I am nine and a half weeks pregnant right now. I still get morning sickness, have an extremely weak stomach, sore boobs, bloating, horrible cramps and I am immensely fatigued all the time. I barely ever took daily naps as I always had so much energy, but now I nap it one or two times throughout the day.
My baby is currently the size of a cherry which is actually double the size he or she was last week. It is funny that I am using fruit to understand the size of the baby but it made me buy cherries at the Grocer yesterday. I picked one up in my hand and was staring at it for a good ten minutes in awe of that's how small my baby is inside of me.
Currently I am sat in a pastel pink chair which is a few shades darker than my robe that I got given on set. It is almost as if they set this up intentionally. I have rollers in my hair and Claire is doing my makeup. We're preparing to shoot my music video for my song.
This is a very aesthetic set up now and it is a perfect opportunity to take some photos for Instagram. It will be my first picture since my little Instagram hiatus. "Heather" I call out to my manager as she is in the middle of yelling at somebody.
She turns around to face me with an angst expression on her face. "What is it?"
"Can you please take a photo of me sitting here like this?"
She nods and holds her hand out as she walks over to me. "Phone?"
"I don't have it. Sylvia is holding it for me."
Heather nods and exits the room to go find Sylvia.
Memories flow through my mind like flicking through a picture book of the last time I was filming a music video at Universal Studios. It is nearing two years ago. Ed, Harry and Ed's friend Mark came to visit me on set.
I glance over at the fridge in the mini bar that they have prepared for me. I didn't eat any of it last time so I gave it to Harry. His eyes lit up when he seen the mandarin and he was throwing it up in the air and catching it. They also gave me a salad without cutlery so Harry was eating it with his hands. That was a good day.
"You ready?" Heather asks me as she returns to the room with my phone. I nod my head and position myself so that I am ready for the photo. Claire steps out of the frame momentarily but I pull her back in.
"It's okay, stay in it babe. Well, that is if you don't mind being in my photo. It adds to the effectiveness of the photo."
Claire turns her back to the camera and holds a lipstick brush on my bottom lip as if she is doing my lipstick. She just finished with the lipstick but for the effect of the photo, we are still pretending she is. "How's this?" She asks me.
"It's great." I mumble because of the brush on my lip.
"I better get a tag on Instagram."
My laughter is held in because otherwise my lipstick will smudge down my chin. I look up at her and wink, she laughs back at me.
Heather snaps a few photos and then shows me. "I love them. Thanks guys" I thank both Heather and Claire. Heather puts my phone in the pocket of her trousers and goes back to bossing around the crew.
After my makeup it is time to
"I don't know if letting you go back home was the best idea." Heather says as she zips up my jumpsuit.
"Why is that?"
"Because look at all the weight you have gained. Your boobs are spilling out of this and your ass looks like you've eaten too many donuts."
Now I have to try really hard not to laugh. "I have started back at the gym" I lie. I've just been doing cardio and light exercises because I don't want to do anything intense as I don't want to hurt the baby. Rachel told me it is fine, I won't hurt the baby because it is still so tiny but I am not taking any risks. If anything were to happen to this baby I would never forgive myself.
My ass is nothing compared to a Kardashian's, it has grown though. The biggest difference is my boobs because I have gone from a C cup to DD's.
"Well, you are going to have to start going twice a day to get back down to your normal weight before the Room of Rock red carpet at the end of the month. I already sent your measurements in months ago and your dress is being made as we speak."
I sigh. "It's fine Heather. I'm sure it will fit."
Hopefully the dress isn't too tight. I know it is a white floor length dress but I have trusted Heather with the rest because she has a great sense of fashion and I always love the outfits she chooses for me. If this dress is tight and a slim fit, then I am going to be in trouble. I can always just play it off and say I had a big lunch. People would believe that. After all, I'm still not showing in my stomach. It just looks slightly bloated.
*
"I see you walking, through the rain. And I see the water covering your teardrops, on your face." I sing along to the lyrics.
The funny thing is, in music videos your song gets played extremely slow and you slowly move your mouth as you mime the lyrics to the song. Then when they put the song together with the music video, it isn't as obvious that you are miming it even though most people know you are.
Actually, there was this one time where my song got played in fast motion and it was a workout within itself just trying to keep up with it. So, that is why I much rather slow.
"And I know that I broke all your rules
Oh, now you're looking at me, and I'm looking at you like a fool
But, you don't know what it feels like to fall in love with you.
No, you don't know what it's like when you can't go back
'Cause I only lose my mind when I ain't got you
And how can I not win when I'm always bound to lose.
No, when I ain't got you
No, no, no, I ain't got you."
I continue walking around 'my bedroom' in the set that Universal created for me. I walk up the the window, look at the picture frame on my desk and then I walk towards the camera, ready to move onto the next set where the following chorus will be filmed.
Dylan cuts the camera and calls out for me to stop.
"'Cause I only lose my mind when I ain't got you. And how can I not win when I'm always bound to lose?" I sing the lyrics to myself as I walk towards him. "Everything go alright?" I ask him.
"Too much white light when you walked up to that window. It is fake but there is still sunlight coming through it. We need to shoot again."
I nod and then walk back into position. Okay, here we go. Take two.
*
After a long day on set, I am finally back in my hotel room. To my surprise, Harry is in fact back in LA right now. I seen pictures of him on a One Direction update account that I follow. There's only a handful of shows left of the Where We Are tour before it ends next week.
I'm going to call Harry and ask him to meet with me tomorrow. I have put this off for long enough. I just hope that he's free, seeing as he is such a busy person. Whenever he can fit me into his schedule, I will meet with him.
Dialling his number, I lean back against the headboard of the bed as I wait for the phone to ring through but instead the same message pops up as it did the other day.
Once again, he's screening my calls.
Well, I can't get onto Harry so I will call my second favourite member of One Direction.
"Hello Hailey Hayes."
I smile when I hear his voice. "Hi Zayn Malik."
"I was hoping I would hear from you because I found out you were in LA and I would be utterly disappointed if we missed out on a chance to hang out. I haven't seen you since the party."
He always knows how to make me laugh. "I would love to hang out. How has everything been?"
"Not the best. I'm currently not speaking to Harry and Liam."
I move forwards from the headboard and instead rest my elbow on my knee as I sit cross legged. My mother would be so disappointed with my poor posture right now.
"What happened?"
"We were discussing the set list and came to some disagreements. I seem to be butting heads with everyone in the band lately. And don't get me started on management."
Zayn has every right to be upset with management. I feel really sorry for him. He writes so many songs and they all get rejected. I understand that one direction has an 'image' so that their music is appropriate for a younger audience but they're growing boys and their music is definitely maturing.
As the years go by they have more control over what they write but 97% of the things Zayn writes gets rejected. So he has had a hard time dealing with that.
"I'm so sorry Z. They still won't use your songs for the album?"
"It's come to a point where they silence me in meetings or ask me not to attend. Hailey, I am starting to get those thoughts about leaving again."
A striking pain rushes through my heart. "Zayn... Please don't do that. You have been doing so well lately. Just think, you all made it together and if you left things would never be the same."
"Yes they would. I don't have any input."
"Who the hell would sing all those high notes?" He doesn't answer. "My point exactly."
He lets out a sigh. "Let's talk about something uplifting, like us catching up tomorrow?"
I smile. "Sounds good to me. How does late lunch/dinner work for you?"
"Hmm..." Zayn is silent for a moment. "Perfectly."
After speaking with Zayn, I run a bath and put a face mask on. I look down at my stomach which still hasn't formed into much of a bump. I call it more of a bloat. I push out my stomach and it barely gets any bigger. I'm sure it will very soon though.
I close my eyes and relax, enjoying the peacefulness. I almost slip beneath the water when my phone rings. I was super relaxed for those few minutes.
I see Harry's number pop up and immediately answer.
"Hey" I say but I get no response. "Hello?" No response. The line is silent. "Harry, can you hear me?" The line drops dead.
Hoping he will answer this time, I return his call. I wonder why I couldn't hear him.
"Hello?"
"Hey Harry, it's me."
"Hi me." He sounds like he is in a good mood. "I'm joking. How are you Hailey? Alright?"
I nod my head as I answer his question. "Yeah, pretty good. Yourself?"
"I'm well. Actually in the gym right now so if the line cuts out again you know why."
Ah, that explains it. I'm just going to cut straight to the point in case the call drops dead or he hangs up on me or blocks my number. "Are you free to meet up sometime tomorrow?"
The sooner the better because I would like to fly back home to Australia as soon as I can. The only reason why I am not on a flight back home right now is because of Harry, and now because I am catching up with Zayn. I'm glad I get to see him.
"Uh-" he is silent and I know he is surprised that I asked that. It definitely caught him off guard. Harry coughs uncomfortably. "Tomorrow? I can't Hailey."
"Okay. When are you free next?"
"Why do we need to meet up, is everything okay?"
"I have something I need to speak to you about and it is best if I tell you in person."
"Why can't you tell me right now on the phone?"
"Because, it is not something that you should tell someone on the phone."
"Are you sure you aren't sick or anything? You don't seem yourself." Well, that is because I am not completely myself anymore. However, it is for the better.
"Look Harry, if you want to meet me - or not, I will be at Craig's at 12pm tomorrow." I will be having brunch with Heather earlier.
"Hailey, I can't."
Why can't he? Is it because he is genuinely busy or he doesn't want to see me?
I truly understand if he doesn't want to see me because I agree, it will be really hard and we sort of came to the agreement that we would stay away from each other but this is really important and I really hope he comes. I'm not confident that he will though.
"That's fine. I'll let you get back to your workout. I really hope to see you tomorrow Harry."
"Bye Hailey." He ends the call and I let out a deep breath. Well, that is the first step down. Now onto the next step, telling him about the baby.