My diary 2

12.7.22

i'll write about my american ex later

i just found out how to make the perfect slushie. before i thought i'd made one but it was just bits of ice in a bottle with liquid. now i know how
you freeze a bottle of water with juice of your preferred nature. but take it out before it's fully frozen. it has to be frozen but break-apart able
so smash the bottle around on something or tap it with the handle of some cutlery until everything it's broken up into small bits and a lil bit of liquid then put it back in the freezer for 5 mins. take it out and it should be completely solid as the liquid has moulded the smashed bits together. but because it hasn't frozen properly it's just in a slushie state if you shake it :)

i've done nothing today but rest my legs. my body clock makes me wake up early unfortunately
surelyyyy the electricity bill won't be sky high because of my fan.. it's been on for like a day straight lmfao
leah and me are meeting on sunday. though this time i'm going to her by two buses
next sunday and monday are meant to reach 35°C which is absolutely unacceptable. i will surely die

i've been looking for holidays and plan on croatia or porto.. there's a lot of good hotels to choose from but it's just the connecting flights i don't need
i really need to open another bank account for savings and upgrade the others. one for holidays and the other for spending randomly

i should write about my american ex..

we met online ofc and spoke for a while. i think after a while we got sorta close. by close i mean sending memes and messaging not to often, more the memes. i guess she felt as if she was closer to me than i knew because i was off with the polish girl (which i've written about)
so yes i didn't feel too close to her evidently as i was dating the polish girl. but here's where the problem came, i lied to her and said that the initial in my bio was for led zeppelin........
so she believed me but being the crazy stalker psycho she is went through all my followers and found the polish girl and sent the vid of her crying. i said to the american girl that i didn't wanna hurt her so i didn't tell her' which i guess is true but i didn't feel too close to her so it shouldn't of been her business anyway?

so this unfortunately created bragging rights throughout the entire time i've known her, for her to justify what she did

once the polish girl found out about the american girl she told me to block her. but i still called her when i walked back from the polish girls house some nights just because i felt so bad for her
she was mad at me ofc but we were friends secretly

when the polish girl sodded off a few months later in lockdown me and the american girl started dating for the first time. we really liked each other and i planned to meet her etc (she lives in virginia) we facetimed everyday but eventually she became very possessive. she went through all my followers that are girls asking how i know them and how close we are and looking at their posts which id commented on screenshotting them to show me and suggest i was cheating or something?
she eventually demanded access to my instagram and snapchat which i reluctantly gave away. i had no contact with anyone especially girls. i remember one time i was messaging a girl on my instagram account about some cat meme i sent and when i went to check my phone i noticed that i'd sent 'fuck off' but i hadn't sent that, it was the american girl on my account

the cool side of this was that i had access to her instagram and snapchat too which fed into my stalking.. more on that later

somehow, i think through normal SMS messaging she said to me that she was sorry but she was dating her ex? she felt really bad for me apparently but he was just better and used distance as a reason too i think
i was still hopeful that she would come back to me and wasn't mad at all
we stopped talking naturally but then started again once they'd broken up because they were 'too far apart' when he was only moving to the next city and i was across the fucking ocean

we dated again and i obviously didn't know better. she had an eating disorder among many other issues btw

now to the stalking part. one night with her on facetime on my old phone, i went through her snapchat 'my eyes only' for hours and hours. i stayed up the entire night looking at photos of her and her ex together, some photos were from when we were dating. i found her nudes which she'd sent to him (she never sent any to me and was firm on that)
and their snapchat messages of after they'd done some crazy sexual shit... he was saying how he wished he'd done certain stuff to her etc and questioned her why she didn't give him oral sex
when she woke up i told her that i went through her snapchat but she didn't care at all, as if she didn't know what i'd found

we dated this time for much longer. about a month or two but one day she was being off with me and i knew she wasn't happy with being in a relationship with me so i just ended it
not long afterwards they were dating again. it's as if they were doing stuff all along with me across the sea not knowing anything. her ploy of the psychotic possessiveness was for nothing then? it's confusing

she blocked me but started messaging me a while later. i gave her soooo much hate, a disgusting amount and she fully deserved it
i told her exactly what i found on her snapchat and still she didn't care
then at new years her boyfriend sent me videos of them in the shower together. lovely welcome to 2021

then she'd block me again and half a year later randomly facetime me every few months while she was with her friends to make much of my accent etc
it was always 5am when they called me and they always woke me up

now we are friends and only friends thankfully. they broke up and from what i can gather it was because he just didn't want to be in a relationship with her. he got what he wanted out of her and left. but she still loves him a lot

yes that's the american girlfriend. how she cheated and used me, the polish girl situation and how someone who didn't love her took her away from me twice to use her.
i suppose i'm just unlucky with love?

there's the people who date one person their entire life and stay with them or the person who dates lots of people for short amounts of time. unfortunately i'm the second one and i don't know why
it might be more fun this way. after all i've had a different girlfriend every september for the past 4 or 5 years
when i love someone my love doesn't go like theirs does instantly. when i love someone i really do. i put so so much effort in but each time i fall short. i've only ever left someone once or twice and that was because i knew they were leading me on. there's also always been a second person who takes them away from me too
keeping a girl as a friend was impossible. they either didn't care or dated me for a week then left with somebody. but with her we were friends for 5 years and i guess she was just scared to meet me because she'd end up leading me on or something. idk but that's the only situation where someone has stayed for more than a short while

now i'm still looking for someone. i'll see how leah goes for the time being. it's not as if i have any other choice really.. i feel like if i don't find somebody now then i will end up being single forever which i don't want
but yes leah is great from what i've seen of her but i just hope she'll stay

goodnight