Soul not Included

Chapter 99

Seth asked if i needed for him to stay.

I told him no.

Emotional distress aside, I think i was handling it very well. I wasn't about to fall apart because the boy I've been holding onto all these years had finally come back. With the same beautiful face and translucent hair and long lashes and ridiculously blue eyes. 

I've had years to slowly learn to say goodbye to all of my original plans. I had decided to do what Billy and Sue suggested.

Do whatever the hell I wanted.

I didn't linger on the abandonment of the Cullens... abandonment being a very strong word to describe what this was. Logic was something I had to learn to set aside when trying to process feelings...

I felt abandoned.

I'm not sure if it's true. They come by to visit when they could. They offered me every comfort I would ever need. Hell, i could not work a single day of my life and I would never have to want for anything... that is how well the Cullens are caring for me, even in their absence and among all of their beautiful gifts they shower me with the ultimate gift they had given me was a chance to be with Charlie...

Alice was right after all. I love Charlie and I am glad she pushed this choice.

I didn't linger on the idea of lost love.

Love is one of those emotions that come and go. Sometimes i feel like I don't truly love anyone but the thought of Simon hurt. The thought of Edward hurt. The thought of being with anyone else but those two boys that i had come to rely on hurt. It felt wrong even... so that must be love. 

The missing parts.

The hurting parts.

The fact that i know I would forgive them both for anything parts...

That must be love, i think.

Love that is all consuming.

Love that isn't fair.

Love that I regret.

Love that makes me hate me more than anything. Why did I fall in love? Why can't I move on? Why do I continue waiting?

Saying goodbye to my love for them was painful and slow.

Simon only returned to dig up these feelings. Shoving it into my face that I hadn't successfully said goodbye. I had only hidden it under the surface so i wouldn't have to keep looking at it. I wouldn't have to keep feeling it. I wouldn't have to keep hurting.

"I was waiting," i murmured. Brushing fingertips through Simon's hair. Even next to him, resting on the couch in the music room, there was so much color in my pale skin and pale hair in comparison to him. 

I was alive.

He was not.

That difference is clear to me now that I've spent so much time away from vampires. I am changing and growing and aging and learning... he's still seventeen. He's like a living piece of my past. 

"Simon... love, time to wake up."

He didn't. He still had a good hour left. He probably needed the sleep. He was probably exhausted. So i stayed there. Sitting on the floor by his head. My fingers running through his thin hair. Love and hate mixing.

Hate was winning. 

It wasn't so much anger rather, it felt more like... fear. 

I was afraid. 

Afraid of what? I wasn't sure. But i hated that fear. The fear toward Simon and all it meant for him to be here. 

Will he ask me to leave Charlie now? Will I want to go?