I didn't dream about anything, but my subconscious somehow reminded me that I'm at the cell with Negan. I woke up. I realized Negan was sitting next to me on the other side of the bars and my head was on his shoulder. He was holding my hand too. He was asleep. I looked towards the window, it was still dark outside, but it was quiet. No storm. I felt my pocket, I still had the key to his cell. He could've taken it easily, but he didn't. I felt like maybe I could trust him. Maybe.
I felt disturbing things.
Should I stay or should I go home? I didn't want to wake him up.
His face was so close to mine. He was breathing slowly, I felt his breath on my cheek. Just as I was staring at him, he suddenly opened his eyes. I found myself an inch away from his face. I quickly backed away.
"Sorry I woke you up. The storm is over."
He looked at the window with very sleepy eyes. I quickly leaped to my feet.
"I'm leaving. I'll come back in the morning."
"Don't go out in the dark. You don't even have a flashlight. Come back and sleep."
"You didn't take the key. You know exactly where I keep it."
He looked at me, more awake now.
"I told you. I deserve this. I don't want to go out. If I went out, they would kill me."
"That's for sure."
This whole situation was so awkward, I wanted to escape. He leaned back against the wall and closed his eyes. He looked handsome.
No.
He is Negan. He is a murderer. He is not handsome.
I rushed out into the night.
The sun's first rays were visible at the horizon. I quickly got to my house. I locked the door behind me and took some deep breathes. What the actual hell happened?
Images of a hug, holding hands, and smiles flashed before my eyes. I felt some strange warmness inside me. My hands were slightly shaking.
I should think about Daryl. Fast. I was trying to recall his blue eyes, his face, his voice, his angel-winged vest, his crossbow... But at the same time, brown eyes kept coming into my head.
No.
This can't be.
I washed my face and lay on my bed. I tried to sleep, but I kept seeing blue and brown eyes, smiles...
Daryl never smiled at me. I kept seeing Negan's smile.
I felt his hug.
No, stop! I had to force myself to stop thinking about such things.
I didn't sleep at all. Morning came. I prepared his breakfast.
My hands were shaking as I went to him.
I took a deep breath before I went down. Michonne stopped me.
"Everything alright?" she asked.
"Yes, why?"
"I'm sorry I sent you back to Negan last night, but you were still safer down there than out here."
"He didn't do anything to me. Actually... I had a panic attack and he helped." Michonne frowned her eyebrows. I shouldn't have told her that. I always speak before I think.
"I'm scared of storms," I added fast. She looked at me suspiciously.
"Okay. Tell me if anything's wrong with him."
"I will," I said. Michonne left me. I took another deep breath and went down. He was standing at the window.
"Were you listening?" I asked him.
"You told Michonne that I helped you?"
"Well, I didn't go into details..." I felt my face went red. I think he noticed it. He came to the bars with a huge smile. I handed over his breakfast without looking at him.
"Gosh, it's so easy to embarrass you. Wanna come in for a morning fuck?"
I jerked my head up.
"You are an asshole," I said and left him. I heard him giggle. He is back to his old self. I went to tend my garden. I was late with his lunch. He never complained though, not even when I didn't give him any lunch.
I prepared his meal and went down to him.
I handed it over, without looking at him. But since he didn't say a word, I had to look at him. He was staring at me. I felt my face going red again.
"Eat," I said and turned my back on him to leave.
"Oh, come on. Don't leave again," he put the plate on his bed and came back to the bars. "I thought we broke the ice last night," he grabbed my wrist between the iron bars. "Stay."
I looked him in the eye.
"I can't," I said and I pulled my wrist from his hand and left. I can't stay, because I don't want to feel these things. I don't want to like him.
I shouldn't have got to know him. I shouldn't have talked to him. I tried to keep it at the minimum, but somehow we ended up talking about ourselves on several occasions.
I rushed to Gabriel directly.
"Gabriel!" I called for him at his door. He opened it.
"Hello, Quinn, what's going on?" he asked.
"Can you feed Negan for a week, from now, please?"
"Okay..." I could see he didn't want to, but I didn't want to go there now either.
"Thank you," I quickly got away before he could change his mind.
I went to the Kingdom.
Thoughts were swirling rapidly in my head while I was on my way. I tried not to think about it. Why would I feel anything? Maybe I know a little more about Negan than I know about Daryl. But he is a psychopath, he is a murderer, a rapist. He is not someone to trust. But I felt like I could trust him when I had that panic attack. Maybe I couldn't think straight. I have to empty my head. I have to think it through with a clear mind.
When I arrived, I searched for Carol.
"Hi!" she welcomed me with a huge smile, hugged me.
"Can you come with me outside?" I asked in a whisper.
"What's going on?"
"I don't want anyone to hear what I'd like to talk about."
She frowned her eyebrows but followed me outside. We wandered into the woods...
I looked around cautiously.
"What's wrong? Negan did something?" she asked.
"I think I'm... starting to have feelings for him," I squeezed the words out of myself.
Her eyes pierced right through me.
"You can't be serious. I hope you are joking."
My face turned red.
"I'm sorry... I..."
"No, you can't be serious!" Carol yelled at me. "You know what he did, you know who he is!"
I didn't say a word. I know. I know what he did. I know she is right.
She shook her head, she couldn't believe it. I couldn't believe it either.
"Have you told anybody else?" she asked in a bit calmer way.
"No."
"Good. Maggie would definitely kill you on the spot and probably others too," she was shaking her head again. "Just... what is wrong with you??"
"I'm asking myself the same question."
"But I thought..." she continued in a whisper. "I thought you were in love with Daryl."
"Well... I don't know either what the hell. Can someone love two guys at the same time?"
Carol just stared at me.
"I just can't believe it. And I don't want to deal with your love life right now."
"I know that it's the apocalypse and we have to survive, but others are making love too, why can't I?"
"Because you always fell in love with the wrong guy!" Carol was yelling.
I don't answer for a moment, but then I say it.
"Daryl is not interested, because he loves you. I know that."
Carol laughs.
"Daryl is not interested in ANYBODY. He is just not the romantic type."
"See? You get him, you understand him, you are a perfect match for him. That's why I won't have a chance ever."
Carol sighs, stares at me for a long minute.
"But why him? Okay, you gave up on Daryl, but why HIM? I just don't get it..."
"Me neither... I'm just feeling this. Maybe I'm attracted to bad guys."
"But he is not just a bad guy! For fuck's sake... Okay let's leave it here, shall we? I don't want to hear anymore."
"Everything alright?" suddenly Daryl showed up in front of us. My face went red again. I hate that I can't control this. Carol looked at me, then turned to Daryl.
"Everything's fine." then she left. Daryl followed her, as always. Alright. I was in love with Daryl for so long, but he will never notice me because he only sees Carol. Fortunately, Carol is a good friend of mine. Actually, my only friend.
I just have to digest the fact that I told Carol, which made it real.
I fell in love with the devil.
I fell in love with Negan.
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(Author's notes: Time to reveal the theme song of the fanfic. 😊
Listen to "I fell in love with the devil" by Avril Lavigne. This song inspired me to write this fanfiction. <3 )