My Heart is Broke-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 102

Trying to go to sleep after hearing that sentence is impossible. Krist telling me that Kurt tried to kill himself made me feel terrible about everything. I don't know properly how to feel. 

As my head rests on Krist's shoulder, the way it has been for the past couple of hours as I've tried to go to sleep, I think about Kurt trying to kill himself. I think about how he would've died and the last time we would've talked to each other was the argument about me staying with him on tour. 

My mind can only but transport to the thoughts consuming my brain. What if I had been there? What if I did what he wanted me to do and I joined him on tour? 

We wouldn't be in this situation that we're in right now. Krist, Dave, and Shelli wouldn't be asleep on waiting room chairs in a hospital and I wouldn't be falling asleep on my brother's shoulder, waiting for any news that the love of my life is still alive.

How could he possibly ever think that that was a good idea to do? To try to kill himself? What good would it have done?

More importantly, why did he try to do it? Why did he want to die? What could've happened to make him feel that way?

The more I think about it, the more depressed I feel. Yet there's nothing else for me to be thinking about. It's purely impossible.

Suddenly, Krist jerks awake, knocking me off of his shoulder. I yawn and act as if I've been sleeping the whole time, which couldn't be further from the truth.

Krist looks puzzled and scans the hospital room with his eyebrows furrowed. Then they land on mine and I can see it clearly in his expression that he remembers why he's here in the first place.

"You doing okay?" He asks me. 

Before I can answer, a doctor approaches us. "Who are you guys here for?"

"Kurt Cobain," Krist answers very quietly.

The doctor nods slowly, then looks over at everyone surrounding us. "He's awake. If you would like to go and see him, you are more than welcome to."

It's as if everything he said was spoken to me in slow motion in a tunnel with his words echoing around me. It didn't seem real. It felt like this moment would never come. 

Krist looks over at me, then leans over and notices Dave, but his gaze returns back to me. "Do you want to go see him?"

Despite how much I've been wanting to see him for, all I can picture is him laying down in his hospital bed, looking sickly and miserable and I feel obligated to hug him and act like I'm okay with what he did because I'm just grateful he's alive.

But of course I want to see him. Of course I want to take him into my arms and never let go because I found out that he tried to kill himself and I want to let him know that everything will be okay and that I'm here for him.

That matters more than why he did it. In this moment, all that matters is that he's okay and alive and I get to see him again.

"Yeah," I finally respond. 

"Follow me," The doctor instructs. Krist and I rise, letting Dave and Shelli continue to sleep. 

We follow him down the hallway leading to Kurt's room. My anxiety increases tremendously as we grow closer and closer to Kurt's room. My hand violently shakes and my breathing becomes irregular. 

The doctor pauses before a door that's slightly open and leads into a dark room. A shiver is sent down my spine as I realize that this is where Kurt's room is at. 

This is where Kurt is at.

My eyes are furiously attempting to look everywhere but inside of the door. Every inch of me is terrified to see Kurt. I don't know what he looks like, how he's going to ask, if he's changed, how he's going to respond to me being here.