and she throws me my drink.

i catch it and ah. my new found favorite. see i cant have tea and defiantly not mountain dew so i had to find something good for me and its vitamin water. im not a fan of plan water so thats why its flavored.

i resume eating and thats really how i spend the rest of my day. that and watching TV or on my laptop catching up on school work. i already finished everything just a stupid essay that i cant figure out what to write.

i had the read this book 'catcher in the rye'. its about this kid name Holden that kicked out of another school and wonders around new York city. i like the way he thinks of things but the guy practically calls everyone phoney's and says something bad about them and then something good. hes suicidal through out the whole book but never kills himself or tries to. hes just really depressed with his life and doesn't know what to do with himself. i dont blame him In a way i guess. the only part that cracks me up is when he says hes the biggest sex addict you'll ever meet but yet hes a virgin.

but yeah i have to read what Holden does with his life after the book ends. and thats the part that kills me with this damn book. at the end he doesn't tell you where he is or what hes doing besides writing his story. im just gonna go with that he goes off and becomes a mute and has a mute wife and kids.

thats how i spend my afternoon and night until hours later theres a knock. i dont know who it could be because Allison is my only nurse and shes already home. its 10:05 at night. maybe its another nurse or a doctor to check up on me because they know Grey's never here.

"hey hey hey." they say and walk in.

surprise. surprise. its Jace.

he comes in with a vase of sunflowers and immediately a scowl forms on my face. Jace doesn't know anything about me. why would i ever tell him anything about me.

"visiting hours are over" i stare him down as he sets the vase down on the table and sits down next to me.

"i know i was checking up on you because last time i saw you, you just came out of surgery with millions of tubes in you." he says and scratches the back of his head. i know somethings going on. when Jace knows something that he cant tell anyone he gets really nervous like he just killed someone.

"Jace?" i say as i eye him down.

he coughs out "yeah?"

"hand me the flowers would ya?" i ask sweetly. he nods and gets up. he gets the vase and brings the over to me in my hand. i grab a hold of them, i close my eyes to see if Grey's really cheap or not and the smell that i know so very very well reaches my nostrils.

i set them down all nice nice and look over to Jace who sweating bullets. and know hes shaking his leg frantically as i stare at him every passing moment.

i clear my throat. "where is he Jace?"

he stops his actions and trys to play it cool. "wheres who?" he trys to hide it with a laugh.

"thats what i thought."