Mí Amour

84: Bipolar

Amour

It's been a week. Most of my memory came back. We didn't go to the doctor. But I'm still not feeling right. My stomach doesn't agree with most things so I'm still vomiting.

What I did remember was that I was in the gas station, arguing with Chresanto. Maybe I can try today. To remember.

"Hey Amour. How ya feelin'?" Lélé asked.

"Better by the day... I won't die." I smiled.

"Good."

"So how's school? Do you need help studying?" I asked.

"Not now... Lil bit later." She smiled.

"Have you talked to Adrian?"

"Yep! We kissed."

"Cute."

"Have you talked to Lucas?"

"No." I looked down kinda sad.

"Do you want to?"

"I miss him. I haven't seen him."

"I know. He's a little hurt too. We talked. He said he loves you and he's sorry."

"He couldn't tell me that?"

"Amour... Give him a break ok? He's confused. He wasn't ready for a relationship." She said.

I nodded. "Tell not to worry."

"I'll do that." She got off the bed and walked out.

Lucas really wasn't ready to deal with me. He can't handle a relationship like normal because I was his first girlfriend. I guess that's what I'm here for? To show him what love love is? Or... To entertain him? So he can use me. I am naive with some shit. And I gotta stop. Stop pushing myself so hard. Stop thinking so much. Stop trying for a while. Breathe for a while.

I watched as Lucas walked in silent. He stared at me. But I looked down. I couldn't bare to look at him. Not after what I tried to do.

I wanted to make him jealous. Again. And I fucked up. Again.

"So you know what I said huh?"

I nodded. Tears in my eyes.

"Look at me. When I'm talking to you."

I lifted my head but stared at the door behind him.

I felt his eyes all over me. It felt awkward and strange. As if those eyes were unfamiliar. I knew he was looking at me differently now.

"Amour if you can't do something simple as that, what makes you think you can call me in here?"

"I didn't." I said with no emotion.

He got closer and grabbed my hand. He kissed it. Then put the 2 rings back on my fingers.

"They don't belong." I said still not making eye contact. "I don't belong."

"You don't know where you belong. You're lost."

"You're right." I sighed.

"Don't take them off. Ever." He squeezed my hand.

"Let go."

"Never."

"Yes. Now. Don't touch me."

"I love you."

"I can't do this right now Lucas... It's too much pressure. You're not ready."

"You're not ready to find out what happened to you. You're scared aren't you?"

"Looking forward to it actually."

"What if you were drugged?"

"I was. Chresanto did whatever the cause is. I accept that."

"I bet you let him touch you. Didn't you? Shame."

"Who are you calling a shame?!" I raised my voice, making eye contact with him for the first time. My mouth became dry and my voice became raspy. I felt my eyes burning, tears threatening to fall. I took a deep breath and looked back down.

"I know what happened to you. Birth control... Memory loss... Vomiting? It all adds up to 1 thing. That doctor ain't smart. At all. I'm gonna let you find out yourself but I'll have no problem helping you get revenge." He said.

"You bastard! Tell me! You're the shame! Look at you! Hitting women and shit!"

"Don't call me bastard!" He yelled. "My father loved me!" He said with tears in his eyes.

"What... Happened Lucas?"

"I love you." He grabbed my face and kissed me passionately. All the burning hate building up inside me disappeared and I felt calm.

Peacefully 1 with him.

He pulled away and walked towards the door.

"Lucas." I said weakly.

He turned.

"Stay." I said patting the spot next to me on the bed.

He said nothing. I knew he was contemplating.

"Stop thinking. Stop everything. Just come on. Stop time so you can tell me how much you love me."

He walked over and took off his shoes. Then he got in the bed and laid by me.

"I love you. But this break up shit wasn't right. We're supposed to compromise. That was some petty bullshit that shouldn't've taken place. I'm sticking with you. We won't leave each other even if I wanna murder you. Which I swear I don't. But you know what I'm saying."

"Ok." Was all I said. I cuddled close to him and he kissed me all over until we both fell
asleep. How bipolar.