Soul not Included

Chapter 100

It was hard to sleep.

Even in Simon's embrace, the safety it provided, the reassurance that everything will be fine, I felt unsettled and stressed. I had... dreams of an bomb going off. I was burned in the explosion. I had nightmares of the dark, the noise, the talking, the crying, the screaming.

I'd startle awake, afraid of waking up in the hospital room again.

Normally, I'd have to take a few minutes of pure panic until i recognize my room in Charlie's house but this time i didn't recognize anything around me. But the panic ebbed away slowly because Simon was there. He tightened his embrace and hummed me back to sleep. And the night continued onward, just like that.

Just like that.

Simon woke me up officially before the sun was up. He wanted to take me back to the studio before he was to sleep. Not that he wanted to sleep.

"But you have things you want to do," he murmured to himself. 

He wanted to keep me away from the world for a day or two. Just us, he said. But i didn't want that. I didn't want to face him for a whole day. I don't think i could be fine just letting myself reminisce. 

"I have things to do," I confirmed.

"Let me do them with you."

I frowned but nodded. 

"Then tell me about your feeling things. How does that work?" I asked.

He sighed and prepared himself for the morning that would soon hit him with full blown exhaustion. His body demands rest when the sun is up but he could fight it. It just wouldn't feel good.

"I've already told you that Augustus is just an extension of myself. Born of years of solitude, correct?"

"... I think you've implied it with me. But no, you haven't told me and if you did, i don't remember."

He nodded. "I'll start from the top then. I wanted companionship and so I made myself a brother. But as I cannot make something from nothing then I had to pull from something to make him. So i pulled from myself. I found my duty heavy to bare alone so Augustus was to bare the heaviness. I found myself disliking nature after years of being alone in it so I forced upon Augie to deal with seeing the living aspects of nature— I'm sure you understand what I'm getting at. I've spent much time watching humanity grow and improve. I've seen their greed and their hate and have been sought out by both wonderful individuals wishing for the good of the world and I've been sought out by horrible individuals urging me to do unspeakable things so they could have everything they ever wanted. I had no say and no control. I did what was asked and the burden of the feelings of things I had to do, i could not handle. Not alone."

Simon had changed out of his clothes and dressed into the darkest clothes Augie owned. Which was a spectrum of browns and maroon. 

"It would be too dangerous were I to rid myself of all that keeps me connected to humanity. The Creator is capable of great misdeeds because He cannot relate to humans. I know this. No human would have burdened me with such an existence in good conscious. I was literally the scale that could tip the fate of humanity to their best or their worst fate. From killing one person to killing thousands or committing genocide. There is nothing that I could reject, so what was my problem? It was that i felt too much for the creatures on the earth. I felt too much for humans and those emotions were getting in the way of my willingness to complete my purpose in the world. I've rejected Him once. Do you know how it is to reject a Creator?" He asked. 

I wasn't sure if he wanted an answer but he remained quiet. So i had to think about it.

"Mathew 27: 1-5," I muttered. "Early in the morning, all the chief priests and the elders of the people made their plans how to have Jesus executed. So they bound him, led him away and handed him over to Pilate the governor. When Judas, who had betrayed him, saw that Jesus was condemned, he was seized with remorse and returned the thirty pieces of silver to the chief priests and the elders. 'I have sinned,' he said, 'for i have betrayed innocent blood.' 'What is that to us?' They replied. 'That's your responsibility.' So Judas threw the money into the temple and left. Then he went away and hanged himself."