i just had a full blown panic attack for the first time ( i thought i'd already experienced full blown but this was so bad oh my god ) and i'm still trying to calm down i'm still crying and my ears are so hot for no reason and i'm really scared and i'm trying not to make any typos so let's see how this goes.
long story short, my mom was yelling at me - i've felt verbally attacked this whole week long in my own home and i was having such a bomb fucking day till she ruined it as if i did something to intentionally piss her off.
anyway, she finally gets the fuck out of my room and i start crying. at first i think i'm over reacting because it was just those gasping cries where barely any tears are falling out so i try to calm down. and then i realize i can't breathe and that's why i'm making these sobbing noises and gasping in air because i cant breathe i'm laying on my side and i cant breathe.
anyway in the midst of all this while i'm literally talking to myself about the shit that's stressin' me in my home life , i'm out here thinking "o shit am i havin a panic attack or am i being an asshole pretending to have anxiety?" so i attempt to calm down and breathe and prove that i was just kiddin' but it didn't work lmao
so i sit up and get out of bed still fuckin freaking out and i forget half of my episode but i'm pretty sure this is where my body starts like shaking. i looked up panic attack symptoms and it said tingling but it wasn't much of a tingle it was my body literally shaking idk idk how to explain it i was reluctant about sharing this chapter anyway. but anyways my hoe ass knows that my phone isn't on my keyboard where i'm frantically slapping my hand but on the chair and yet i still decide to slap the keyboard.
anyway then i get my phone thinking "ok i can just watch that cody herbinko video about being calm" and i searched it uP AND I COULDNT FIND IT I WAS SO UPSET. that calmed me down when i was at my worst real late in 2015 and i can't find it while i'm over here uNABLE TO BREATHE AND I ALSO CANT SEE ANYTHING CLEARLY BECAUSE IM CRYING
I WAS SO MAD then i looked up "river phoenix interview" because his voice in this one interview from 1988 really calms me down. so i start watching this trying so hard to focus and focus on river's face and his voice and that was so hard to do at once ?? so i close my eyes and listen to his voice but i kept getting upset and i couldn't hear him over myself so that shit was OUT.
so i exit out and then i go to corey haim- there's this video of him saying something really reassuring and i just play it whenever i get sad and gradually it cheers me up.
so i go to the photo album that i've saved all my 80s and 90s vines in which consists of videos of corey and river for the most part. so i'm looking for the thumbnail of this video and i scroll down SIX HUNDRED SOMETHING photos and videos TWICE and can't fucking find it. twice. then i start panicking like omg what if i deleted it and started saying some shit like "whenever i need somebody they're never there" like hooooomygoddd i was messedt up !!
so i'm sayin shit like "where's corey ? where is he, where is he?" and then i finally find the video, watch that shit over and over. but even as i was watching the video something my mom said just really struck me and it kept hurting me a lot and i was all upset about that. but really though i musta watched the loops about ten times and then i was back to breathing steady. so my legs are like shaking now and i go crawl back under the covers mind you i still look like a fuckin rat like this wasn't no weepy cutie cryin shit. NAH LMAO there is snot pouring out of my nose my eyes are red yada yada yada.
so yeah i lay down trying to contain myself still a lil upset but for the most part i was alrightie.
but yeah i snapchatted a friend who has been helpful to me over the phone before when i had a panic attack before school telling her this was full blown and she still hasn't opened it.
then after my whole attack i snapchatted yet ANOTHER friend telling her and ohhhh myyyy gooddd. she had the nerve. to say -
"well no if she has to act crazy you have to deal with it"
nigga what the fuck
i was really ready to fight so then i replied,
"no no no it's not okay with me. this shit has been going on for weeks."
then i thought she opened but didn't respond and then i got sooo upset and my chest was panging with painn. but then i went to go check again and i wish i hadn't because omfg.
she said "she's your mom she's literally the ruler of your world i feel like unless she's beating your ass you have to take it"
???
I STARED AT THE MESSAGE ON THE SCREEN FOR A LONG TIME AND LEFT HER ON READ FOR LIKE FIVE MINUTES. lmao let's jot down some arguments i wanted to spew at her.
1) you have probably never had a panic attack, so let's not even start talking about what should trigger me and what shouldn't
2) so the fuck what. i could have a mom that was making me deal drugs. so what the fuck. how are you gonna basically say that because it's my mom, i just gotta take it. yeah no i'll just text myself a reminder : "zuzu! do not go into a mentally uncontrollable panic attack that includes not being able to breath, because your mom's gonna upset you."
3) can we mention again that i was dead ass staring at the message because of how irritating it was ? she didn't say "you can't have a panic attack because it's your mom" , but she might have fuckin well. you know what ? just cuz it's family saying something to you, it don't mean you always have to grin and bear it.
i'm not saying to snap at ya mom if she's telling you to clean your room with a little more sass than usual, but it also doesn't mean i have to be okay. i don't have to fit to YOUR standards and what you "feel" because i felt like i was literally going out but okay lol you wild , wyd though? that's like me saying "i feel like if your mom doesn't like that you're gay you should just take it"
4) for a second, i felt guilty for hAVING A PANIC ATTACK. WHICH COMES WITH ANXIETY. SOMETHING I CANNOT CONTROL. I TRIED TO CALM DOWN. I TOOK DEEP BREATHS, wENT TO MY HAPPY PLACE. I WATCHED RIVER JUDE PHOENIX TALK. HOW COULD I NOT BE HAPPY BY THE END. I FUCKIN TRIED. the fact that you are literally underestimating the seriousness of having a panic attack is disgusting idgaf if it was my mom or my fuckin pet rock who caused it. don't ever tell me i have to "take it" when i'm over here feeling like shit for like 15 minutes.
i just responded : "i can't really control having anxiety whether it's my mom or not."
*patiently waits for her to respond*
anyway those were very dreadful moments of my life every second of that was total shit like i was seriously thinking i was dying or that i was going to kill myself under pressure the next day like shit what the fuck. and then you gon tell me to "take it."
siccc and tired of this shit
#zuzaf
