I ignore the cold sensation from the gel on my stomach and await the noise that has become my favourite sound. The sound of my child's gentle heartbeat.
"He/she is moving around a lot." Dr Avery tells me.
"Oh I know. I can definitely feel it." I laugh.
"You still don't want to know the gender?" She asks and I shake my head.
"Then perhaps you should look away for a second whilst I look around at a particular area." I do as she says and look away. "Okay, you can look again."
"Everything still good?" I ask her, hoping the answer is affirmative.
She smiles "perfect. Although maybe the baby is moving around a lot more because of your stress and I know it's hard to ask you this but could you try to not stress. Or stress less. For the baby's sake. Find something that calms you down and keeps you sane and focus on that. It will help. Believe me."
"Thanks Avery, I'll try."
"Good girl. That's your 20 week checkup done. I'll see you in two weeks. Well, I'll see you before that as you are at this hospital just as much as I am. But for the checkup is what I mean."
I smile and nod.
"Thanks again. I'll see you soon."
After my checkup I fix myself up to look somewhat presentable. I catch the elevator to Rachel's floor and then pay her a visit.
Aaron is in the room. Tori is at school and Tyde is at Aaron's mums place. During the weekdays, when Aaron isn't working, he is right here by Rachel's side. He is still working because it helps him keep his mind off things for a short while.
"Hey" I say to him as I shut the door behind me.
"How'd the checkup go?" He stands and gives me his seat and then goes to get the other one.
I thank him as I sit down on the chair. "It went well. I have to try to reduce my stress because the baby has been moving around a lot recently and it could be because of the stress."
"Maybe you shouldn't visit as much. I can fill you in on how she's doing. You just need to focus on yourself Hay."
"I know and I think you're right. But I still really want to keep seeing her so maybe I'll reduce the visits to every second day for now."
"Hailey" he says in a warning tone. "I will keep you posted. You know that" he half laughs.
I smile at him "I know you will but you know what I'm like. Dr Avery said I should focus on something that keeps me calm and sane to reduce the stress."
"And what is that? What is something you love so much that'll block out your stress?"
"The kids." I love them to death.
"I know you do love them but you can't tell me that bathing those kids and putting them to bed doesn't make you run around like a headless chicken. Not to mention how restless Tyde can be now that he is on formula instead of the boob."
I start laughing as he is right. "Okay, good point."
"You're laughing and smiling a lot more today."
"Hearing my baby's heartbeat does that. You'd know the feeling."
"Yes, but I mean for another reason other than that. Maybe even the thing that you love so much that it'll keep you calm."
I look at him with my eyes squinted together as I know what he's trying to say.
"I can't."
"Hailey. Harry is a good guy. I know he doesn't want kids yet, but because he is such a good person I really think you two will make this work."
"You don't know how focused he is on his career Aaron. I feel like dropping this bomb on him could ruin his career."
Zayn already wants to quit the band. Harry would probably stop everything so that he can give our baby his whole heart and time. That's two members who want out. One Direction could potentially end.
Not to mention how angry Harry was about me keeping Zayn's secret from him. Imagine how mad he will be for keeping this from him. It is all my fault, I should have told Anne to pass the message along to him but I want to be the one to tell him myself.
I could put the blame on him and say I tried to tell him that night but he kept saying "lalalala" to block me out. But he wanted nothing to do with me and I was mad that he wouldn't listen to me so I left and kept the pregnancy to myself.
Aaron shakes his head "I think you're wrong Hailey. When are you going to tell him exactly?"
"I'm still trying to figure that out myself."
"Well whatever you do I'll always be here to support you." He looks at Rachel. "We both will." Aaron then looks at his watch. "Where'd the day go. I've got to pick Tyde up from my mums as she is going out."
"I can do it. Is my mum still getting Tori?"
"Yeah she is and taking her to ballet but I've got to start cooking dinner anyway."
"I told Tori she could feel the baby so I can go take care of them if you want? I can also bathe them and put them to bed." We both laugh as we remember our earlier topic. "You be here with your fiancé."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm as positive as my pregnancy tests." I hug him before standing up and putting my chair to the side. "Bye Aaron. I'll see you later."
"You're fantastic. Bye Hay. I owe you."
*
I picked Tyde up from Aaron's mother's house and took him for a walk in his stroller by the beach. On the way home I stopped by the grocery store. I got chicken, crumb and potatoes as I decided to make Tori chicken schnitzel and potato chips for dinner.
When dinner is just about finished, Tori and my mum walk through the door.
"Oh Hailey, my heart almost jumped out of my chest. I thought you were Rachel. from behind."
"Sorry, it's just me. How have you been?"
"I'm worried about Aaron so I'm glad you are stepping in to help. He really needs that. The kids love you too. Tori has not stopped talking about you."
"The feelings are mutual. You staying for dinner?"
She shakes her head. "I've got to be going back to cook for your dad but I will see you at home. You all good here?"
"I am."
Mum left and I finished dinner whilst Tori told me all about her ballet class. After dinner I bathed the kids and put on spongebob for them to watch before bed.
Tyde was content on the floor watching the tv so I took this opportunity whilst the baby was playing a game of soccer inside my stomach to ask Tori if she wants to feel the baby kick.
She got so excited and I lifted my shirt and she placed her little hand on my tummy.
"Your hands are cold girlfriend" I say to her and she laughs.
"I had them on my water" she nods towards her cup then starts getting excited and bopping around. "I can feel it. I can feel it."
"Sweetie, sit still so you don't hurt the baby. Baby knows your hand is there. Can you feel it kicking more?"
"I can. It's hard, does it hurt you Aunty Hailey?"
"It doesn't hurt but it can get uncomfortable when I want to sleep."
"Did I kick mummy's tummy?"
"You did. I remember feeling her tummy like you're feeling mine now."
"And when I'm having a baby I'm going to say to your baby that I remember feeling her."
"Her?" I smile.
"I think it's a girl. Do you know if it's a boy or girl."
"I wanted to wait until the baby is born to see."
"Mummy told me not to ask anymore questions about the baby, but I have more questions."
"Yes?"
"You're the babies mummy. I have a mummy and a daddy. Who is the babies daddy?" She keeps her hand on my stomach as she feels the baby kick.
As much as I want to tell her, I just can't. "The baby can sometimes have a mummy without a daddy." I feel awful not telling her.
"So baby won't have a daddy?"
"Can you please do Aunty Hailey a big favour and clean up your toys? I'll go call your dad on FaceTime so you can say goodnight to him." I stand up and walk to the kitchen where my phone is.
*
A few hours later Aaron walks through the door but he isn't alone. Beside him is Harry.
They must both know what I'm thinking by the look on my face.
Aaron is the first to speak.
"Before you freak out, I called him. Remember our chat today? He will be good to help you with that stress. I said I owe you and here is me filling that debt. Speak to him. You'll thank me later."
My eyes then divert to Harry who is standing beside Aaron with his hands behind his back and head slightly leaning forward. "Hi."
"Hey."
Harry walks around in a circle. "This place looks different. What have you done?" He continues analysing the place. "Ah, I know." Harry runs his hand along the wall. "You've gone darker."
"We painted the gym neon green and Rach thought it would be a good idea to use the remainder of the paint in here. She thought it would brighten up the place." Aaron tells him.
"Yeah, I am a fan of neon but even I agree that it looked awful."
Aaron laughs. "Rach and I got into a massive argument because she liked it. I went to Bunnings the next day and the wall was fixed by the time she was home from picking the kids up."
Harry smiles. "Good old Rach and her experiments." He then looks over at me. "Got time for a chat?"
Aaron walks over to me and practically pushes me out the door.
"Of course she does. She's not doing anything right now."
Harry and I walk out to my car and I feel him staring at me.
"Do I have something on my face?" I wipe my cheek. "Oh gosh, Tori did get tomato sauce on me didn't she?"
Harry shakes his head. "You don't have any food on your face. But may I ask, why are you wearing makeup? What did you do today?"
"I was at the hospital and then here with the kids. I'm not wearing makeup."
He takes a closer look at my face. "Were you in the sun today? You look sunkissed. You have that glow to you. You know, after you get sunburnt."
I used to think pregnancy glow was a myth but so many people have been telling me how great my skin looks.
"Maybe I got a little sunburnt."
I wear spf everyday as it's in my moisturiser but I'd rather hear one of his sun safety lectures than make the lie worse.
"Hailey, what have I told you about how important it is to wear sunscreen. Especially in the Australian sun. The most dangerous times of the day are 10-2 and-"
I laugh to myself and just keep nodding my head as we get to the car.
Both of us close our doors and I put my belongings in the back seat. I look over at him as he begins speaking.
"Aaron said to me you've been stressing out because of Rachel - which is completely understandable by the way. And he said that one of the doctors checked up on you and told you that the stress isn't good for your health and that you should focus on something that can eliminate some of that stress. I can help take your mind off things, Hailey. Even if we aren't together, I don't care. I am here for you."
"Aaron told you all that did he?" That was a smart way of twisting around the truth. "Thanks Harry but I don't want to bombard you with all my problems."
"Stop that Hailey. I don't care what is bothering you, just tell me. Get everything off your chest. I'm a tough guy, I can handle it. And yes, that's what he told me."
Fine, do you think you can handle this? I'm pregnant with your child. A child you never wanted to have.
"Let's not talk about me for once. Let's talk about you. How's the post tour life?"
Harry starts laughing. "Don't you do that. You always do that. Don't change the topic to someone else, talk about yourself."
The only way I used to get out of talking about something I didn't want to was to lean in and start kissing him and then of course kissing lead to something else but that isn't exactly appropriate right now.
So I'm going to try and flirt my way out of this. That's totally harmless right? "This jumper looks good on you. Is it new?" I lean forwards and run my hand along his collar.
He smirks and looks down at my hand on his chest. I remove my hand and look up at him innocently.
"What?"
"I know what you're doing and it's not going to work. Talk."
I let out a deep sigh. "Seriously Styles?"
"Seriously."
I fill him in on the accident and the pure shock I was in. I was upset because Beth had died and my sister was in critical condition. I told him how at first I wasn't crying because it didn't feel real I was just in shock and after two days it set in that she was in a coma. That's when I got more upset, especially when seeing her kids and when they would ask about their mum. Harry told me how good I am with those kids and he opened his mouth to say something else but then stopped himself.
"Do you feel better?" He asks.
"What do you mean?"
"Do you feel better now that you've spoken about it."
I nod "yeah, I actually do a bit."
He smiles widely, showing his perfect teeth "good, then my job here is done. You can drive me home now."
I know he's only kidding. "Nice try, your turn to talk."
"I love this dressing gown on you. I know you always used to wear this before going to bed because I would always enjoy peeling it off- never mind. I'm not as good at this distracting thing as you" he runs his hand down the left side of the dressing gown and when his hand gets to my boob area I have to take his hand away before he moves it any lower and feels my bump.
Good thing I brought my pyjamas and thick dressing gown here with me. Imagine if Aaron came home with Harry when Tori was feeling my bump. That'd be a sight for him to see.
"Exactly. Now tell me all about this tour life that you first left me for." I wiggle my eyebrows and he parts his lips slightly. "I'm joking Haz, calm down."
"I really enjoy seeing different parts of the world, the different lifestyles people live and cultures they inhibit. It's amazing to see so many people all around the world who support the band, each crowd is vastly different personality wise, yet all show us the same amount of love. I never get sick of that feeling that rushes through my body when I walk into the stage and then when I take my final bow. But I do miss home. I miss it the most when I'm tired and just want to be in my bed and sleep. I miss it when I'm feeling poorly and when I speak to my mum on the phone. I miss a lot of things. So it has been really great recently. I spent some time with mum and the family over Christmas. I plan to go back to LA for a few weeks next week and then I'm back here in Sydney ready to go on the road again."
I wonder if he misses me. Grow some balls and ask him Hailey.
"Do you miss your friends, do you miss me?"
"Abso-fucking-lutely." He laughs. "I can't believe you are even asking me that when you know the answer. I miss you a lot Hails. I miss us, but I couldn't give you what you wanted and look at everything that has happened. We obviously weren't meant to be."
"Are you still seeing Paige?" I pray that the answer is no.
"No."
I'm silent for a moment and I hear him laughing again.
"Please don't ask me that question." He hits the dashboard of the car like a drum kit. "But I know it's coming so go on, whatever. Make it quick."
He is cringing so hard.
"Have you slept with anyone else?"
"Yes."
Ouch. I knew he would have slept with other girls and he has every right to. It just hurts to hear it and I want to hit myself over the head as images of Harry and other girls wander into my mind. Now it is me who is cringing hard.
"Okay." I look away from him and out the windscreen.
"I don't love any of them Hailey. No one was ever more than a one night stand."
"It's fine Harry. You're allowed to do whatever and whoever you want."
"If I tell you something do you promise me you won't laugh at me or judge me."
"You know I can't promise that but I'll try." I press my lips together as I try not to laugh already.
"There was this one girl, I don't know her name but I think she hates me now because half way through - yeah you get what I'm saying - I called her Hail's and she slapped me and left."
If the topic wasn't Harry having sex with some other girl then I would've laughed but because I hate the fact that other women got to be with him in the most intimate way possible, I don't laugh.
"What were you doing thinking of me?"
"When was I not thinking of you? The only reason why I fucked so many girls was to try and get over you."
"Did it work?"
"Hell no. Every time they'd kiss me or touch me it wasn't right. It wasn't what I liked. It wasn't the way that you kissed me or touched me." He takes my hand in his and squeezes it. "This feeling right here. I feel so many more emotions right now just by touching your hand than I did with their mouth around my dick."
Am I supposed to take that as a complement? I was taking it that way until he said the last four words.
"This is why I needed to build that brick wall." I take my hand out of his and put it on my lap. "Because just by one small conversation, I'm already back falling head over heels."
"I feel like I've knocked down a few of those bricks tonight. The wall is slowly coming down and my goal is to knock it down completely if you will let me."
I shake my head and try to hide my smile. "Harry, I kept a huge secret from you and you said you needed time away from me. I really appreciate you coming here for Beth and Rachel but don't feel you need to stay here for me out of sympathy."
"I'm not. I'm here because I love you."
I stare at him and try not to cry because it makes me so happy hearing him say that.
"I love you too."
He places his hand on my cheek and brushes it with his thumb. "I want to kiss you so bad right now. It's taking every ounce of strength in my body not to."
I would love nothing more than for him to kiss me. But I don't deserve to have the air inside my body pulled from me because of his incredible kiss. I don't deserve him when I have kept too many things from him.
I pull away from him and look out the front windscreen of the car.
"I'm sorry Hailey. Look, we don't have to dateor any of that but I just want to be able to hang out with you again. As friends like we always were."
"So you just want be friends who fuck occasionally like when we first started having feelings for each other?"
He grins to himself. "We did more than fuck occasionally."
I cover my face with my hands. Oh boy, he's right.
"But yeah. Than was all before you brainwashed me into becoming your boyfriend."
"Hey, I did no such thing."
We both laugh until my smile fades and I get serious again.
Before I can say anything he grabs ahold of both of my hands.
"Give me three days to show you how cool I am to be around and then you can decide if you will let me be apart of your life again for the two weeks that I'm away. Then when I come back here to begin tour, you'll give me your answer."
The baby starts kicking in my stomach and I almost react to it but I manage to remain composed. "I already know how cool you are Harry. I have known you for nine years."
"You know what I mean."
"Fine. But I'm taking you home now."
"Okay." He nods. "God it's so weird being with you and not going home together. Like it feels like when we were first going out again."
"That seems like so long ago now."
"It does. We've both come so far since then."
"What are you doing tomorrow?" He asks me.
I shrug. "Nothing other than the usual visiting my sister and helping Aaron out with the kids."
"Okay. How does breakfast sound?"
I think to myself for a moment. "It sounds good."
"Perfect." He grins. "You're going to see me so much over these next few days that you're going to get sick of me."
I don't think I could ever get sick of you, Styles.
A/N: Do you think Hailey should tell Harry about the baby now or keep it to herself for a little longer until he gets back from LA?