My Heart is Broke-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 95

Waking up knowing that Liza made moves on Kurt multiple times makes me feel like shit. It makes me feel useless and worthless. I don't feel good enough for Kurt. 

He could do so much better than me. He could find someone that wouldn't hurt themselves to the point where they almost accidentally killed themselves. 

I still feel bad about what I did to him and the pain I put him through. He didn't do anything to even remotely deserve that. He'll never truly know how sorry I am. 

I turn to my side and stare at Kurt who's peacefully sleeping. His head is tucked under his head and he's turned to me. He's sleeping with a long-sleeved pajama shirt and pants. He's so simple, yet has so many layers to him. 

It takes a lot for Kurt to allow someone into his life. He has trouble trusting people and he doesn't get along with people who are assholes--which are a lot of people in his life, especially famous people.

As if he was listening to my mind, his eyes flutter open and he stares deep into mine, then shuts them and lays back down on his stomach, clutching and holding onto his pillow while groaning. 

"Why'd you wake me up?" He asks in his gruff, morning voice. 

I shake my head. "I didn't, Kurt."

He lifts himself up and looks up at me, propping himself up with one hand and just stares. He opens his mouth as if he wants to say something, which I desperately want him too, but he just shuts his mouth again. 

Kurt and I didn't talk anymore about the situation with what happened with him and Liza simply because there was nothing else to say. What happened happened and there was nothing we could do to change that. 

But here I am and I want to talk about it. I want to know his feelings about it. I want to know if he liked it or not. I know that he's going to tell me he didn't, but I'll be able to tell by his facial expressions if he's lying or not. 

He furrows his eyebrows. "What's wrong?"

I give him a look, signaling that he doesn't need to ask what's wrong to know what's going on. He sighs and readjusts himself, sitting up and draping the blanket across his body. 

"I just don't like what happened yesterday and I feel like it just got excused," I admit, feeling like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. "Because we didn't talk about it."

"Well what about it do you want to talk about?" He asks.

I shrug, not even knowing the answer myself. So I begin to lay out my emotions. "I just don't like what happened and how calm you were about it...as if it was a normal thing, because that's not a normal thing, Kurt. It's not normal for someone to come onto you, especially when they know you're in a relationship. I mean, she lived with us, for fuck's sake!"

He sighs. "I know. It's a weird situation that I didn't expect for us to be in."

He seems uninterested, as if he doesn't really want to talk about this right now. I'm sure he doesn't because it's making him uncomfortable, but that doesn't mean that we can just set it aside. 

"Kurt," I slowly speak. "If I didn't walk in on you and Liza, would you have even told me about what happened?"

He readjusts himself, sitting up straighter than before. He begins to mess around with his fingers, intertwining them with one another. "If I'm going to be honest, yes I would've. Just not right away."

I scoff. "And why not, Kurt?"

"Because I wouldn't want to damage your relationship with Liza. She's the only friend you have; I wouldn't want to ruin that for you."