(Author's notes: I would like to recommend another song, listen now, before you start reading. The song is "Hello Heartache" by Avril Lavigne.)
...
Two years passed again. I haven't seen Daryl since that incident in the forest and I actively tried not to think about him. Eventually, I thought about him less and less.
Negan talked to me sometimes, but not that much. He got this new habit of saying thank you after every meal.
One day I saw something.
He was talking to Judith through the window. He seemed happy, he was joking and laughing. I looked around, I saw no one. I stepped to the little girl.
"Judith, you should go home," I said politely.
"I know, I know," she said and left.
I went down to the cell. When Negan saw me, he came to the bars. He did this all the time since I came back from the Kingdom.
"You shouldn't talk to her. If Michonne knew, she would cut you in half, because unlike me, she was right there and watched Abraham and Glenn in their last moments."
He took the meal and started to eat. He swallowed then said:
"You're right. But she is such a sweet little girl."
"Are you a pedophile or what?"
He frowned his eyebrows disapprovingly.
"Even I must draw the line somewhere. I am definitely not a pedophile."
He took a bite of his sandwich.
"Glad to know."
He swallowed then continued.
"Me and my wife, Lucille... We always wanted to have a child. But she couldn't... We didn't get to... then all this mess happened and she died... I always wanted to be a father."
His eyes pierced right into my soul as he said that. This was the first time I ever felt sorry for him. He continued eating.
I didn't say anything else. I never thought about having children. I just wanted to fall in love first, and maybe later I would consider it.... I was so lost in thought that I didn't even realize he finished his meal. He was leaning to the iron bars and staring at me. I quickly got the plate from him and stepped to the stairs.
"Why are you always in such a hurry?" he asked.
"I don't want to be with you longer than I must."
"Ouch! I didn't see that coming," he said with a wide smile. I rolled my eyes.
"What do you want?"
"Nothing. You can leave if you want to."
"I want to."
So I left.
That night I lay awake in my bed, staring at the ceiling. Then I got up and looked out of my window. I saw the stars so clearly. It was beautiful.
I couldn't shake these things out of my head.
And now I can't sleep because I just realized that I kind of started to like Negan. He was so miserable, he did bad things but he seemed to be regretting them. He seemed to be changing. Maybe Judith is changing him?
I lay back in my bed. When I fell asleep, I dreamed about Negan bashing Abraham and Glenn's heads. How he smashed again and again and again with the bat. I woke up suddenly, my heart was beating fast. I think my subconscious wanted to warn me, to remind me who Negan is. I wasn't present in real life, but in my dream, I saw it so clearly. I took a deep breath.
I washed my face.
The next day I brought him breakfast and lunch and we didn't talk, he just thanked me for the meals.
In the evening I went down. I saw some very dark clouds in the sky. When I reached the cell, I heard it started to rain. Great, I will be soaking when I get back to my house.
I gave him his meal and I wanted to go back but then I saw lightning striking and Michonne running on the street yelling:
"Everyone, stay at home! It's going to be a huge storm!" she spotted me coming out of the basement and yelled at me too. "Go back down there, it's not going to be safe out here in a couple of minutes!" she said then ran into her house.
I throw up my arms irritated. I went back down.
"I hear a nice storm out there. You don't want to be wet?" asked Negan with that perverted smile again. Like a sixteen-year-old who thinks sexual things are funny. He already finished his meal, he came to the iron bars and leaned to it.
"No, thanks," I said. I sat down on the ground in front of the cell and leaned my back against the wall, closed my eyes. Several minutes passed like this.
"I just realized I don't even know your name," said Negan.
"Why do you want to know?" I asked, opening my eyes.
"Well, you know my name, but I didn't properly introduce myself. I'm Negan," he stretched his arm between the iron bars. I got up and took his hand.
"I'm Quinn."
He smiled at me.
"Nice to meet you, Quinn." he shook my hand.
"You asked me after four years? Really?"
He shrugged his shoulders.
"I was busy."
"I witnessed it."
He was still holding my hand, I pulled it back.
I just realized I was smiling. I turned around went back to the wall and sat down as I was before.
He leaned his head to the bars.
"So, what now?" he asked.
"I'm trapped in here. Until the storm goes away."
"That might take several hours. Are you ready to spend several hours with me? Right after you let me know you don't want to be in here more than you must."
"I have no choice."
I closed my eyes again. Long minutes passed. I forced myself not to think about Daryl, but I couldn't stop this thought rushing into my mind: he is out there in the woods in this storm. I hope he built a shelter or something. I sighed unconsciously.
"He won't die in a storm. Trust me, he is tough." Negan said. I opened my eyes, he was sitting next to the iron bars, his back and head leaning against the wall.
"I wasn't..." I tried to deny it, but he saw right through me.
"Yes, you were."
"Whatever..." I closed my eyes again. "I don't have feelings for him anymore."
Negan didn't answer, but I also didn't want to chat about my love life with him again.
I didn't want to be there. He didn't say a word for a long time. I think I fell asleep, I saw Abraham and Glenn again, their heads bashed by Negan... he smashed with his bat and I heard a huge thunder, I jumped. I looked around, suddenly I was fully alert.
"Easy," said Negan. Looks like he didn't fall asleep.
"Ugh..." I wiped the sleepiness off my face. "I think I fell asleep."
"Yes, you did. Were you dreaming? You made strange noises."
"Like what?"
"Like that "ugh" you made just now."
"I was dreaming about you."
"Well well, that's interesting," he smiled widely.
"It was a nightmare."
"Oh, come on, I'm not that terrible in the bed."
I rolled my eyes.
"I saw you bashing Glenn and Abraham's heads."
His smile faded away at once. Suddenly he became very serious.
"I dream about that too. I was such an asshole... The end of the world brings out the worst in people. I regret so many things... Like killing Glenn and Abraham."
"You just wanted to survive somehow." I can't believe I said that. Negan looked at me surprised too. "If you would've killed Daryl or Carol... I might have just done the same thing to you. I would have bashed your head. Did you have anyone at the Sanctuary whom you actually liked?"
"Not really... But let's get back to the point where you killed me. That's interesting."
"I won't kill you."
"I don't want to die."
I heard another enormous thunderclap and I jumped again. I breathed heavily. Since my childhood, I was always afraid of storms. I love the weather after the storm goes away, but the storm itself was scary. I was afraid I'm going to have a panic attack. But it was too late, I was already having it.
"Shit, you don't look good, are you alright?" asked Negan. He slowly stood up and came closer to me.
"I... I think I'm having a panic attack," I said. I closed my eyes tight, I pulled up my knees and held myself as I was sitting. Another thunderclap came, another jump.
"How do you stop a panic attack? Can I help?" he asked. He sounded sincere.
"I should calm down and think about something else. But I can't." I just realized that tears were rolling down my cheek.
"Come here," said Negan. No, he demanded. I looked up at him. He stretched his hand out between the iron bars. I stood up and took it. He squeezed my hand gently. He took my other hand too. I was looking down at my feet, I was ashamed.
"Look at me," he said. Another thunderclap, another jump. He squeezed my hands more. "Look at me," he repeated. I looked him in the eye. "Everything's gonna be alright," he said slowly. "You know what? I'll tell you something, that very few people know about me. And most of them might be dead already."
"What?" I asked, my voice shaking.
"I was a teacher, before all of this," I looked at him again.
"What? Are you serious?" I asked. I started to laugh. "What did you teach?"
"I was a gym teacher," he said with an impish smile like he was partly proud of himself and partly ashamed.
"That explains a lot," I said, still laughing.
"Right. Laugh, go on," he said smiling.
"I was terrible at sports. If you were my teacher, I would fail for sure."
"That depends on what you're willing to do to succeed."
"Is this another pervert joke?" I asked.
"Interpret as you wish," he winked at me. He still had that huge smile on his face.
"What luck that you chose a bat for a weapon, not a basketball or something like that."
He smiled.
"Don't mock me like that, what were you doing before this? Let me guess, you were a secretary."
"How did you know?"
"You don't know shit and you cook very well," he said smiling.
"Hey! I know shit! I can defend myself!"
"Except from the thunder."
Another thunderclap, another jump. I got closer to the iron bars... and Negan. I just noticed how tall he was. I looked up at him, he looked me in the eye. Suddenly, he hugged me through the iron bars.
"You know... I'm kind of lonely. And not in a sexual context. I really meant that I consider you as my friend."
"I know," another thunderclap, I buried my face into his chest. "Sorry, I'm really scared."
"No problem," he said. He started to stroke my back. It felt good. I breathed slower.
"I will be your friend. I don't have many anyway. Just Carol, but she is busy."
"Really? Then what are you doing when you are not here?"
"I'm... gardening."
"Wow. We suck."
"Yeah," I laughed.
I started to feel awkward hugging Negan. I pulled away.
"This storm doesn't really want to go away. Do you want to sleep?" he asked.
"I wouldn't dare to sleep. Not after I'm having those nightmares."
I think I saw guilt in his eyes. But he didn't say a word, just nodded.
My eyes drifted to his hands. Those hands killed Abraham, Glenn, and so many other people. How could it feel so good to hold his hands while I know what they did? I took a step back I didn't dare to look him in the eye again. I went to the wall and sat down.
He turned his back on me, his hands in his pocket. Like he knew what I was thinking. He looked at the ceiling, then out through the window.
"Are you feeling better?" he asked with his back towards me, didn't even look at me.
It's strange, but he managed to calm me down.
"Yes."
I sat near the iron bars. Maybe he thinks I regretted hugging him. I closed my eyes. Maybe I should really try to sleep.
I was exhausted, because of the panic attack. In a couple of minutes, I fell asleep...
...
(Author's Notes: One more song! :D It's optional to listen, though, I just love pairing songs with situations. Listen to "Thinking of you" by Katy Perry. Interpret as you wish. :D <3)