It's been about three hours since I found out that I am pregnant and I am so happy to have this little bundle of joy inside of me but all I have been thinking about is Harry.
What's new, lol.
I'm scared to tell him because it'll ruin everything for him. He never wanted this so soon. But he deserves to know the truth. I grab my phone and go into the contacts app. I scroll until I see Harry's name, he used to be in my favourites list but I had to remove him from it as I was tempted to call him so many times.
My finger hovers over the call button for a good thirty seconds as I try to talk myself into doing this. I'm not going to tell him over the phone, but I'm going to tell him that I want to see him. He's probably still mad at me and won't want to see me but I'll find a way to get through to him.
I can't do this tonight. I've only just found out the news myself. I'll do it tomorrow. I lock my phone and throw it on the other side of the bed.
Rachel left an hour ago to go home to her fiancé and kids. I've been in my room ever since. There's a knock at my bedroom door. "Hailey." It's my mum. "Can I come in?"
I'm still angry at her but she's my mum and whether she likes it or not she's going to find out the truth that I am pregnant.
"Come in."
She opens the door and stands beneath the door frame.
"Sorry to further disappoint you, but I thought I would let you know that I am pregnant. If you think I'm lying then you can look at these." I point to the pregnancy tests lined up on my bedside table.
She walks inside the room and stands over the bedside table, looking down at the tests. She smiles and then looks at me. "I'm sorry about everything I said before. That wasn't fair on you. I still feel the same way but I am your mother and I am going to support you throughout this journey. Congratulations my daughter." She hugs me and I hug her back.
"Thanks."
"I know you're upset with me and I understand. But please know that I mean it when I say if you need anything I am here for you."
I nod. "Okay."
She smiles at me before reaching for the door handle. "Can you please tell dad to come here? I want to tell him.
She nods. "Will do."
"Thank you."
A couple of minutes later, my dad opens my door and comes in to sit on my bed. "Hey kiddo, how you feeling? Still got that horrible bug?"
"Well, it turns out it wasn't a stomach bug." I nudge my head to the side in the direction of my bedside table.
"What?" My dad follows my gaze and looks at where the pregnancy tests are. He gasps as he stands up to have a closer look. "Double lines means..."
"Positive" I smile and nod at him. He puts his arms around me and hugs me. "You're going to be a grandpa for a third time."
"Oh congratulations Hailey. You have always had the maternal instinct. Even with Tori and Tyde, you're great with them."
"Thanks dad. You definitely took the news better than mum."
"Of course I'm not thrilled that you are only twenty and are pregnant. You still have so much of your life to live. And your career has only just started. But if anyone is capable of doing this it is you and I don't doubt you for a single second. This little boy or girl is so lucky to have you. You hear that little one, your mummy loves you so much and I cannot wait to meet you" he places his hand on my stomach.
A tear slips down my cheek because it is so cute my dad already interacting with my baby. "Thanks dad, I love you."
"I love you too. Does Harry know?"
I shake my head. "It's not fair on him to tell him over the phone. I need a couple of days to get my head around this myself and then I'll call him to figure something out. I should go and tell him, right?"
He shrugs. "You know him better than anyone else so that is your call. How do you think he will react?"
"He will be shocked that's for sure. He told me he didn't want to have kids until his thirties because he knows he is away a lot on tour and he doesn't want to be away from them. But the baby is already on the way and I think it will take a while for him to process it but Harry is a great guy and he will want to be apart of the baby's life."
"You'll sort it out kiddo. Just look after yourself. The baby feels everything you do."
I nod. "Yeah, this baby is my number one priority now. Everything else comes after."
He pats the top of my head. "That's good to hear."
I stand up and walk into the bathroom. I stand in front of the mirror and pull my shirt up. My stomach looks slightly bloated but I am 90% sure it's from the food I've eaten. Other than that it is still flat and not noticeable at all.
Tomorrow I will go to the doctors to confirm the pregnancy and find out how far along I am. I get my phone from my bed and walk back into the bathroom. I pull my shirt up again and take a side on picture of my body. I'm going to do weekly photos like this to see how much my stomach grows each week.
This is going to be a very big nine months ahead. Nine months that will change my life forever.
*
It took me four days to go to the doctors and book in for an ultrasound. I went to Melbourne for work and flew straight back home after that. Today I am getting an ultrasound. Because I want to keep this pregnancy hush hush for now, I will only go to Dr Nelson who is a close family friend.
He is one of the best doctors in town and is always busy so the earliest he could fit me in is today. I'm lying on the ultrasound table and he is putting the gel on my stomach. I've had an ultrasound before when I was getting my stomach checked for ovarian cysts so the process is basically the same as that.
The cold green coloured gel that is so light in colour that it is almost clear is cold and still had the same scent as I remember. Mint.
"I'll keep the results close to me and I'll run the x rays. I'll process the results and keep the scan images in my files."
"Thank you, I really appreciate you doing this for me."
"You were always like a daughter to me Hailey. Ryan always cared deeply for you and I know that your parents would do the same for him. I understand how hard it must be for you, everyone wanting to know your business."
"Yeah, if news got out then rumours would start. Only this time the rumour would be true."
He places the device on my stomach and moves it around. At first I only see a blank screen but then Dr Nelson zooms in and that's when a tiny heart beat can be heard.
I gasp as I hear the sound of the strong, beating heart. I look up at Dr Nelson and he is smiling at me. "Congratulations Hailey. You are pregnant. Five weeks and around three to four days I'd say."
"Thank you" I can't wipe the smile off my face and my cheeks are starting to hurt. The tests proved to me that I was pregnant but just hearing professional confirmation from a doctor is even more ensuring.
I'm 100% pregnant.
Dr Nelson zooms in closer and I can see a tiny little dot. "Is that my baby?" I ask him and he nods. It is so tiny. If Dr Nelson didn't zoom in and point to it, I probably wouldn't have even seen it.
"It sure is." He snapshots a photo and then a machine growls. I wasn't expecting it so I jump and Dr Nelson laughs at me. "Sorry, that the printer printing out your scan pictures."
"Thank you so much." I say as he hands me the photos. I stare at my baby in the image. He or she is so tiny. I can't wait to watch them grow. "Wait, can I ask a question?"
"Go ahead."
"This means I'm not having twins or anything? Just one baby?"
"We won't know that until around 8-10 weeks. Come back in four or five weeks time and I'll let you know."
I thank him over and over again then say my goodbyes. Gosh, one baby is a shock but imagine if I am having twins. I've always thought it'd be cool to have twins. I would dress them in matching outfits. Even if it was a boy and a girl I'd get them boy versions and girl versions of the outfit.
*
When I arrive home, my mum is still at work and my dad is watching tv.
"How did it go?" He asks me. I retrieve the ultrasound images from my bag.
I show him the photos. "This is my baby."
Dad takes the photos and looks at them. "Oh my. It's so small."
"I know right."
"It won't be for long though."
We both laugh.
"Dad" I break his attention away from the photo. I love watching my dad admire the photo. It really warms my heart and I just wish Harry was here to see his baby too. When my dad looks at me I swallow before speaking. "I'm ready to speak to Harry. I'm going to call him now."
"Good luck kiddo" he hands me back the images. I thank my dad and walk up to my room. I take a few breaths in and out as I don't want to make the baby feel all my stress. I have to try to be as calm as possible. It's really hard though.
I hit the call button to ring Harry and after each sound of the ringing sound, I contemplate hanging up. But I don't.
The call goes to his voicemail so I end the call and try calling him again. This time it goes to voicemail a lot quicker.
He's declining my calls.
Jesus Harry. I try to call for a third time but again no answer. Oh my goodness Styles I am calling you because this is important.
I wait ten minutes and then try to ring him again. Once again, voicemail so this time I leave a message.
"Harry, it's me. I'm calling you because I need to speak to you. It's important. Please call me back when you can."
I put my phone down beside me. Harry changes his number every six months. The last time he changed it was four months ago so I am sure he is just avoiding me and doesn't actually have a new number. I place my phone on charge and decide to have a shower. I need to wash my hair too.
After my shower I have a missed call and I get excited thinking it's from Harry but it's from Heather. I need to tell her the news too but I need to tell Harry first. No one else can find out. Harry needs to be the next one otherwise everyone will be finding out before him.
So far only myself, Dr Nelson, mum, dad, Rachel and Aaron know. That's six of us. If the news gets out then one of them are to blame.
I call Heather back.
"Hello, hello. I haven't spoken to you in three days. Have you missed me?"
"I have missed the sound of your voice like you wouldn't believe."
She laughs. "Well, I have some good news for you but I need your approval first. Your latest single is being released on Friday and Universal has offered their set for you to film the music video in two weeks time."
"Uh" I scratch my head. If I wasn't pregnant then I would have said yes straight away. But now I have to double think about everything. Usually Heather is the one that I get to help me decide these things because she knows everything about me. But with this new news, I can't exactly ask Heather about it.
"It's a simple yes or no. Are you ready to get back into work Hailey?"
"I'll do it but only book me in for things related to the new single. Nothing else because I'm still feeling fragile."
"Your request is my command. I'll email you with more details. How have you been anyway?"
"I'm good."
After finding out the news about the baby I am not upset and angry 99% of the time. I am smiling and happy. Well, smiling and happy until I throw up. This morning sickness isn't morning sickness at all. It is literally all day sickness.
Apart from that, I'm still broken hearted because of Harry but slowly I am getting better. I'm not alone anymore. I have this baby.
"That's good. Speak to you soon. Bye Hailey."
"See you, Heather."
I try and call Harry again, hoping he would have heard my voicemail by now.
"Hi, it's Harry. Sorry I can't take your call right now-"
I end the call and throw my phone onto the bed.
"Fucking hell Harry. You're making this even harder on me.