My Heart is Broke-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 74

It's been a week since we went to Krist's and Shelli's, yet I still can't get that conversation Krist and I had out of my head. I've been thinking about it nonstop and it's really been affecting me lately. 

Even Kurt has noticed it. I haven't been as affectionate with him as I normally am. Everytime he goes to kiss me, I allow him, but the second that it becomes more than that, I have to stop it. At this point, I've just avoided kissing him as a whole so I don't have to keep telling him no. 

He's asked me about it a couple of times. He's asked me what's been going on, but I lie to him and tell him that it's nothing. I don't want him to know that I'm having second thoughts about our engagement. 

Krist brought up a good point that Kurt and I are both fucked up. I'm fucked up because of everything that I've gone through and Kurt is fucked up mainy because of his drug use. We both have issues that we haven't solved yet. Isn't that only going to affect us negatively? I don't want to get married to Kurt just to get a divorce. 

It's been really negatively affecting me. The thought of Kurt and I breaking up tears me to pieces. He's the only man that's ever made me truly happy in a romantic way. He makes me feel better about myself and he knows exactly how to lift me up. He's everything that I've ever wanted in a man-besides the drug usage. 

I'm not even sure if I'm going to break up with Kurt. The fact that the thought is only entertaining my brain and I'm already feeling like shit.

"Okay, what movie should we watch?" Kurt snuggles into bed with me. He starts getting closer to me, so I attempt to discreetly scoot away from him to start to get used to not being able to be around him if we do break up, but this only makes him angry. He sighs and sits up. "Kaitlyn, what the fuck is going on?"

I get startled by his sudden outburst. "N-Nothing, Kurt. I-"

"Don't fucking lie to me," He points his finger in my face. "You have done nothing but push me away for the past fucking week. Week, K! You'll give me a hug, but that's it. I can't even kiss you. I can't hold your hand. I can't hold you. And I've been wondering if it's me or if I did something or anything, but I can't think of anything." He's holding back his tears at this point. 

I turn my face away, not wanting to look at him. I know that what I'm doing to him is fucked up, but I can't tell him why. That would only hurt him more.

Kurt is a very insecure and sensitive person. If I tell him what I'm thinking, it's only going to make him feel worse about himself. The divorce with Courtney already did its damage, but this would only make it worse. 

I don't want to tell Kurt what I'm thinking until I'm 100% sure I'm going to stay with him or 100% sure I'm breaking up with him or even 100% sure if I'm just going to break off the engagement, but I'll still date him. Maybe all we need is a little more time. 

"I'm sorry, Kurt," I finally look back at him and see that he's on the verge of tears. "It's not you, okay? It's just that I-ugh-I don't know what's going on, okay?"

"Bullshit," Kurt snaps back automatically. "You know exactly what's going on but you just don't want to tell me."

How am I supposed to tell him? I don't know how to bring this up to him without him thinking that I'm going to break up with him. I'm not going to break up with him-at least I don't want to right now-and I wish that there was a way I could tell him this and he'd understand it. 

I wish he could just read my mind and know exactly what I'm thinking and why. I want him to know that it's not just him, but it's mainly me. Maybe we're just not that good for each other. 

"Kurt," I sigh, struggling to say the right words. I don't want him to be mad at me. 

He stands up off of the bed. "Kaitlyn, I don't know what to fucking do!"