Soul not Included

Chapter 18

Oliver was practically bouncing in his seat. I would find him adorably endearing at this moment if it weren't for the fact that everyone decided to meet together at the Hawke residence with no intention of going to school. The idea of ditching itself wasn't the problem. I wouldn't fail this semester for skipping a day. The problem lies in how easy it felt like to not have to be a student.

I can still remember getting up in the mornings to paint, to write, to clean if it was a particularly difficult morning. There was no need to get dressed or wash my hair or prepare meals. There was no need to meet with people or face the glare of the sun. I was free to take my time and listen to myself think. The world i created stretched out before me and by the time i blinked the day was over. Two years went by like nothing. 

I missed the years where i didn't have to cater to people, observe them, and deal with the constant change of emotions. Although it felt good sometimes to listen to other peoples nonsense. Even if the nonsense revolved around things I would rather not deal with.

"And he hasn't invited you out to the field?" Oliver gasped, "don't tell me you didn't go with him by choice?"

Theo rolled his eyes, "heaven forbid anyone turn down— Anthony."

Oliver cringed, "no, not that name. I can't bare it."

"I had a cousin named Anthony." I said, "he went by Tony and i think last i saw him he was drunk and crying in bed or maybe that was his brother... i always get those two confused."

Oliver scrunched his face up, "somehow I'm not surprised. I'd cry too with a name like that."

We both turned to Oliver, "one day we will discuss your aversion to the name Anthony."

Oliver flipped back empty air, "there's nothing to discuss."

Theo leaned onto Oliver, "would it be so horrible to let your hair grow out?" He whispered.

Oliver matched with a whisper so low that i couldn't hear it. I took that as my cue to leave them be. After all they made it clear to me that i wouldn't know much of anything until everyone gathered and unfortunately for me Grace went out with Simon earlier for breakfast. 

I peeked into the bedroom. Augie still in bed and struggling to get up. I flopped down on the opposite twin bed allowing the warmth of it to surround me. There was part of me contemplating Oliver's words. I don't know why it bothered him so much that i refused Edward. Although if I had Theo's words to work on the day he asked me why i simply didn't follow the script then that would explain somewhat. They must think i would be happier to just accept what wasn't mine. Happiness on a silver platter. 

I wasn't in love with the romance between Edward and Bella. The theory of the misunderstanding of love was easier for me to accept rather than the soul mate love that the books tried to sell to my impressionable teenage mind and later mid twenties mind. True love is not real. Fantasy or not love is never easy or true and excepting a love that i have not earned is even less reliable. 

No i could not simply follow the script. It was unfair to Edward. To Bella and to the Cullen family that would come to love her.

"Why do you do that?" Augie's voice broke me away from my thought. I rolled over on my side to face him, "i noticed you always rub your inner wrist."

i rubbed my wrist again. Smooth and translucent. I could no longer see the thin cut i made on it days before. 

"I tried to kill myself when i was thirteen years old... well, i didn't really try that hard. Dying wasn't exactly the goal."

"Then what was?"

"Validity." I muttered, "I had this one cut that left behind a permanent scar. After a promise to my parents that I'd stop i used it as a reminder whenever my thoughts stray too far away from comfort."