Soul not Included

Chapter 61

The morning ray of sunlight struck me across the face. There was crust in my eyes and my lips felt bitten through. My throat dried. My body was heavy like there was an elephant standing on my chest. The blankets were sticking to my skin due to sweat and I reached around, bed empty.

I knew it would be. I asked him to sleep in the other room for a bit. Even after the apology. He wasn't okay, his guilt so evident on his face. I wish it was guilt because he was being unreasonable, that way I would be able to argue about it, but he wasn't. He felt guilt for making me cry, I wasn't expecting to cry about it, not because he denied me. I wasn't upset about being denied either, he was very reasonable and I understood. In this situation I am the unreasonable one... because unlike him, I know I wanted a child and I know that he could have one...

Through... stupid... vampire venom semen...

I shook my head. I never understood that part. It makes no sense and frankly I don't care anymore all I know is that... it was possible. I've considered telling him but I don't know how he'd react. Would he be more opposed? Would he be horrified? Would he be even more adamant to not touch me because ultimately it's the baby the would force me to turn into a vampire. Something that I never fought about becoming. Edward and I get along because we are on the same page about me staying human. I never fought for that right.

I'm back in a spot in my life where I can't have one thing without giving up something else. That was fine with me... i suppose. It's not something difficult to deal with. 

I could bite back my wants to stay with what I have. No need to be greedy or to rush fixing the things I've ruined. One day, I'll make things right. Just not today. I can't argue about this. He has his rights and nothing I would say would sound right anyways. He wouldn't be able to stop from thinking that I'm trying to manipulate him the moment I open my mouth to convince him. I can't hate him for that. It's the image I painted myself in. The liar. The manipulator.   

I have to just... be patient. Maybe he'll think about it more. Maybe I will still be here when he agrees. If he agrees... 

He won't.

Keep expectations low. Lower than low. Don't have them to begin with.

I took a deep breath and rolled myself off the bed. There's no need to ruin the rest of the trip with these thoughts. If I'm mopey then he'll just have a harder time about it. Another manipulation tactic, he might think.

I took a quick shower and put on another dress after, another short one the color of peaches. Alice knew, exactly what I would need here and that brightened up my mood a bit. Silver linings. The Cullens are a great family. Why was I running from them before? Right, Edward was a fucking creepy stalker.

That made me laugh. He stopped the stalking the moment I asked him to. he kept his boundaries when I set them. he was... annoyingly there but genuinely wanted to just... care and be there. Somehow in anyway. 

When did I start to accept that all the red flags were gone?gone? Or have I just chosen that they weren't important anymore? Was it on the plane ride back from the Volturi? When my death felt more imminent at the hands of Victoria and Aro? When accepting Edward was the lesser of two evils?

It doesn't matter now in any case. Be happy, he said.

Edward was standing by the french doors overlooking the ocean, looking like a sad kicked puppy unsure of what to do or say the moment he saw me. If it was possible for a vampire to look haggard and tired and weepy then he nailed it.

Be happy. 

I slipped on my sandals and searched for a brush for my hair. He hadn't moved and didn't say a thing. I swallowed hard. I didn't expect it to be so awkward this morning. It wasn't like things ended horribly. We just disagreed.