My Heart is Broke-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 5

Ethan and I are sitting on our own couch while Krist, Shelli, Kurt, and Dave are all sitting on the other couch. Ethan and I told them that we were going to explain everything, but I felt like I wasn't ready. 

"I'm right here," Ethan reminds me, noticing my leg bouncing harshly. 

I put my hand down on it, preventing it from bouncing. "I'm sorry for the misunderstanding about last night, okay? I didn't mean for that to happen."

"It's not your fault," Kurt reminds me. He has a black eye, so he's putting an ice pack on it. Ethan hit him really hard. 

I sigh and look at Ethan. "I don't know if I can do this."

"What's the worst that can happen?" He asks me. 

"They could call the police."

"Isn't that a good thing?"

"No, I don't want anything bad happening to him."

"Then I'll make sure they don't tell the police."

I look at them again. I take a deep breath in, then out, trying to prepare myself. "When I was young-eight-my mother decided to have me live with my father in New York City. I used to live with Krist and all of our siblings, but I have a different father than them. So, my mother decided that I should go stay with him. Things were good for the first couple of years. But, when I was twelve, things started to go bad.

I close my eyes, trying to focus and not cry, but it's really hard not to. "Um, one day when I was twelve, I came back home from school and I did what I normally do: I took a shower, then I did my chores and homework. But, while I was in the shower, my dad must've gotten mad at me or something, because he was yelling for me to get out. Now, he never yelled, so I knew that something was wrong. I turned off the water and asked him what he needed, but he just told me to get out. I wrapped a towel around myself and walked outside. And that was when he hit me across my face. He grabbed me by my hair and pulled me into the kitchen, showing me the dishes I cleaned. One of them wasn't clean all the way, so that made him angry, and I know that I should've cleaned it better. I mean, that was my fault-"

"It's not your fault," Ethan interrupts me. "It is not your fault."

I nod my head, understanding what he's saying. Everytime I say that something's my fault-that's not, according to him-he makes sure to remind me over and over again that it's not my fault. 

"So, that was the first time," I continue. "He didn't do it every again for about a year. Then, when I was fourteen, it was my birthday and my dad never celebrate my birthday, alright? I didn't remember what day my birthday was when I moved in with him, so I just never celebrated it. Well, my teacher told me that it was my birthday and I came home that day and I told him that it was my birthday. For some reason, that made him angry. He yelled at me to shut the fuck up and then he grabbed me and lifted me up into the air and walked me into his bedroom. He threw me down onto the bed and I was scared that he was going to, like, rape me or something, but he didn't." I had to take a second to calm down because I was crying really hard. "He never sexually abused me, okay? He would never do that, he's my dad. 

"After that day, whenever I did something to make him angry, he would hit me. He used to bite me, too. Um, and as I got older, I got breasts, you know? So, sometimes they would be a little revealed in my shirts and he did not like that. When I was sixteen, he grabbed a lighter and brought it down onto my chest to show me that it wasn't allowed. God, it hurt so bad. I never showed my breasts like that ever again. It was a V-neck shirt, it wasn't even revealing that much. But, I know that I'm supposed to be modest. I just learned my lesson the hard way.

"I never told anyone because he was all that I had. But, I also thought that it was normal. No one else talked about their parents hurting them at school, but I didn't know that parents weren't supposed to do that. I thought that if I misbehaved or did something wrong, that he had every right to punish me in whatever way he needed. I know that he hurt me a lot, but I mean, he still took care of me and fed me and gave me a place to live. I didn't even have to pay him. I mean, that just shows that he still loves me, you know?" I can't believe that I'm saying all of this. It honestly feels like a relief, after all these years only one person knowing about this.