My Heart is Broke-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 87

Stepping out of the limousine, it feels awkward, especially since it's just Shelli, Jennifer, and I. Krist, Dave, and Kurt are already at the venue. They had to get there earlier since they had to rehearse. 

I was half-asleep when they left, but I awoke because Kurt was being loud, rustling through the drawers in the cupboard. He was looking for his guitar picks in case he dropped one during the show, but he couldn't find it. He apologized for waking me up and then walked out of the bedroom without saying another word. 

I know that this concert is going to be a lot for him. It's very stressful performing in front of this many people, but in an acoustic setting. It's going to be much more intimate compared to their other venues that they've had. 

I brought nicer clothes just for this occasion--a black long-sleeve shirt and jeans--but Kurt told me I really didn't need to. 

I follow Shelli inside after we thank the limo driver. She opens the door up for me and I step inside, taking in everything. 

There's people everywhere setting up, putting up decorations, prepping the seats. Some are onstage and setting up all the instruments. 

"The soundcheck rehearsal done," I overhear someone say. "The show's starting in thirty minutes."

Shelli grips mine and Jennifer's hand and rushes us backstage. 

It amazes me how she always knows where to go. Krist must've already talked to her this morning about where to go and what to do. 

Jennifer catches up to Shelli and stands by her side. "I'm so excited. They're going to do so good."

"I know," Shelli says, going through the backstage doors. No one questions who she is--they know who we all are. 

Krist, Dave, and Pat come into view and they all exclaim as soon as they see us. I grow worried fairly quickly, wondering where Kurt is. 

Although he's going through heroin withdrawal right now, I'm always worried that he's going to have a relapse and go back to his old ways. What sucks is that I have no way of helping him. 

What startles me the most is that he's nowhere to be found right now and no one seems to notice. He could be doing drugs right now and no one would know. 

"Hey, nice to see you, too," Krist approaches me and gives me a hug. "Don't worry, he's doing alright. He's taking Valium right now."

"Valium?" I ask. "Why does he need Valium?"

He sighs and looks around us as if he doesn't want anyone overhearing our conversation. He then places his hand on my lower back and gently moves me over to the other side of the room, away from everyone else. 

In a hushed tone, he explains what the Valium is used for. "Kurt's getting off of heroin, but he hasn't been feeling the best lately--that's why he's been a dick. So, the MTV producers were saying that they know something's wrong with his withdrawal and don't want him looking bad for the recording, so they're giving him Valium to help."

I roll my eyes. They're not giving it to him to help him, they're giving it to him so that he doesn't look bad for the recording. "I mean, is it helping?"

He shrugs. "I don't know. He just left to go take it; I haven't seen him since."

An uneasy feeling settles over me. I just want to see Kurt and make sure that he's doing alright and feeling okay. This means a lot to him and he's feeling overwhelmed, which would only give him more of a reason to shoot up right now. 

"There he is!" Someone announces and we all jerk our heads towards the man. Kurt emerges from the doorway wearing a cardigan with a white shirt underneath it and a flannel collar sticking out beneath it.