My Heart is Broke-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 58

Waking up after something terrible has happened is always the hardest part. So much has happened in the past 48 hours and I still haven't been able to fully wrap my head around it. I don't think I'm ever going to be able to wrap my head around this. 

Not only do I feel like shit because of something that happened to me, I feel like shit because of something that I did. I cheated on Cash. After all that he's done for me, I cheated on him. He has not done anything to deserve that, yet I did that to him. Now, we're going to have to break up. 

I always knew that we were going to break up. As much as I wanted to convince myself that we could make it work, I knew that it wouldn't. When Kurt came back into my life, I knew that I couldn't have a future with anyone else but him. Even if we never got that future, I still wouldn't try with someone else. That wouldn't be fair to them. 

Kurt and I watched a movie last night, but we didn't even speak a word. We just layed down with each other and hugged. Despite me wanting to talk to him about what happened between us, he begged me not to. He didn't want me to ruin the moment. 

I decided last night that I had no will to live anymore. Not with everything that happened. Knowing that Cash and I are going to break up and that I no longer have a relationship with my father like I had intended broke me. And I don't know if I'm going to be able to handle it. 

"Hey," Kurt walks into the room and goes into the bathroom with me. "You done getting ready?"

I look at myself in the mirror, disgusted with what I see. There's a little bit of red on my left cheek from the mark that my father gave me, but nothing too visible. I am also disgusted with myself and everything that I've done. 

If I wanted to, I could've blamed me kissing Kurt on what happened with my father and how I wasn't thinking rationally. But that would just be lying. 

I nod my head and grab my bag of toiletries and bring them into the front room, stuffing them into my suitcase. 

"You haven't spoken a word to me all morning," Kurt tells me, standing in front of me. "Why?"

"I'm just waking up," I lie and avoid eye contact with him. 

"You're lying," He says, clearly hurt by what's going on. 

"I don't know, Kurt," I finally say, having enough of everything. I look up at him and sigh. "I don't know what the fuck is going on with me. I just want to go back home."

He looks hurt by this. "I'll put everything in the car downstairs."

"No, I'll go with you. I just want to get out of here."

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I still haven't thought about when I'm going to see Cash. Kurt is taking me to Krist and Shelli's house to stay there for a little while. Even though my father more than likely knows that they live there, it's safer than staying at my apartment. I don't want Cash to be there. I can't see him knowing that I kissed Kurt. 

I deserve it, though. I deserve to feel all of those ugly emotions that I don't want to feel. I fucked up our relationship for something that didn't even last five minutes. The kiss was over in a matter of two minutes. 

Now, I don't even know where I stand with Kurt. After all that he's done for me, I can't just move on without him. He was there for me when this happened. But he has a wife and daughter and I know that he's going to go back to them. He can't just leave them for a girl that he most likely doesn't even have feelings for.