My Heart is Broke-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 13

I look at myself in the bathroom mirror and think about all of my life decisions that I have made recently. I feel awful. I brush my hair and teeth and wash my face.

I wasn't supposed to be waking up in Krist's and Shelli's house. I'm supposed to be in New York City with my father and getting yelled at by him and God knows what else he would've been doing. 

On the other hand, Kurt fucking kissed me and I feel terrible about it. Maybe if I knew why, I wouldn't feel as bad, but I can't help but wonder if he did that because he wanted to, or if he thought it would make me stay because I would be too flabbergasted to leave after that. Either way, I stayed. 

Would that count as cheating? I didn't kiss him back, but we still kissed. 

God, I still had to tell Ethan. 

I wonder how he's going to react. Is he going to get mad at me? Is he going to make us leave? I won't tell him until I see him in-person. I don't want that to affect his job and potentially get him fired or anything like that. 

I don't want to put Ethan through any of that, period. If things would go my way, I would still be on a flight to New York City and I would never have to tell Ethan about the kiss. 

I don't deserve him. If I just left him alone and never got with him, he wouldn't have to endure half of the shit that he's gone through. He wouldn't have never gotten hurt by my father or me and he wouldn't have to live with the fact that his girlfriend got kissed by another man. 

It doesn't even help that Ethan was already worried before he left that something was going to happen between Kurt and I. I have never thought about Kurt in that manner, but Ethan was worried that I was going to. 

I didn't hate the kiss and that's what worries me the most. I don't want to think about Kurt in a romantic manner, but I feel like I'm going to be forced to view him in that way after what happened last night. Maybe if I just avoid him overall, then I won't have to. 

But how am I going to avoid him if he's in my brother's band?

I step out of the bathroom and see Kurt talking to Krist and Shelli. They all turn to stare at me and I see tears streaming down Shelli's cheeks. 

"Are you okay?" I ask Shelli. 

Krist holds up the letter that I was supposed to mail to Ethan. "What the fuck is this?"

My eyes widen. "Did you read that?"

"No, of course not. But it was on top of the suitcase. Kaitlyn, why do you have a suitcase?"

"Kurt told us everything," Shelli jumps straight to the point. 

"Shelli!" Krist snaps and runs his fingers through his hair. 

I stare at Kurt with my mouth open. "How the fuck could you do that?!"

Krist walks over to me and hugs me while crying. "God, Kaitlyn, I'm sorry."

I hug him back. "It's alright. You didn't do anything wrong."

He lets go of me and wipes his tears away. "Are you okay?"

"I'm very, very angry," I glare at Kurt and flip him off, but go back to looking and Krist. I don't want to have any sort of interaction with Kurt for longer than I have to.

"Why didn't you tell me?" Krist stares directly into my eyes and I feel terrible. 

"Because I knew that you guys wouldn't let me go," I look back and forth between Krist and Shelli. "It's not you guys, alright? I promise it's not. It's just that if my father can find your guys' phone number, he sure as hell can find out where you guys live and I didn't want to put you guys through that. He's expecting me to give him the address soon, but I'm not going to. It would just be easier if I left altogether."