Soul not Included

Chapter 115

My bags were packed by Augie. According to him my outfits recently have been atrocious, boarding between potato sack and fictional characters. He found no hint of my old style and he swore he'd resurrect it. Not that it was that great before but he swore that at least I had a sense of self then. 

Just his observation.

Not that I cared. I stopped caring about what I wore a long time ago. The only things I really cared about were my dad shirts, dad sweater and Simon's jacket. Anything else didn't matter. Alice used to choose my clothes long before I became separate from Bella and Simon handed me my clothes upon my return and I haven't bought anything new since. If Augie wants to choose my clothes now and make me match his style, i was down for that.

So i left him to it.

The workplace everyone established, I wasn't shameless enough to say I created it myself since I found the phone calls and paperwork and managing of a proper business to be tedious and not... suited for me, has officially began to run last week. Blue found an appropriate nine to five schedule for everyone to be able to work at times which best suited their style that allowed someone to always be available twenty four seven without overworking them. How he managed that, I'll never know. All i knew was I did well wanting him to be in charge of everything.

There was little left to do at home or at the Cullen's. Sue was saddened by my decision and scared of me changing. Seth hugged me as if I was going away forever which didn't help me settle my ridiculous unfounded fear. Carlisle and Esme both gave me embraces and promises to talk more once Oliver would permit them to go over.

I'd have to ask Oliver how he was able to get the Cullens to do everything he wanted with little resistance. 

Emmett pulled me aside just for a bit. Alice and Jasper waiting in the other room. All four of us shared a moment to hug and share... nothing in particular. Their love and small words of caution didn't fill me up like they used to. 

Maybe that was also Augie's influence? Simon's disdain?

I tried my best to push their feelings towards the Cullen's away from my own but that didn't seem to change just how little my reaction to their love towards me was.

So maybe, I just didn't want to care about everything I meant to them and everything they meant to me while I was ready to go. I think I just wanted my head and emotions to be cleared away by the burden their existence put upon me.

I no longer knew if I was happier with them or without them.

The problem that I'm leaving behind was Charlotte.

I never got around to apologizing to her about the Jacob thing. I don't think she was waiting for an apology and I most definitely didn't want to give her another one, a sincere one. She didn't seem upset but I did feel bad about what I did and I think what made me feel worse was the knowledge that Edward had been the one to say that I push my own thoughts and opinions onto others, sometimes prompted and other times unprompted. 

...

Not that i could get mad at him. He isn't wrong.

I sighed heavily. I feel like I've been admitting that to myself a lot. No body is wrong in their thoughts, beliefs, emotions or opinions... therefore, I feel like the one in the wrong is myself. It's so hard to shake that thinking. Augie meddling in my head aside isn't even enough to fix decades of trauma. Decades of constantly feeling like I'm the wrong one, I'm the horrible one, I'm the ugly one, I'm the stupid one.

"Are you going to say good bye to her?" Augie asked. 

Charlotte wasn't here yet. She had stayed with Jacob before and has been going over to keep visiting since and was on her way here now with him but they decided to take the car. Blending in and all that. Being a normal human and not the half vampire that she is. I don't know if that was her attempt to blend in with the pack or if that was her way to listen to what I told her.