My Heart is Broke-Kurt Cobain

Chapter 38

Yesterday, Kurt was a hot mess. He had a hangover, so he was throwing up and just miserable (more miserable than he already is). I stayed with him all day and helped take care of him. 

Whenever he would throw up, I would pull his hair out of his face and rub his back, letting him know that I was there. He slept most of the day, so I just stayed with him in case something happened. 

My mind couldn't stop thinking about the box that I found in the living room. I didn't bring it up to Kurt because he wasn't feeling well, so I decided that today I am going to ask him about it. 

I don't even know what to say to make it seem like I wasn't snooping through his things. Whenever I asked my father about anything that I found of his, he always assumed that I was snooping through his things. I've learned since then not to bring these things up to people. 

Kurt's door creaks open softly, the hinges squeaking as it opens up further and further. He rubs his eyes and smiles at me as soon as he sees me. He glides over to me and pulls me into a hug, kissing me. "Good morning."

"Good morning," I say and back up as soon as he's done hugging me. "Are you feeling better?"

He nods his head and takes a sip of his water. "Yes, so much better. Thank you for your help yesterday."

"What are girlfriends for?" I shrug my shoulders and glare back at the living room, wanting to ask Kurt about the box. 

I'm too nervous that he's going to get mad at me for asking. I have no right to ask since it's none of my business; it's not even my apartment that I'm living in. I should've just left it alone. 

"Kaitlyn," Kurt gets my attention by calling out my name. 

I snap out of my thoughts and look up at him, but I feel like I betrayed him. "Yeah?"

"What's going on?" His eyebrows furrow. He notices that I'm upset. 

I'm not even upset with him, I'm just upset with myself. I begin to cry. "I found a box on the ground in the living room the day of the 'Nevermind' release party in here. It had, like, a spoon and needles and a lighter and all of this other stuff. Is it yours?"

His lip quivers and he collapses onto the ground right in front of me, his knees folding behind him. He buries his face in his hands. 

I want to go down on the ground with him and comfort him, but there must be a reason as to why he's acting like this. Why is he so upset that I found something?

What is going on?

My body tenses up and I feel myself putting up some sort of shield over me. I used to do this whenever my father was about to hurt me. I did it unintentionally, too. Now my body just naturally does it whenever I feel like something bad is about to happen. 

Why is it happening now?

He takes a deep breath in, then out and sits up. "Kaitlyn." He stands up and rubs the back of him from all of the dust that he sat in. 

He doesn't do a good job at keeping his apartment clean, so he most likely has crumbs all over his butt. 

"I just want you to be honest with me," I continue to cry faintly. His reaction to me just saying that sentence broke me even more than I thought that it would. I'm just glad he isn't mad at me. 

"I didn't even mean to get into the habit of doing it," He justifies himself, becoming very defensive. "It just happened. I only started doing it because my stomach hurt; that's the only reason why I do it. It's for my stomach pains, K."

My eyes grow wide as I realize what he's hinting at. 

I'm not expert on this topic-it's something that my father kept from me while growing up-but I know what he's been doing now.