Hey Soulmate! [(Bakugo Katsuki) Two-Month Hiatus]

Chapter Seventy-one

I stood before my father's grave, staring with dull eyes as the world around me blurred and glitched every now and then. The trees swayed dully as the cold breeze of wind blew by softly. I tucked in a stray hair.

I held sunflowers in my hand. It looked dead, though clearly alive. The color looked gray. White. Black. Monochrome. Even the color of my favorite lavender long skirt was only in black and white.

Luci was silent inside me. Almost as if he wasn't there. Almost as if he didn't even exist at the moment. But I knew, he was searching.

I knelt down, placing the monochromatic sunflowers in the vases I placed at the day of his funeral.

I breathed in.

The temptation of not letting it go gripped hard on me. Still, I did it. I let it go. 

I lied once again.

I haven't gotten over it yet.

Was I a liar now?

It's happening.

It's happening again.

No... This is a dream. That much was obvious. A dream that I can somehow control and somehow not control at the same time.

I was aware of that the whole time.

The black and white surroundings proved enough proof.

I stared blankly on my father's grave, trying so hard to imagine that we were just in out dining room, sitting and chatting amongst ourselves. That he was still laughing and smiling whenever I complain about something absurd.

I imagined, alright.

But instead of that, the image of multiple needles stuck on his arms, his thinning face, his bony hands, his dull eyes and the skeleton of his wings were the ones stuck in my head.

It made me almost wish I didn't visit him each day after dismissal, right then and there. So I won't be suffering as much as I am now.

Then I instantly took that thought back, remorse, guilt, and self resentment flooding through my veins.

I gripped my head with sharpening talons.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

I shouldn't have even thought of that.

I'm sorry.

I realized that I would still suffer if I didn't dare visit him everyday. I'd still miss his presence alone.

Is it bad that I just realized how selfish I was? Trying to save myself from self pity and depression when I knew it would happen regardless of my decision.

I wrapped my wings around me, imagining it as my Papa's bigger wings embracing me. Comforting me. Letting me know that he hasn't left me completely. I closed my eyes and inhaled.

This doesn't feel right.

This is pathetic.

Why am I making myself suffer?

Am I really that helpless without my father?

I needed to face reality that he won't be coming back no matter what. It was impossible.

I forced myself to imagine something else again.

Something happy.

Something colorful.

Please take me there.

Luci.. please take me there.

"Idiot.. rely on me.. as much as you want... Rely on me."