My Heart is Broke-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 96

It was as if yesterday never happened, as if we never vowed to love each other forever. Those were just words said in the heat of the moment right before we had sex. 

This always happens. We always have a really good day, and then the next day comes and fucks it all up. 

Now, the good day is over and we're back to who we used to be. 

"You act like I can fucking control this, Kaitlyn," Kurt raises his voice at me slightly. "I mean, come on. You think I want to do this? You think I want to leave you to go on tour? I fucking begged them not to make me go."

"You're Kurt Cobain," I remind him. "You have the power to tell anyone 'no'. You're just not willing to keep pushing and pushing it."

"Well you have to work anyway, Kaitlyn," He says. "I mean, that's why we're here, right?"

He points towards the school. We're parked right in front of the front office. I should be going inside right now so I don't run late, but of course Kurt and I had to argue. 

It started when we pulled up and he just blurted out that he was going to be going on tour for majority of the rest of the year. He was hoping that I would just leave and get out of the car, but I couldn't believe what I heard. 

Being without Kurt is one of the hardest things I do. I used to have Liza, but now I have no one. I have no friends except for Shelli, but that's only because of my brother. 

I'm a pathetic woman with no life and no friends. The only person in my life that matters to me is Kurt and he's the one person I seem to hurt the most. 

Tears begin to fall, but I wipe them away before they get noticeable. 

"When are you leaving?" My voice quivers. 

"Next week."

"God," I lean against the window and bite my knuckles, forcing back the feelings that are all rushing through me. I close my eyes and try to imagine last night and how amazing things were, but it only makes it worse, realizing that we're not going to be able to have that for a long time. 

"You can come with us, Kaitlyn," He reminds me for the millionth time. "I keep telling you this--"

"I don't want to go with you on your goddamn tour," I remind him for the millionth time. "I don't like that lifestyle. I don't want to do that, Kurt. We won't even be able to see each other."

"Then I don't know what to tell you," He gives me a hopeless look. 

He and I exchange looks between each other, unable to look away. We both want to say so many things, but neither would be the right time to say. 

So many thoughts are swarming in my mind. I just want to stay by Kurt's side and not have him leave, but I know that that's his job. 

The only thing that is leading me to believe that he would even for a second stop Nirvana is because he talks about how he's going to leave. Of course, that's like when teenagers say that they're going to move out, but something leads me to believe he's being serious. 

I don't think he'd ever do it, though. His whole life is Nirvana. He made Nirvana. It's how he and Krist were able to become closer with one another. It's how he met Dave and Pat. It's how Frances was made.

So many good things have come from that band, but it's ultimately ruining him. He's not as happy as he used to be. He can't go anywhere without people bombarding him with questions and harrassing him.

I wish I could take all that pain away from him. He deserves the world after everything that he's done, but he doesn't see that. 

"I'm only upset because I'm going to miss you," I say and then get out of the car, slamming it shut and silently crying as I walk up the steps to the school.