Fifty-nine

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(For this chapter play cardigan - the long pond studio sessions by taylor swift)

I can't breathe.

It feels like my world is colliding, walls are closing in and crushing me slowly.

With slow long steps, I enter the room and look at her. I let myself analyze her, and let it settle in. Her hair, it doesn't look nearly as thick as before even with layers. Her small body, thinner and weaker. The bruises that formed so easily on her skin. My eyes travel to her nose, how easily it bleeds. Her mouth, how little food she's able to eat. The lack of appetite.

I punch myself internally, how the fuck could I be so blind? How could I not see what was in front of me? I thought her weight loss was because of sadness. I thought her nose bled because she hadn't eaten enough, and her body reacted badly. I thought she was tired all the time, because she didn't consume enough energy. How could I be so blind?

"Luna" I say, it comes out as a whisper barely to be heard. I come closer, towering over her.
"Luna" I repeat, she stirs in her sleep but doesn't wake up. She's sleeping so peacefully, while I feel my world colliding at the thought of her hurting. Hurt mixed with anger. Why didn't she tell me?
"Luna" I repeat a final time, this time my voice is stern, and loud enough for her to flutter her eyes open.

She smiles when her eyes meet mine, but the smile falls right away when she sees the look on my face.
"Baby?" she says, "what's wrong?" Everything, everything is fucking wrong.
"Remember when you said we couldn't get married?" I ask, "why?"
I'm giving her the option to tell me, to confess herself.

She gulps, and bites her lip to cover the unease she's feeling.
"I-" She starts but pauses right away, "Um, can we talk about it later? I'm tired." She's pushing it away, she's delaying at as much as she can, refusing to admit.
"Why?" I say again, denying her request to push it away for later. She closes her eyes and lets out a breath, "it's a lot to talk about Xander. We can't just get married, we haven't worked things out."

"Don't fucking lie to me Luna!" I snap, feeling my emotions sky rock as I fight back the urge to tear down everything around us. Fighting the tears with fire.
She looks taken aback, confused at why I'm reacting like this.

I sink my shoulders in defeat, feeling my body give in as I sit down on the floor, right beneath her. I raise my hand, showing her the bottle in my hand. I don't look at her, because I know that seeing the look on her face is enough to tear me to shreds.
"My grandfather had cancer Luna, the same type of cancer." I say, my voice hoarse as it breaks, "I know how this goes." Every bone in my body breaks.

She doesn't say anything, she's shocked. Almost as shocked as I am.
Then finally, she breaks the silence. "Come, lay next to me" I sit there, unable to move as my body freezes still, "please."

I gather my strength and lift myself up. She moves further in, making place for me as I lay down next to her. I still don't look at her, and I know it's unfair. I know it's selfish of me, but every bad scenario is playing through my head, every what if. I'm hurt, I'm angry that I couldn't see it.
"Baby look at me" she says, and I close my eyes as I feel the burning sensation build up behind them.

Her hand caresses my cheek, she's soothing me while I should be the one soothing her. It's not fair, yet not a single bone in my body is able to move.
"I'm so sorry I didn't tell you earlier love, we were doing so well. You told me that you love my courage, my strength, how could I look you in the face and tell you that I'm now lacking both?" Her voice is soft and fragile, barely to be heard.

I open my eyes and look at her, I look at her.
I see her. I see her soul. I see her heart.
I see the broken person beneath those strong green eyes, my favorite eyes.
My favorite soul, my favorite person. My person.

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