My Heart is Broke-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 25

After playing two concerts two days in a row, Krist, Dave, and Kurt finally got a break and we were taking today to rest. They had two more concerts tomorrow and the day after, though. After that, we were going to be leaving. 

I am disappointed that we're going to be leaving. I've never left the country before, so this has been really nice to be somewhere new. 

Dave thought that I wasn't going to be able to go-he assumed that I didn't have a passport. My father got me a passport when I was thirteen in case he just wanted to leave to go out of the country with me. He talked about it to me a lot. He always told me how one day he was going to take me to Germany. 

We never did, thankfully. 

"You're literally the one that got arrested!" Krist raises his voice at Kurt. They've been going back and forth, insulting each other for the past half hour.

"You got arrested?" I raise my eyebrows. 

"It was stupid," He shrugs it off as if everyone gets arrested. 

"No, no, what did you get arrested for?"

He starts to chuckle. "I spray-painted 'God is Gay' on a wall."

Krist and Kurt start to laugh, but I sit still with a straight face. I don't find that funny. I find that a little rude because there's people out there that heavily believe in God. That would probably be really insulting to them. 

"What's the worst thing you've ever done?" Kurt asks me. 

As soon as he asks that, I know what the worst thing I've done is and it is terrible. 

I shake my head violently, not ready to tell him that yet. If I tell him, he'll for sure break up with me and I can't handle that yet. He would probably get mad at me, too. "That's a conversation for a different time."

Dave walks out of his bedroom with his hair soaking wet. He must've just taken a shower. He takes a seat across from us and listens to Kurt trying to persuade me to tell him. 

"Why don't you want to?" Kurt asks. 

"Because it's really bad and you're going to break up with me if I tell you," I bury my face with my hands, but spread apart the fingers that are over my eyes to still see Kurt. 

Kurt looks offended by what I just said. "You really think that I'm breaking up with you?"

"If you hear this, you're going to break up with me, Kurt."

He pulls my hands off of my face and holds them. "I would never break up with you."

"You can't say that because I can do something that-"

He cuts me off. "Why would I break up with you if I heard this?"

"Because it's...violent." 

"Tell me," He leans back. "If I break up with you after hearing this, you can punch me, alright? You can beat me up all you want."

I roll my eyes, really believing him. The way that he looked into my eyes and told me that he would never break up with me really did something to me. It's indescribable. "When I was sixteen, I was fed up with the way my father was treating me. I came up with a plan, so one night, I grabbed one of the guns he had-I knew where he kept it, but he didn't know that I knew-and as he was watching TV, I came up behind him and I was going to shoot him in the back of the head. I really wanted to. But, I realized what I was doing in that moment. I was really going to kill someone. I ran to the bedroom and put the gun back, and I started crying and I hugged him and apologized to him. He was so confused and ended up getting mad at me for interrupting his show. He hurt me after that, but I was grateful for it, I guess."