Chapter twenty one

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(PLEASE log into Spotify and put the song "trauma" by NF on repeat, through the whole chapter)

"Xander" I whispered, as the phone fell from my hand, and suddenly it felt like every single word in my vocabulary had turned into a blank space at the sight of betrayal in his eyes.
"I-" What could one even say in a situation like this, would he even believe me?

"You're pathetic" He spat, I knew he was speaking purely based on anger and the feeling of betrayal, but what did he expect? Did he expect me to accept everything? Turn a blind eye and act like I hadn't been kidnapped by someone I took a risk on?

"I fucking trusted you, and your failed attempt at backstabbing me is nothing more than disgusting"

I closed my eyes, trying to block out his words.
"What did you expect me to do? Try to see it from my perspective Xander"
I opened my eyes, only to met his darkened ones. This time It felt like I was the one twisting the knife.

Was I really in the wrong? I couldn't do it, I didn't do it.
Was the thought alone, enough of a betrayel for him to look at me like I was something completely and utterly worthless in front of him.

He looked at me up and down, disgust written all over his face.
"It's embarrassing really" He spat, and I already knew that whatever sentence that was going to escape those beautiful plump lips, was going to be like poison.

"You want to leave so fucking badly Luna? Well guess what, no one is going to be there for you, no one is going to take care of you the way I do because no one fucking loves you, there's no one out there waiting on you so what the fuck is it you're so desperate to escape to?"

I gulped, as I felt like I was choking on his words.
Oh, how dangerous anger could be, how words could hurt way more than physical pain.

"Stop it Xander" I whispered, "You're hurting me".

I blinked, and blinked as I fought back tears. I didn't want to cry in front of him, because If I did then that would mean I let his words get to me, and If I do then there's no going back.

"I'm hurting you? I'm fucking hurting you Luna? All I did was try to protect you, and you're so desperately trying to run into a world were people are standing in line to take advantage of you or treat you like a burden" He spat, so angrily.

Was the thought of me betraying him really that hurtful?
Had my actions really affected him that much? And if they did then, maybe he did have a heart after all.

I tilted my head as realization hit me, "You're falling for me".
His eyes softened at the sentence that escaped my lips, for a second there it felt like he was confirming the thought that had escaped in a second of cloudiness.

As I felt his presence getting closer, I took a couple of steps back.
My eyes met his, and the warm brown eyes were waiting for my next sentence as If everything depended on it.
"You can't fall for me Xander" I mumbled, feeling all the clouds in me rain, "I'm not here for the long run".

Forever has always been a word I attached to memories, and not to people.

In my life there was not forever, everything was temporary, even me.

I watched as his eyes hardened, and if the eyes really were the windows of the soul then I could see and feel his soul hurt and betrayed.
"I could never fall for someone as weak as you" His words shattered my soul.

His hands grabbed me, and the warm touch I once woke up in, felt like it burned into my skin now.
"Where are you taking me?" I asked, as his grip only tightened while he dragged me down some stairs. The way was so familiar, I expected to be on the same cement floor I had slept on two days in a row.

When he opened the door, to a room with walls so close I felt my breath stop just by looking at them, fear rushed all over my body. "Please don't"
He pushed me in, and I watched in horror as he closed the door, leaving me trapped between these doors without a single hint of light.

"No, please" I begged, "please don't do this to me" a cry escaped my lips.
If my nightmares could come true, this would be it. This single moment.
You don't have to hurt someone to move on.

All the memories I had used so much time on burying, were coming back like a wave.
It felt like I was getting hit by lightning, on repeat.

"Mom? Dad?
I cried, as I was suddenly back in the familiar closet, waiting on someone to open up and see me.

My heart was racing,
"Where's my mommy? I wanna see daddy, please"

My body was shaking, so badly it felt like a storm was erupting from the inside.
"We're sorry sweetie, mommy and daddy had to visit a place, and it might take some time for them to come back"

I felt a strong pain in my chest, as breathing started feeling like an extra benefit I couldn't afford.
"You're lying they're right there!" I said, as I ran to mommy and daddy as they were getting wrapped in a black bag each. They weren't responding, why weren't they responding.

Chills ran through my spine, as the room switched from unbearable hot to freezing cold in seconds.
Suddenly, another nightmare appeared, and the feeling of belt hitting my back while the sentence
"Nice girls don't curse" was repeated.

A scream escaped my lips, my vision so blurry from the tears racing down that I couldn't see.
"Let me out! Please!" I banged on the door, as the walls were getting closer and my screams bigger.

The door opened, and I fell into the same familiar arms that seemed to protect me from the danger they put me in themselves, knocking me down and building me up again.
"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry angel" The familiar voice spoke as the arms lifted me up while I hysterically cried while asking for it to stop, for the pain to go away.

Black satin sheets brushed against my body was I was placed down.
A pair of arms holding around me, and brushing through my hair trying to calm me down.

"Make it stop, please" I begged, searching for every single ounce of oxygen I could get.

After months of being on the run, the panic attacks had caught up again.

"Breath angel, please" His hand found its way to my cheek and brushed away the tears.
"I didn't mean to, I was just angry, I didn't mean it" His voice was vulnerable, fragile like a glass that could break at any sudden movement.

He placed a kiss on my forehead, not letting me go for a simple second.
"You're doing great, princess" another tear escaped my eye at the words coming from him, although he was the one who broke me down, right now it felt like he was the only one who could build me up again.

He was the one making me sick, but also the medicine that cured me.

"I'm so sorry" He repeated again.

I took a deep breath, feeling my body giving in.
"I forgive you" I said, before feeling my body relax and seeing black when my eyes had finally run out of tears. Only one single tear escaping as I fell asleep in those familiar arms.

Guys I do understand that not everyone will like the book BUT YOU DONT HAVE TO ANNOUNCE EVERYTIME YOU DECIDE THAT THIS BOOK ISNT FOR YOU AND THAT YOU'RE LEAVING. Come on now😭 like whats the point? I understand that Xander is not liked at all, but I warned you specifically in the intro HE'S NOT MEANT TO BE LIKED AND HE's NOT A GOOD GUY at first.

Ofc there will be character developement but it takes time, this is only the start and Xander's character is messed up - ofc he wont change overnight.

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