My Heart is Broke-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 34

I don't know why I should be this nervous to meet up with her and talk to her about what happened. It's been a week since Marija came to my house and I've thought hard about my decision. 

She brought me my journals and gave them to me before she left, so I was able to read through them and be reminded of everything that I went through. 

I feel like I should be mad at her, but at the same time, she had no idea that I was going through any of that, or that I would be going through any of that. If I had a daughter and found out that she was going through all that she did through her journals due to a decision that I made, I would be devastated. 

So, I decided to give my mother the benefit of the doubt and let her explain herself. 

She walks over to the table and smiles as soon as she sees me. I wish that I could smile and let her know that I'm not too angry at her, but I can't. Nothing about this is good. 

A daughter meeting up with her mother should be a good and normal thing, but this interaction is nothing but the opposite. 

"Are you going to eat anything?" She asks me. 

"I don't think you eat things at a coffee shop," I lightly add. "But, no. I just got a water. I'm not hungry."

She nods her head softly, then clears her throat. "I can't tell you how sorry I am and how terrible I feel, Kaitlyn. You'll never know how I feel and I can never repay you. But I want you to understand that I'm here now and I want to be a part of your life-"

"You didn't want anything to do with me," I lean forward in my seat towards her. "You wanted me to go off to a different fucking state. I grew up without a mother, Marija. I grew up with an abusive father and a mother who was non existent. So don't go saying that you did this because you wanted me to have a relationship with my father. Just admit to me that you didn't want me."

She stares at me, shocked by my sentence. I came to the conclusion that she didn't want me after going through my journals and realizing that she didn't just give me up to go and live with my father; she gave me up forever and she was fine with that. 

She softly cries and rubs her eyes. "It's not like that at all, Kaitlyn. I don't want you to think that because that's not at all how it was."

"Well that's how it fucking felt," I sit back and fold my arms over my chest. I know that she wants me to let her in and I want her to, too, but this is really hard for me to do right now. 

"Can I see?"

"See what?" I spit. 

"Your scars."

I sigh and roll up my sleeves, then rest them on top of the table in front of us. My arms are covered in scars that are from me cutting myself and others from my father burning, cutting, and biting me. Some are more noticeable than others. 

She puts her hand the scar that's closest to my body, then travels her finger down my arm, towards her. Her finger lifts upwards sometimes, due to how big the scars are. 

She covers her mouth and starts crying hard, burying her face with her hands. 

I begin to tear up softly, feeling terrible about the way I'm making her feel.  I'm more than likely making her feel worse about the situation by showing her the scars and making her feel like shit for what she did to me. She didn't know that my father was going to be doing that to me, though. 

"I'm so sorry," She says as she wipes her tears away. "I can't believe that he fucking did that to you!"

"Can I have a hug?" I make eye contact with her, letting her know that I want to feel her touch. I want to know what it feels like to be comforted by a mother and feeling better.