Soul not Included

Final Chapter

It was only the third day before someone was allowed to check the house for us. Grace had gone to eat but Theo stayed with us while she did. He hadn't allowed anyone to come in yesterday. Or the day before. Not the Cullens, not our children, not our friends and not Bella.

But today was different. He knocked on the door to let us know someone was here for us and we reluctantly sat up from bed. Already feeling her emotions come up to meet us. We couldn't very well say no.

Sue entered. Her eyes puffy from crying the night before and possibly from every night since it happened. Her hair was brushed but not perfectly set as she usually liked it. She had just tossed on a top and bottom without caring how it looked. She wore her indoors sandals out, now she dirtied them and was tracking outside dirt everywhere.

"... Mari, sweetheart," she cried and ran to the bed. Her arms wrapped around us and held us close to her. The tears she probably never allowed others to see flowed easily in front of us. She pushed us back to get a better look at our face. We were still tired from the battle. The blood we sometimes threw up in sporadic intervals stained our lips. We were pale, dark purple bags under our sleep deprived eyes. We were bruised, still healing from all the injuries inflicted on our bodies by the barrier. It had taken physical form so our body wouldn't be so overwhelmed by loss of blood. We don't choose which repercussions get inflicted upon us but through this experience we have come to realize the way we suffer is closely equivalent to the saying 'God gives only what you can handle.' Which feels oddly reassuring and definitely infuriating. Centuries of our insides churning up blood until we felt one spit up away from death was not an experience we were ever grateful to feel.

The creator had a penchant for blood.

It beats burning from the inside out.

Or drowning.

Last time we had the pleasure of flesh decaying. The blood is a good thing.

Body aching at every gentle brush is even better, be grateful.

We are grateful.

...

Not.

Sue's face crumpled as she took us all in. Jacob must have told her we were there. We were expecting him to say eventually and if he didn't Seth would. There was no way in hell Seth would have continued to allow his mother to worry ceaselessly.

"I was so worried. No one knew where you went after or how you were doing."

We were beyond tired. So we didn't respond but we nodded and leaned onto her shoulder. She held us again. Her voice trembling as she said, "I'm so sorry."

As if anything was her fault. It wasn't.

She was sorry anyways. She was always sorry about something or another when something was too big for us to work through. Which is unfair for her. There was no need to be sorry. We did not want her to be sorry.

Charlie and Sue live happily ever after in the books. That was a sudden guilt driven thought that plagued us last night and refound us at this moment. But we didn't want to think of that right now or ever. It would be too much to bare. We just allowed Sue to comfort us and take her own comfort in that action before she, being the stronger one between us, got up and patted our leg, a signal that it was time for us to get up also.

The world doesn't stop just because our father died.

But it should.

"Take a shower. We'll go eat."

"..."

"Even if you're not hungry. The others are worried." Sue led us out of the room and we entered the bathroom to shower just like she wanted us to. From behind the door we heard her tell Theo that he could come too and his sister as well wherever she was.

There was a moment of confusion turning the world a shade of orange, as Theo opened the door to allow Sue to come in to assist us in the bath. He hadn't want to but Sue wasn't about to let a boy in to help. Theo was worried about Sue's response to the rest of our body but that was just something that we all would have to deal with it seems.

Her face, when the bruises only got darker and darker the more centralized it traveled on our body, we might have just appeared to her as a giant black hole  that was growing and growing. No matter what we said it wouldn't make a difference to her so we remained silent as she took us in. We were swollen and her touch worsened the pain.

"Mari, what is all this?" She asked with a gasp.

"Compartment syndrome, it will be fine."

"we need to go to the hospital! Mari, this isn't—"

"We cannot go. It will heal. In time."

Her face crumpled once again and she cried more tears.

She handed us clothes to dress in. Making sure not to pick anything closely related to Charlie. She didn't want us to wallow, us included her as well. We both had to be okay. Just for a few hours. At night, when we tuck ourselves in our rooms, she said it was fine for us to break but right now, when the morning has come and the world keeps going, we too had to keep going. We will go together. She will be our strength. We will be hers.

She opened the door to her car. Immediately we were wishing to step back home. We didn't want to go in. Too many bad things happened in vehicles in our lifetime. We would rather rid all automobiles from the world as a whole.

She sighed, "please. Be with me."

We shook our head and pressed ourselves against Theo who held a steady hand against our back. "We could take her," he said.

Sue looked between us and frowned. She really wanted us to go in. So we could be together.

"No, it's fine," we muttered.

We didn't wait for the car to begin moving before we pushed the seat back and immediately urged sleep to come. Theo joined in the back seat. He brushed his hand through our hair until we relaxed with the motion of his contact. 

But, even though we were trying to sleep it wasn't coming. We were on edge even if we knew nothing wrong would happen. Theo was there to protect us if it did. We tried to find comfort in that. We couldn't.

"You know who stopped by last week?" Sue asked. She waited but after a little moment she continued, "Angela Weber and her husband Ben Cheney," she inhaled deeply and nodded to herself. "I don't know many of your high school friends but Charlie told me a lot about your time in school. He really worried when you didn't want to attend high school again with your new friends. They asked about you. How you were. What you've been doing. They left a message, they said, whenever you want to talk, you can call them... recently, I got calls from Jessica Stanley, too. Sweet girl. Mike Newton. Erik Yorkie... your teacher also stopped by."

"News travelled far," Theo muttered. As it does whispered harshly under his breath. "Are you sure this is a good idea?"

Because he doesn't. Neither do we.

This wasn't surprising, we wanted to say. Charlie is loved by everyone. There was bound to be more gatherings eventually. For everyone in Forks. For those that knew him in the reservation. For those that didn't make it to the funeral.

Sue nodded. "Being surrounded by those that love you helps."

Theo rolled his eyes having much to say about that. Probably the same things we had to say about it. But we both just shared a look and kept our thoughts to ourselves. Sue was trying to be helpful by being positive. She was also in pain. She was also in mourning. We had to put in the effort for her just as much as she was putting in the effort for us.

"There's going to be poutine at our bonfire. I asked some friends of mine to prepare some. I know you love yourself some fries when you're upset... one of the only things I  could get you to gobble up without feeling sick. Does that sound good?"

We hummed a response.

"The boys wanted hot dogs again," Sue continued to ramble. Her feelings running around us. We knew she wasn't okay but we didn't want to see her pain declaring itself in front of our eyes. We whimpered at the intensity of it all filling the car until there was no room left to breath easy. Theo pressed his cold hand against our forehead.

Sue continued on not having heard over the engine running and herself talking. "Easiest and fastest thing to cook. Those boys just think with their stomachs. After several days of no proper food hot dogs just seem to be the last thing I want, you know."

"Mom, stop the car," we muttered. "Let Theo drive."

"No, I'm fine. It relaxes me."

"You're not relaxed."

"Renee called once she heard. She bought the soonest plane ticket. She's on her way will be here either tomorrow or the day after."

We gagged at the idea of meeting Renee again. Of course, we should have given her some thought. We should have given her a call before we laid to sleep. We forgot about her.

Bella will deal with her. We want no part in it. There's no reason for us to be a part of it.

"Has Bella been told," we asked suddenly. "About Renee coming."

"Not yet," Theo said. "We haven't really found time to talk to her."

"Make time," we said our voice muttered and barely audible. "Bella hasn't shown herself to Renee as a vampire. Hasn't seen her since she moved to Forks either."

"Oh," Theo muttered. "Well, I'm sure someone would have told her."

"Tell her again, just in case then."

Sue's worry rose. She turned on the radio and popped in her music. She wanted us to just sleep now as she realized she mentioned something she shouldn't have. She didn't mean to worry us more but she didn't want to be taken away from driving. It didn't relax her as she claimed but it was distracting her. We were both the type to keep busy when we wanted a distraction. She needed this drive. Just like she needed this gathering. Just like she needed our presence.

But we didn't want a distraction. We wanted to mourn, to wallow, to sink, to die.

To be alone.

Theo tapped our cheek to wake us when we arrived at Jacob's home. We stirred awake, a soft groan escaping us as we looked around. Sue had just shut the door heading out. We laid there for a moment and eyed Theo. He was uncomfortable being here. His eyes were staring out the window before moving down to us.

"You good?" He asked. We nodded. Not really but we'll be fine. "We're making a quick stop before the bonfire. Just to pick up some things and have some downtime. So says Sue."

"Okay."

"On your call," he said waiting for us to make the move to leave the car. We didn't want to do that now. Being trapped in here was bad but once we were out we'd have to face Billy. Billy was by the door. He eyed the car, waiting. His sympathies reached us from where he was. It would only feel stronger once we get closer.

We got out of the car feeling his eyes on us watching on like a predator watching its prey. We're sure he didn't mean to feel so intense yet there he was. As if we would vanish in a split second if he looked away. Sue held her smile as she saw us emerge. They both shared a small embrace before she made her way into his house.

We stayed by the car for a moment. Theo standing perfectly straight in front of us waiting for us to make a move. He looked towards Billy unsure if this was okay.

"Don't leave our side today," we said.

He nodded. "I'll be here."

"And Grace?"

"I called her. She's on her way back. She'll be here in half an hour."

"...we don't want to be here."

"I know," Theo murmured. "We have to go now. Billy is waiting for us."

We nodded as Theo handed us some of his personally made glasses. We put them on, grateful to have all the color in the world stop existing for a second and inhaled deeply. Finding any inner strength to drag our feet onward we held out our hand for Theo to hold. Childish, we know.

"Have you heard from Dorian?" We asked.

"I called him already," Theo answered allowing us to use him as our support. "He's going to wait. He says take your time."

We chuckled. "How mature of him."

"He had time to calm down. All things considered he handled himself well."

"Wow, praise from you. That means a lot."

Theo laughed. "I give praise where it's due... you're doing great, by the way."

We nodded. We didn't feel great.

We were one second from crying. We felt it. The lump in our throat and the sting in our eyes. We just wanted to be home. In bed. Not existing.

We got to the stairs and suddenly our feet felt like lead. We didn't want to get to Billy. We didn't know what to say. Theo wrapped his arm around our waist noticing we weren't walking anymore and lifted us up a little and walked up the steps himself.

"Hi, Billy," Theo greeted.

"Hello, Theodore, how are you?" Billy smiled and held his hand out to shake his. Theo took it taking it as a good sign. "Last time you were here, you were still human."

"I'm good, sir. My sister will be stopping by soon. Just thought to let you know so no wolves would mistake her for a storybook villain," Theo said ignoring the human comment as best he could.

Billy nodded. "You both are welcomed here. Hello, Marina."

We flinched. We hadn't heard that name in a while. We felt almost compelled to ask 'who the fuck is Marina?' We no longer cared to remember who that person was. She felt so far away and yet so cripplingly near. Memories of her resurfaced, the bad and the good and we didn't care for it at the moment. Too much things that had remained unsettled and we were now unable to fix it.

If we start walking down that path we won't ever be able to escape it.

"Hello, Billy," we said. "How are you?" We asked as formality sake but even without his physical cues the world helpfully provided his sorrow and regret quite loudly to us in our periphery. Billy and Charlie were on an iffy friendship after Charlie learned about wolves and vampires. They talked minimally but it wasn't the same as before... They never really fixed their friendship. Billy never got around to apologize about the lying properly. Charlie never got around to even feeling remotely close of accepting the would-be apology... they were both too busy trying to pretend that nothing had changed.

"I'm here, aren't I?" He chuckled. "Yourself?" He smiled a little knowing how stupid our question had been and how stupid his was in return.

"We're here, aren't we?" We responded which had him shine orange (confusion) for a second. He just nodded, the orange faded and he invited us in.

We took a hold on his wheel chair and helped him in. He muttered a thank you. We set him in front of the TV and slinked away to the kitchen where Sue was messing with every and anything she could get her hands on leaving Theo talking to Billy. The conversation... the last game Theo had watched because that was the only thing he knew how to talk about with older fathers.

"Mom," we called for Sue. She banged another cabinet shut. She was looking for something. There was something heating on the stove. The poutine she promised us for later. Only now she felt like it had to be done now. "Mom."

"Yes, dear. Give me a second. I told Billy to make gravy but not only did he not make it. He hasn't even bought the gravy mix. Help me find the cornstarch would you. I'll have to make it myself."

We felt a light tug, we removed the glasses for a moment and our eyes flicked to the top shelf of a cabinet she already checked way above her eye level. Jacob must have put it there. We fetched it for her and handed it over. She stopped for a moment. Her eyes looking at it but not really registering it being there.

"Sue, we'll make the gravy. Go sit with Billy."

She laughed. "You'll burn yourself. Fire literally flies out of your fingertips when you're in the kitchen."

"Sue, we're telling you as your friend not your daughter. Go take a seat and rest."

She held a hand over her mouth to muffle a sudden sob. She inhaled deeply and exhaled to try to compose herself for a moment. She nodded as if our words made sense to her but she wasn't leaving. She didn't have any intention to leave.

"You'll burn the house down and where will Billy be then."

We frowned and pulled her into a hug because she was giving us the same energy Dorian gave. The same energy Billy had been giving. The same energy we usually felt in ourselves. We were broken and we were falling apart. We were trying so hard to be okay but we aren't.

Sue squeezed back tightly. Afraid that the next time we moved out of her sight we wouldn't return. We would go away suddenly like Charlie did.

"Have you heard from Leah?" She asked. "Jacob said she was well but she hasn't come home."

"Perhaps she went out hunting with Grace," we attempted to reassure her. She wasn't reassured but Sue nodded. We moved her over to the side and took the apron off of her. "Watch us cook. Correct us before we burn ourselves... we don't like fire."

Sue conceded with a quiet okay.

We served poutine to Billy and took a seat in his living room. He had the TV on a movie Theo picked out. A light hearted rom com because it felt too soon for horror or action or violence or grief.

It felt too soon for love as well but we didn't mention that. We just let the movie play and hid behind our glasses. The food becoming cold on our plate.

"Jacob has been running around talking to the families of the boys that—"

"Billy," Sue scolded. "Not right now."

"So when will be a good time for you Sue?"

"Just not now."

"The parents of those kids Mari, know it is not your fault. They are not mad nor are they resentful—"

"Billy she just woke up today."

Billy sighed. He needed to get this off his chest and needed us to be ready for it. Normally things that had to do with his people were his business and he never discussed it with us. At most he just said they are doing their best or they will be fine or they were strong. Not now. Right now he wasn't thinking as an elder. He was thinking about Charlie and how much Charlie worries about us.

"Let him talk, Mom. We don't mind."

She frowned. "You just have a lot on your mind already."

Billy took a small breath just to give some time for Sue to give him the eventual go ahead. He did want to tell us whatever it was that was on his chest but at the same time if Sue was adamantly against it then he would have no choice but to concede.

"The parents of the children that died would like to see you tonight," he said. That was a heavy weight he set upon us. "They spoke to Sam before and Jake for the recent events and had all of their questions regarding how and why answered. There isn't a need for you to worry about that. They only wish to meet the person this was all for. To empathize with you as you all are experiencing similar loss."

We frowned at our fries. We didn't want the food but we were starving but the idea of eating made us sicker now. The fries might as well have offended us. We would very much like to toss it across the room.

"...seems we don't have much of a choice," we answered. His desire for us to do this was strong. He wanted to provide some closure for his people. He didn't mean to force it on us but he doesn't know that's exactly what he did.

"You don't have to," Sue said. "We're here to be among family and friends. Not for you to give people closure. That isn't your job."

"It's okay. Really," we said and set our poutine aside. Which made Sue shoot Billy a scary side eye.

She stood up. "I'll go cut up some apples," she told us.

"Mom, we don't like apples," we sighed.

"But you'll eat it. You'll have some bepto after, before we head over to the bonfire too."

We pouted. "We don't like Bepto."

Seth was waiting for us at the bonfire. We saw him running towards us even before we exited the car. Theo looked on at a distance as if he had nothing to do with the event but Seth gave him a quick hug and greeting before he made his way towards us. He hugged us so tight we thought surely we'd burn up in his heat. But we didn't burn. And his embrace was warm. And his concern and love enveloped us to the point we wanted to melt in the embrace.

"Hey Mari," he looked around, lifting our arms and forcing us to turn. "You're... fine?"

Ignoring the hurt in and out of our bodies, sure. We were fine. If he knew the extent of it he wouldn't be casually touching us right now and if we hadn't asked Theo to not prevent things like this then surely he would have forced Seth to take a step back already, whether he was family or not didn't matter.

"Of course. We're always okay," we told him.

Seth grinned. "Heard from Leah?"

"Probably coming with Grace."

He nodded and offered his arm to us. "Come on. I'll help you over."

We didn't want the assistance but we played along and took his arm. Ahead of us among the beach were people in the dozens. The two packs (which were now one), the elders, the imprintee and the families of the pack members. All of them overflowing with color. We closed our eyes so the color would stop sneaking into our vision from the side of our glasses.

But even without the bombardment of color the emotions and sensations and intentions were enough to send us reeling at it all. Seth's grip on our arm tightened and Theo was there quickly to set a steady hand on our back.

"You alright?" Sue asked worried.

Theo took off a scarf he just had tied onto his wrists for no reason. He folded it up and tied it around our eyes to prevent the colors from leaking in even through our eyelids. He couldn't do much else for us.

"If you start to feel sick let me know alright," he said.

We nodded.

"What's wrong?" Sue asked worried.

"She's just easily overstimulated now," Theo answered. "Otherwise she's fine, Sue. Don't worry. I'll care for her."

"We'll care for her," Grace said appearing out of nowhere. "Greetings, Sue."

"Hi, Grace," she smiled and they hugged. She was about to open her mouth to ask about Leah but didn't as she saw her daughter coming towards us herself. Grace made her way to us and with a soft 'excuse me' she lifted us off the ground and walked us to the bonfire ignoring Seth's pouts and declarations that he was handling it just fine on his own.

Greetings were tossed around like assumptions in relationships. We nodded to most of them but the most eager to approach us were some parents that were sitting together just looking from afar. They were trying to be polite. They were trying to be considerate.

They didn't know we could feel everything they wanted.

Grace only set us down when Jacob and Charlotte approached. Charlotte cried at the sight of us. Her sobs sounding like wind chimes.

"We are fine," we said to provide her some comfort but she shook her head.

"You're not fine, mom. You are never fine," she said. Her hands touched the scarf. She didn't know why we had it on but she worried over it. "You look so bad."

"We will be better with time," we told her.

Charlotte didn't believe us. She touched our face and showed us what she saw in the battle. She saw people that should have died, escape with light injuries. People that should have minor injuries walk away unscathed. She remembered the smell of blood in the air. The way her mouth watered. She remembered the way vampires were torn apart and removed from battle to make sure they wouldn't die. She remembered her mother running around, her uncles, her aunts, her grandmother, her grandfather, her boyfriend and her friends fight tooth and nail and most  walked away with some broken bones and at worst broken ribs and severe burns. Then she showed us.

We were a practical corpse walking. Covered in blood. Covered in vomit. Covered in tears. Covered in lacerations, black and blue and red. We were dying, in front of her but still we moved. And still we persisted and still we acted the part of being 'fine.'

She will never believe us again, when we say we are fine. She will always doubt our words when we say we are fine. That image of us is what she sees in us now. And the next time we will not 'be better in time.'

We will just die.

Her lip trembled. She was brought up with stories of how great her mom was. How great we were and how all of our great accomplishments protected and overachieved our label of being only human. Charlotte was proud of us. We were her hero.

She had been catching on on how fragile we truly were. Emotional fragility that she didn't know how to be careful with and disliked that we would ignore until it broke but now she finally caught on to how fragile our physical body was too... she always knew but usually she had Simon there to prevent our harm. So it never quite sunk in. Not until that day when she saw it with her own eyes.

We were only human and that scared her.

We couldn't muster words to comfort her. We didn't know what we could say or do to make her feel better.

We settled for an embrace. 

"Hey," Jacob said looking as if he had been up most of the week. He didn't wait for us to come into a hug. He just gave it to us. His emotions hitting us hard. Guilt, worry and anger running through him. He had been there when we had decided to send away the Cullens. He could have caught on that we were going to go fight the two men without backup if he wasn't just thrilled that we were alive and already overwhelmed with his sudden position of only alpha with a pack twice it's usual size. "You look," he chuckled.

"Beautiful?" We asked. "Gorgeous? Absolutely godly?"

He raised a brow. "Woah now, i was going to say... pretty? Like... I see where Charlotte gets it from."

We shook our head. "Nice save but we hear the pretty ugly behind your statement."

He laughed. "Yeah, sorry. It's sort of all over your face."

We nodded. We got it.

"It's good to have you here. If you need anything—"he began realizing he was bringing up things we didn't want to think about. It didn't help that Sue shot him a death glare.

"We got it covered," Grace said. Theo smiled politely at him. Jacob got the message. He smiled back and nodded. Almost appreciatively since he already had a lot on his plate and was about to add more to it. He did want to help but we both knew he was simply stretched out too thin already.

"Alright, they're sensitive, aren't they?" He joked.

We nodded in agreement. "A lot has happened."

"We get it," he said. "Just... learn to chill here. We're all friends."

Jacob went off to talk to the other guests, some of them it was their first time to this bonfire. Sue took our hands and lead us down to where the main part of the pack, which meant away from the people that wanted to speak to us the most. We weren't against that notion.

However, there we were met with someone else we weren't ready to face yet. Sam was set on top of a log beside Emily who greeted us with a warm smile. Standing in front of him alone was enough to feel the water rise to our necks. Although he didn't seem particularly upset with us, we still felt the underlying regret. He and Emily were soft and comforting to stand before but that didn't help us knowing that the warmth that once indicated his place among the wolves were no longer with him. He had resigned his position and will now continue to age with Emily.

Emily stood to give us an embrace. One we almost stepped away from. 

"It's been so long since we've seen you," she said.

It was only about a month. 

Not that long.

Say something.

"Something," we muttered.

"Hm?"

"Somethings came up," we said.

She smiled again keeping the awkward reunion light. "Come sit with us," she offered.

Sue patted our hand and agreed. "Good idea, you sit here with Emily and Sam. I have to go be off with Billy anyways. Make sure to eat something. You left the apples behind but we brought some poutine over."

"You three sit as well," Emily said looking cautiously at the Valoz siblings that stuck close to us. Grace and Theo weren't uncomfortable but they knew they had made many others here uncomfortable. They had fought with every wolf present and have been invited here this day but that didn't mean everyone was okay with it. For people that have never been face to face with vampires and have only ever heard stories... the siblings were beautiful sights of the monsters that hide in shadows. The very embodiment of the things their parents had told them would surely eat them if they didn't eat their vegetables. 

"Sure," Grace answered and took a seat behind us in the sand facing away from the other humans. Theo did the same. A small consideration they could offer, without leaving our side while Charlotte sat on our free side choosing to stay with us over following Jacob around.

Sam's smile faltered a little. "We knew it would be difficult to have everyone agree to you both coming here. I apologize for them. Thank you both for coming."

Grace a bit taken aback by Sam's sincerity nodded and remained silent.

Sam was always a stern and serious fellow but by no means was he ever stoic. He was laughing with the pack that used to be his. He spoke to them about plans he would have in the future and how he will still contribute to the pack in any way he could. Like Billy. A missing limb won't stop him. Some of the people listening in seemed to have heard it many times already but for some it was the first time listening in.

No one really mentioned that Sam wasn't ready to retire. It was just out of his hands.

Over time, after many stories have been swapped and everyone caught up with each other and ate and enjoyed each others company, the words of everyone began to fall silent. If they spoke to us we didn't know. We were too invested in the atmosphere of it all. All the normalcy. Among the pack and the elders and the guests there was mourning, there was guilt but there was also harmony. They were among friends. Among family. The world felt so beautifully colorful and bright we couldn't believe the world was still functioning without its most important person alive.

The sponges that sat among the torrents of ocean waves, the marshmallows between the drenched cloths and needle pricks all seemed to create a lovely and comforting environment that we couldn't understand.

That's humanity.

They always leave us behind.

We don't like it.

But isn't it beautiful?

Billy speaks. His voice, pulling us back into the moment. He began, like he did before. With the story of his people. The spirit warriors and the betrayal and the cold ones.

"One day," he said when he finished delivering the message and information and the origin of their culture that he wanted to keep alive to his people. He said, "I met a young girl. Her name was Marina Cecil and she came to us with utmost trust and fear of her experience with being out of her body and trapped into another. She thought perhaps she was like our ancestors," he looked at everyone. He looked at us.

We couldn't see him but we felt his stare and the stare of others. 

We wanted to leave.

We don't like this.

"She was no warrior. She had no control over what happened to her and we had no answers for her. What we did have to offer her is our community. Our acceptance and our protection. To be there for her when living the life of a stranger became too much and all she wanted to be was Marina Cecil once again."

The stares were ice freezing our body. Soon enough we won't be able to feel our toes.

We want to leave.

Are we to die again?

"For some of us here, this is the first time hearing about a spirit traveler named Marina Cecil. For others we have known this person and have safeguarded her secret," he said and inhaled deeply allowing the people to take in his words. "You all may know her best as Charlie Swan's second beloved daughter, Marianne Swan. Now, recently there was a threat greater than the cold ones walking among us and our boys did their best to protect our people from them. Two weeks ago the pack returned with just two of the six that left to protect Marianne. In that same day, we lost Charlie Swan. A misfire—" Misfire? "—during the car accident is how the reports were written. When in truth—" the Cullens covered up the scene. "—died protecting—" again. Why do they do that? We know why they do that. But why must Charlie die in a lie. "—bravery. They have risked themselves to get rid of the threat. To them and to Charlie Swan, my best friend, we owe our lives and our respect. Marianne Swan, Theodore Valoz and Gracelyn Valoz. Thank you."

It wasn't just an accident.

The wolves nodded at us and some cheered while others like Seth called our names gleefully, boasting that we were his 'little sister'. Then four parents suddenly took a stand. Our feet were frozen over completely and  our fingertips were going numb now. The ocean was rising, it was just beneath our nose. Any second now we were going to lose air.

These people want to be heard.

We just want to not drown.

"Marianne, I am Paul's father," he said. There was girl standing next to him. It was Rachel Black, Jacob's older sister and Paul's imprintee. We knew of her but don't remember meeting her. She didn't live in the reservation. We think? "When I learned of what my son became I was honored and worried for him. I knew the risks and seeing him come home safely everyday eased my heart. He is the only family I have and his loss weighs heavily on my soul. I am thankful you and your friends have gone to defeat what took away my son. Thank you."

We are burning. We are drowning. We are frozen. We need air. Our body is going crazy as nerves were shooting off different warning signals of different pains. We clenched our hands tight trying to keep our body as still as possible but we were trembling. 

"Hi, Marianne, I'm Rachel. I—" she lost her words. "Paul and I were in a relationship. We were planning on moving away together when all of this was over," she said not sure why she mentioned it.

We don't know either but we don't want to hear more. The water is up to our eyes. The scarf felt damp against our eyelids. Our fingers and toes were dead, they will decay. They will fall off.  Our chest felt as if it were bursting in flames. 

We can't breathe.

We want to go.

We want to go home.

Don't panic. Stay still. It will pass.

In time.

"I just," Rachel blinked away tears and Paul's father rested a hand on her shoulder. She pulled something off her hand, we stared at it in horror. She held it out for us to take and we, forced, extended our hand to receive it. "Thank you, for looking out for everyone."

We feel sick.

And so so cold.

Burning.

Dying.

Stay calm.

Next was Liam's mother. She was a single mother who came up to speak with us. She held up a knitted blanket. "Liam is my miracle child. I was told I would never be able to have children but then he came around. I love him so much... I spent these weeks wondering how I would ever get over it... truth is I won't. Everything in my life will remind me of him... but, I can rest easy now knowing, that the monsters that killed him are gone. My son didn't die for nothing. He died protecting his family and his friends."

She handed us the blanket. His baby blanket. Her emotions contradicted her brave words. She was broken.

She was breaking us. A spear to our heart.

Our tears couldn't run down our face, they were absorbed by the scarf. We were empathizing with them as well as sobbing while we were faced with our next experience of internal death.

We experience death. It is natural.

It sucks.

Wasn't it just repercussions?

Senses overload, human bodies cannot handle it all. The pain is all too real.

We can't handle it all. We will 'symbolically' die.

Symbolically?

Just as Jesus died for our sins thus his death being the symbol of him on the cross now represents his ultimate love for humanity. On a similar note, our death is not physically real. We will not physically die. Our death will not absolve sin, nor pain, nor death. Our death is a symbol of humanity in a whole but not for them, they will never know. It's for us. For us to remember how humans feel and love and hurt. The symbolism of our sensation of 'death' is for us to never forget how fragile humanity is and how much they need us to do what we must.

But we will be okay. We're okay. We're okay.

Our heart is slowing. Breathing shallow.

We will be okay.

"My brother is Carter," a younger boy spoke. He gripped something small in his hands and glared hard at our glasses trying to see our eyes. We bit our lip and removed the glasses and the scarf so we could see him just as he wanted us to do. To see us and us see him. His colors were incredibly dull. The sorrow hadn't quite taken hold, neither has the grief or the anger. He was orange mostly. Confused at everything. Confused at the situation he found himself in. Confused at what he was doing here. Confused at the finality of death. "He said when he's not home I have to be brave and take care of mom and dad. He gave me this to remind me to be brave," he said holding out a little bear. "It was his favorite toy when he was my age... but I don't need it anymore."

He handed it to us. It was only when the bear was out of his hands that the loss seemed to click. His eyes watered. His lip trembled. It was his final goodbye. It was his act of bravery to step out of the confusion and face the reality.

Give it back.

We tried to give it back but he refused.

"You look like you need it more," he said.

Into a pile.

We don't want it.

Bury it with Carter, not us.

He smiled as best as he could before Liam's mother whisked him away.

Where was his parents?

"We are Ethan's family," the next man spoke but we closed our eyes and refused to see him. We were done. We need to go. 

"We won't keep you long," the mother said almost desperate. She must have noticed we wanted to go. Grace and Theo had stood behind us noticing our body felt hot and cold and trembled and shook subtly. "Ethan was proud of being in the pack. He wasn't very confident and had trouble fitting in but among everyone in the pack, he felt like he belonged. He was proud of what he did and there is no doubt he nor any of these boys would ever regret being there that day."

"Our son was brave," the father said and left a jacket at our feet. "He didn't have to be but he was. We know the weight you must feel over all this. While everyone has thanked you and while I also feel grateful... I have one thing to ask of you."

"No," Theo cut in immediately.

The sudden defensiveness of Theo, the vampire, brought the pack to their feet. Jacob and Sam held their hands up to stop them from doing anything. Both knowing Theo wasn't going to attack.

And despite Theo denying them the rope had been tied. It has been being tied since the moment Rachel had given us the ring.

"Understood," we said reluctantly. We gathered the items and held them close to our chest. "We will never forget what they have done for us."

We swallowed hard as the father seemed relieved that he hadn't had to say the words out loud. They were selfish words. A selfish request. 

We would have done it anyways. 

They don't know that. They don't know us.

Deep down they felt that their children died for someone that wasn't a part of their people. Charlie was a friend of Billy's and we an adopted child of Charlie and Sue... but overall, we weren't their people. We weren't what the pack was meant to protect. The enemy wasn't even vampires but human. The wolves were supposed to protect the humans. A lot of this situation wasn't what they were used to. It wasn't what they were told about.

It was a difficult thing to accept when they have just recently learned of it all... they haven't had the time that others have to accept all the information and the situation their children had faced.

We're nauseous. 

Billy wasn't lying, they don't resent us but this isn't ideal.

It felt as if they were trying to be sympathetic and to an extent they were but deep deep down, they needed someone to blame. This time they couldn't blame an entire existence like the vampires, their sorrow and anger were scattered and given no clear path to take.

So they passed their sorrow to us. To share with us their sorrow. With words of gratitude and mementos of the dead they might as well have just said, 'this is your fault. Don't you dare forget who died for you.'

People always want something. We know that. Let's go back.

We don't owe them anything else.

Their wounds are too new to be fully sincere. The pack and elders and others may be honest in their desire to ease our pain but the families that lost their children... they were not ready for this.

Just as we are not ready for this. 

They don't deserve our presence. We have to go. 

Just go.

Go, Mari.

"... we're going to go now," we whispered. Charlotte frowned and stood up with us. Grace took the items into her hands as Theo lifted us without worrying about what the others would say.

Sue got up and was walking over. Her eyes were wide and unsure of what she was supposed to do. Her intention was to bring us some level of comfort. To ease any guilt we had over these dead children because she knows we carry that shit. Her emotions wanted us to be there with her. So we can deal with this together. Fight this loss together. She wanted the best for us.

"Sue," Theo stopped her. "Not now. We're going back."

"What's wrong?" Sue asked. "Was it too much? I'm sorry, everyone just wanted to let you know that they're so grateful."

We need down. We need—

We gagged and without being able to do anything to stop it our stomach's bile came rising up. And our lungs felt as if they were crushed, on fire even and air no longer came through. Theo closed his eyes as we began to cough violently, our vomit drenching our's and Theo's shirt and we kept chucking up whatever yellow and white liquid we could until it eventually turned red.

Sue gasped out loud and Jacob, Seth and Leah came running over. Charlotte crowded us but Theo pulled us away from all of them. Grace placed an arm in front of us as we continued to cough. Our fingers no longer moved. Our voice no longer came out. Our fingers and toes felt swollen. Our lungs felt like they were melting. Our eyes watered over blurring our vision which shifted so many blinding colors we were sure more sensations must have been hitting us but we were so numb now that we couldn't tell.

"We need to take her to the hospital," Sue began her words forceful but her eyes looked lost. 

"She just needs rest," Theo said. "Away from people. We're taking her home. We'll contact you when she's ready."

"Wait—" Leah began but Theo and Grace were already out of there.

The feeling of being swollen went away with distance. Distance was the key. Our lungs slowly felt as if they restructured themselves but before they did, Theo assisted us in breathing. When we got home Grace tossed multiple blankets over us. We leaned over the bed and threw up a couple more times until we finally stopped. This level of pain wasn't like the repercussions. These went away quicker. This wasn't a punishment. This was part of our existence. We exist to serve humanity. This is so we could understand their pain. So we could sympathize so we couldn't refuse them.

This is what we could no longer handle.

This is what we had to handle all day.

One day we will be able to refuse them.

One day will be able to only feel us.

In a few hours, breathing was easy and our feeling in our fingers and toes returned. The swelling went away and our burning eased and our tears finally stopped.

And our hatred ignited.

The usual ways we handled grief wasn't helping. During the first week we hadn't wanted to leave Charlie's room at all. Once we were done hacking up our stomach and lungs we changed without showering and hopped into bed. Never to move again unless it was absolutely necessary. We refused the meals and refused the demands to eat which made us feel worse. So Grace stopped trying to force it. 

We were furious still. Furious and sorrowful and powerless to change these feelings. We needed it to be directed somewhere. Why not ourselves?

Fury and sorrow be damned. We purposely make ourself hurt so we can feel a sort of control over these feelings. 

It was horrifying. Not being able to control ourselves. Not our body. Not our will. Not our emotions... We bundled up until we felt like shit all sticky and sweaty and oily and even then we didn't get off the bed.

There was a lot of commotion for that first week outside the house but we didn't deal with it. We fought every urge to respond and allowed Grace and Theo to deal with it themselves. We didn't want to deal with it. We couldn't be the one to deal with it. We didn't want to experience what we had at the bonfire ever again.

But it was Leah screaming her head off outside on the start of the second week that finally got us off the bed. She was worried. We felt that. She was angry. We felt that too. And she reminded us that we had children to think about.

She always thought our attachment to kids were odd. She didn't approve of it. She didn't understand but she knew enough that we were willing to struggle ourselves to make things easier on the children.

We forgot all about them.

...

They were waiting.

We didn't have the luxury to not exist.

But we didn't have the strength to leave the room.

What are we to do?

Why must we do anything?

"Theo. Grace," we called speaking for the first time that week.

"Yes," they answered.

"... it's hard to stand," we said.

"Toilet?" Grace asked already lifting us off the bed.

"... bath."

They both didn't say anything. Theo prepared the bath as Grace undressed us to help us in. We felt as if we'd just collapse into ourselves and curl up on the floor if she wasn't around to keep us upright. We didn't feel ready to start being human again but it was most likely that we'd never feel ready.

"Any plans?" Grace asked us as she scrubbed us down.

We shook our head. No plans. Just needed to get up. Needed to get moving.

Needed to find normalcy not that we knew what that word meant anymore.

Theo found a nice orange Mumu for us to bury ourselves in. We decided to do what we had to do. We wanted to clean the room. Anything and everything had to go. So sitting next to the nightstand we began to empty it out. 

"Tea," we demanded and Grace went to fetch it. "Theo, where are our dad's things?"

"In the garage," Theo said. "Sue hasn't gotten rid of it yet."

"Bring it up."

"... Mari, do you want to go see—"

"No," we snapped and silence fell upon the room. We inhaled sharply and the sudden panic that hit us slowly went away with each exhale. When felt... okay, we tried again. This time choosing the right words to his unfinished question. "Not yet. We're not ready yet."

"Okay."

We dusted the room and swept the floors. We moved the furniture ourselves and mopped. We had to rest more times than we cared to admit and made ourselves vomit with the overexertion. We still weren't eating but we were making the effort of drinking something. Water, tea, coffee (which upsets our stomach) and once we asked for a beer from the fridge because we knew some were in there. 

Dad's favorite tastes like shit but we chugged it all anyways. Even if just to capture a little bit of the beer smell that would linger on him from it.

We took pictures off the walls and kicked out Sue's clothes and organized Charlie's back inside. After a couple days of cleaning and organizing we finally decided to go to the next step.

Because sleep? Who the fuck needs sleep. Sleep is for the weak.

Next step, our room.

Charlie never entered our room. Not unless he absolutely had to. There wasn't much in there that reminded us of Charlie. Except for the few stolen sweaters and jackets.

We stand in our room feeling like we were strangers to it. We didn't remember the last time were here or the last time we slept on the bed. We weren't even sure if we had spent enough time in this room to still call it ours. 

This was Charlie's house. Every inch of it. Everything is him and nothing of it felt like us.

Did we do enough?

Did we spend enough time with him?

Did we do better or worse than Bella?

Was everything meaningless in the end?

Bella didn't get him killed but we—

"Mari?" Theo asked. "Grace went to talk to Leah before they came by to cause a scene again."

...

"We're going to... clean this room."

"No help again, I take it."

"No. We want to do it ourselves."

...

...

"I'll be downstairs."

We started with the closet, made sure to keep a slow and steady pace as we worked. Standing was difficult after all. Walking was tiring. Moving hurt but we had to do something. We had to move.

We piled everything onto the bed. And from the bed we carried it over to Charlie's room and tossed it onto his bed. We pulled the clothes from the dresser and the shoes out of the shoe rack and organized that into Charlie's closet until his closet was a mixture and him and us. Together. As if should have been.

We could add a bean bag inside.

Fairy lights.

Nestle in there.

Pretend it is our cave and the clothes our treasure we are hoarding.

Swan Trove, we can call it.

We deeply inhaled and exhaled trying to catch our breathe before we moved around again. Malnourishment aside, we were physically weak. More so than before. We felt it. We tired. Felt dizzy. We wanted sleep so badly but sleep escaped us. We couldn't.

It's fine. We'll be okay but we have to keep moving. An idle mind is a devil's workshop and an idle body might as well be dead.

We went back to our room. We removed the bedding and tossed it out the door. We didn't know what it was but watching the covers and blanket and duvet hit the ground all soft and gentle despite the force we used annoyed us. Let's not even mention it didn't go completely out the door. It was followed by our pillows that we threw with even more effort but that fell just as short.

Our hands next found our jewelry box and we tossed that which crashed out into the hallway. All the rings and necklaces and bracelets and earrings we don't really use often clattered onto the floor and scattered towards the four winds. We grabbed at our desk lamp and threw it across the room. The bulb shattered against the wall. We grabbed our laptop and smashed it onto the floor. We grabbed at our bookshelf and without thinking pulled it down, the entire case just falling over books scattering to the floor. We looked for more things to grab and throw but we didn't really have much else.

We took a shuddering breathe in as Theo carefully walked in. His eyes scanned the room carefully and then remained on us. He didn't say anything. He just left the broom and a dustpan next to us so we could clean up the glass. 

—End of the second week. 

We heard Bella at the door. She fought her way in with logic. This was her dad's house. She was his daughter. She was allowed to be here. Of course the fighting statement against her was she spent most of her time out of this house and without Charlie in her life that she wouldn't die without being able to step back in these sacred four walls but we suppose Theo and Grace felt no need to stoop to that level of petty and cruel.

So obviously they couldn't keep her out.

Bella knocked on the bedroom door to Charlie's room where we had been holing up again after messing up our bedroom. There was still a mess in the other room we haven't cleaned, the glass, the pillows, the frames and books and furniture still overturned and moved and scattered. The broom wasn't touched. We ignored it. We couldn't step back in there. We didn't want it clean.

When we were in our room... we couldn't help but beg that we were just dreaming and everything that has happened was one long nightmare. We would walk out the door and Charlie would come in through the front door and ask what the hell we were up to.

Get mad that we broke things.

Worry if we had hurt ourselves.

Then help us clean it up.

...

But no, those wishes will remain unanswered. It would never happen. Out of Charlie's bedroom there is only reality and that reality was cruel and provided no comfort.

We had to be here. Sure, we'd get bitch slapped by reality every fucking second of the day until it sinks down to our very marrow.

He was gone. 

He was gone.

He was gone.

And no amount of what ifs would change it. 

There is no second chances but at least the idea of being in the room that was his enveloped us in some comfort. Not the cold emptiness of out there but in here... in here we could still feel him somehow. In here he might be gone but still exist in a sense. The rest of the house feels so empty in comparison.

We need to find the strength to keep going.

We need to sleep for eternity.

We need time so being out there wouldn't be so hard.

We need to move, Mari.

"Mari," Bella called. "It's me, Bella."

We rolled our eyes, of course it was. Who the fuck else would it fucking be.

She opened the door and stepped in. She was expecting the room to be a mess just like the other one but Charlie's room was immaculately clean. We just washed the comforter and pillow cases. We had to. We made such a mess on them. 

They didn't smell like him anyways. It didn't matter if they were washed or not.

"... I just wanted to see if you were... alright. Jacob and Charlotte told me everything that happened and Sue is pretty worried."

And what are we supposed to do about that? What do they want us to do about her worry and her loss and her sorrow? Are we supposed to ignore our pain and our needs and our wellbeing for them?

We can't do that.

We can't keep doing that!

We need time! We just want time! Why can't the world just give us time!

Charlie gave us time! He allowed us to grieve. He allowed us to wallow.

He allowed us to breathe.

Why is it so hard to just let us breathe?

For one second.

Just one second.

Just one more second.

And how many more seconds after that one?

Bella sat on the bed besides us, she took a quick breath of air. Her eyes immediately darting to where there used to be blood splatter on the blankets. She still smelled them there even though we had fought tooth and nail to get the stains out. 

"I was surprised when everyone arrived in Denali," Bella said awkwardly trying hard not to mention the elephant in the room but she was totally going to head to that direction eventually. "Imagine my shock. All my efforts to finally deciding to leave and everyone just found me there. I was like, 'urgh' you know," she joked and shook her head. Her finger running across Charlie's nightstand before her eyes went around the empty walls. "Esme told me about Charlie. I— I mean, it didn't seem real. I couldn't believe it but then they start talking about how they were planning on running away with you. Carlisle and Esme were scared for you but they didn't want to force you. Or at least that's what it sounds like to me. They didn't really tell me all that much."

She slipped herself onto the bed so that we were now laying down next to each other. We eyed her feet which still had shoes on. We fought the urge to kick her as hard as we could because we knew, that before as a healthy human our legs would break... right now, in the horrible condition our body was in we were sure to kill ourselves trying to throw hands with Bella.

Bella was oddly blank in her feelings, though despite our own agitation to everything she was doing. Like she wasn't quite alive. We knew it wasn't her shield. We were always able to feel and see beyond it. But it was like she was purposely keeping herself in check, with everything. We could imagine Theo and Grace had a word with her before letting her up. Hopefully without too much detail.

She huffed, "I spent two weeks listening to Carlisle and Esme and Emmett and Alice debate back and forth about leaving or going back. About how wrong it felt like to leave you as they did even if you were the one to ask them to go and how it was very much their fight as much as it was yours. They kept going on and on about how they were leaving you without anyone to lean on for support as if the loss of Charlie was something only you were suffering for."

We ignored her implication of the very obvious fact. Of course. Of course! He was Bella's dad too. Woe is Bella! We have to get our shit together because she also lost someone!

She could go ahead and mourn in her own way, we didn't care. If she wanted sympathy for her loss though? We were the wrong person to approach. 

We don't want nor care about receiving sympathy or acknowledgement for the loss of Charlie. We had wanted revenge and now we want to mourn.

Just for this one person, we begged to ourself. Just for Charlie, allow us to be selfish in our pain. To be able to delve in every inch and cranny of our shattered heart without needing to think of others.

Was that too much to ask of everyone?

We've already tried the power of love and friendship to mourn, that isn't what we need.

"When Jasper got the call I got scared," Bella said. "I spend that whole two weeks trying to wrap my head around Charlie's death and hating that everyone was so focused on you that I just felt trapped again. I can't even have Charlie's death to be mine. It's stupid I know, 

"... his death was never something I even imagined before but I felt cheated somehow... how selfish is that? I felt cheated because everyone was more worried for you than me but he was my actual dad... but when that call came in it suddenly came to me." She shook her head and pressed her lips together showing some of her old characteristics not that it looked anything human like now on her vampiric features. "I haven't really been seeing you as a sister," she said. "But that doesn't really matter. What matters is that Charlie saw you as his actual family. To him you were important. You were special. He loved you and you loved him so much that it's... it's so weird. And when I thought of that... I realized that you were going to fight something that no vampires were able to defeat in person for him. Like! You're fucking insane you know that!"

We frowned and remained silent. She was hoping we'd smile a little but she failed. So, she frowned too. "Do you know how devastated he would be if he learned you died because of him? Do you know how much that would hurt him?"

"So what." 

"So what?"

"Do you know how devastated you made him when you went into your fucking catatonic emo phase over Edward fucking Cullen? Do you know how worried and stressed and so out of his depth he was for you? And you didn't care. And you still got on bikes with strangers that could have assaulted you or killed you! And you still rode a bike into a fucking boulder! And you still jumped off that cliff! And you still fled to Italy without telling him! Do you know how much you have done in the short nine months you had control of your body!" We growled. "How dare you! Try to lecture us about worrying Charlie! News flash you third rate protagonist! He's dead! It doesn't matter if what we end up doing would worry him anymore! He isn't here to worry! He isn't here to care! He isn't fucking here!"

Our eyes watered and our throat burned. But it wasn't enough. 

Our anger and our pain and our loneliness wasn't conveyed enough. There is no measure in our humanity to capture how much this hurt. We didn't know how to express this feeling.

We've never really cared about anyone enough to imagine we would hurt this way.

We never wanted to hurt this way.

"He isn't here."

Bella looked around searching for words but she couldn't find them. She reached over but stopped short from touching us the moment Theo and Grace stepped into the room.

Bella rolled her eyes. "I didn't do anything," she said.

"I don't care," Grace said as Theo walked into the room to place a gentle arm around us. "We told you not to antagonize her."

Bella groaned. "Seriously? You're all overprotective, it's ridiculous."

"You wouldn't understand," Grace growled. "I told you not to stimulate her."

"She needs to face what's happening. If you let her—"

"Oh! That's rich coming from little miss 'my-life-is-over-without-Edward-Cullen'!"

Bella inhaled sharply. One thing she hated from us and all our friends was definitely how much we attacked her attachment to Edward Cullen. We just held it over her head and will continue to do so for all of eternity. It was unfair, we knew but we didn't feel bad about it, not particularly. Especially not now. Not while she was here seeking a favor from us.

"What you want her to jump off a cliff too? Is that her facing it? Come on, Mari, let's go jump off a fucking cliff! Maybe you'll feel better."

We buried our face into Theo's embrace. We hated the loud shouting. This wasn't what we wanted to do to Bella. This isn't what we intended to start. We had just... Bella just always managed to irritate us. We shouldn't have gotten mad and attacked her. But she has a fucking favor to ask that's why we defaulted to behaving like an asshole. She came here with the intention of asking us to do something for her that's why we're so horrible. 

Why do we exist to serve when we are naturally selfish creatures? We are selfish! We are callous! We are fucking garbage! Why must we feel compelled to assist and protect and care for others!

We just want to be alone. 

We just want to function again. 

We just want to die. 

Why are we thinking like this again. Pathetic. Grow up. Get mad. Who cares. 

We care. 

We just need this to stop. These demands to stop. This pain to stop. Us to—

"Stop."

Theo nodded and repeated what we said louder. "Grace, stop. If you're going to fight then do it outside of the house."

"Gladly."

"Mari," Bella began again and swatted Grace's arm away from her. "I'll go by myself but just one last thing... My mom came to Forks two weeks ago. Sorry, i didn't intend things to go like this I just wanted to check if you were alright before I asked if you could... if you could go see her. She's been worried."

We groaned. There it was.

Theo and Grace remained quiet. They had heard about Renee for a while now and have chosen not to mention it. Renee had nothing to do with us after all. Or at least, shouldn't have anything to do with us. Charlie spoke with Renee regularly over Bella and over his new daughter, us, with any questions he may have to know how to raise a daughter. Renee would help him out with everything he needed and even spoke to us over the phone in case we needed any girl time. Even though we had Sue, we thought it was nice and awkward that Renee did that much. 

While it didn't change our initial impression on her character it did add some nice inclusions to her character. We like Renee... at a distance. A voice over the phone. We didn't do well the first time we met her in person and we didn't want to see her again to check if it would feel better the second time around.

"... I also," Bella stopped herself. Nervous. She's going to finalize the request. We felt ourself slowly look up at her. Almost feeling as if we were looking forward to hear what she wanted to say.

She will tie the noose now.

Get her out.

"Get her out of here," Theo told Grace as if reading our mind.

Grace grabbed Bella and Bella hissed at her in response not knowing what the urgency was. Protecting a friend was understandable but the level Grace and Theo went for us, to Bella, it was straight out unusual and way way way beyond overprotective. It was straight up unhealthy.

"We'll hear her," we muttered. The favor having already materialize within us. She didn't have to speak. We knew exactly what she wanted. We just had to hear her out of courtesy at this point.

——-

Theo rose his hand as if he gave up. Theo and Grace still haven't figured out what level of a demand, request, or wish Mari was able to ignore and what level she wasn't able to ignore. All they knew was that everyone had something they wanted and Mari would pick up on such things and right now, right now she didn't need that shit on top of her loss and on top of becoming this... unusual combination of souls with different influxes of emotions and thought processes and actions. The Valoz siblings had witnessed Mari screaming and throwing things against walls with tears in her eyes to cleaning calmly and hardly speaking to getting herself dressed nicely humming to herself as if she hadn't a care in the world but choose to stay in bed all day without doing anything, just to sit there looking like a pretty doll on a tower of blankets and pillows. They were worried and completely unsure of what to do. They were hoping that once the synchronization was completed Mari wouldn't have such drastic emotional shifts... and they wanted her away from people while it happened. They needed time.

Time isn't a luxury given to them.

Because everyone wanted something.

And everyone wanted Mari to be there for one reason or another.

They will get no time.

So all the Valoz siblings could do is hover around her until she was... okay.

Until she was fine.

———

"I haven't seen my mom," Bella said her lips pressed into a thin line. "It almost slipped my mind that I don't look like myself. I don't sound like myself. My mom isn't like Charlie. She isn't going to just accept it without asking questions."

"You want us to go with you?" We asked her and chuckled. "Bella, look at us," we sighed despite the fact that we were already on board with her favor. We extended our hands to gesture to ourself to show her how we looked like, sitting on Charlie's immaculately clean room vs the destruction we made in the other room. A mess we were undoubtedly going to make to the rest of the house. "Why does she need to check if we're okay? We're not okay and she doesn't need to check on us. We don't want to see her."

Bella's eyes followed something in the ceiling until her gaze circled back to us. Her floating thoughts most likely.

"I went to that fight to make sure you were safe," Bella said. "I went there to make sure you wouldn't die. I couldn't let someone Charlie cherished so much die. I couldn't lose you because you're the only thing left of Charlie."

Bella nodded to herself as if those words had been the ones she had been looking for earlier. They were what she had been wanting to convey.

To butter us up for the favor. You see the noose? We feel it.

On our wrist.

"I'm sure my mom feels the same way," Bella added. "She wants to see you... and I'm scared of facing her alone. So I want you to be there with me. A uh... weird and awkward family reunion of sorts?"

Her request tied itself firmly to our wrists at last now that she finally put the request into words. It wasn't a suffocating thing. It felt more like we were going to be lead around. Like a mutt following its master.

It's annoying.

We sighed. "Not today."

Bella brightened up. "Then?"

"Tomorrow. We need to—"

We trailed off and didn't continue. We just sank back into bed and turned our back on her. The rope tightened around our wrist. It was uncomfortable. We will see how long we could last putting this off.

"... okay. Thank you," Bella sighed in relief. "... also,"

"For god's sake," Grace groaned.

"Let Charlotte and Edward visit you. I know you may not want anyone to be here... but Charlotte is your daughter and Edward is the father of your daughter. They deserve better than your silence."

Bella left the room but not the house. We felt her around for a few minutes before she headed out. It bothered us. The short time she had lingered made us extremely uncomfortable and we didn't like it. A fly in our house. Buzzing buzzing buzzing.

Fuck.

We reluctantly stepped out to see what she had done. We were hoping it was nothing and she had just decided to walk around to go down whatever memories she had of the place but no. That's not what she did.

She fucking cleaned.

The mess we laid bare was organized by her. All glass. All broken frames, everything was swept up and it seemed as if a nanny with OCD had just stormed through. Immediately our anger ignited again. Bella had trespassed into our most sacred territory and dared to touch what literally felt like the very being of our heart with her disgusting dead hands.

"Mari," Theo started as he noticed a 'change' in us once again.

We grabbed at the bed spread and furniture and shelf and desk. We tossed everything we could because we couldn't bare to have everything looking okay in this room. There was nothing okay about anything.

It was different in Charlie's room. Charlie's room was a delusion for us as well as a reality check rolled into one. One aspect to face reality that he would never come back and another aspect to soothe us into a false pretense that maybe we will see him again among his things.

But out here. Outside of his room... nothing was okay. We couldn't stand seeing it okay. Out here there is only reality. Nothing to placate us. We look towards his room and towards the door and hope and hope and hope but he will never return. Out here... there is nothing to comfort us. It's just lonely.

"... we need a shower," we huffed having destroyed the room again. "Theo, if you please."

"Me?" He asked. It was our first time we had asked him.

"Grace, needs to feed and we will appreciate her contacting Sue and our brother and sister. Bella wants a family reunion... then, that's what she'll have."

Grace didn't need to feed as much as Theo did but she chose not to say anything about it. She simply frowned. "Then, do you also want?"

"The Cullen's?" We asked. "... yes. No. No, that is cruel and unfair. We are cruel and unfair. It's all the same... we don't want to but what's the point if everything can't be a bit chaotic. Have them feel as we feel. Perhaps then they can understand. At least a fraction."

————

Grace and Theo knew they were being stupid by following Mari the way they would have followed a Lord. Mari, is too emotional especially now. She can pretend but she broke eventually. She's been breaking for years. The fluctuating emotions didn't help. Bella found it ridiculous how they were protecting her but Bella also wasn't there to see how cold the room felt sometimes. How alien Mari behaved. All it took was a second of their eyes not being on her... and it felt like she would disappear just like the Hawke brothers did.

They couldn't bare to loose another friend. It was scarier with Mari because they knew she had a tendency, a history, to want to hurt herself in one way or another. Gods, she was already starving herself. If she decided to stop taking her liquids as well... she'd die in days.

Did Bella not see that? Did nobody see what they saw? The Valoz siblings felt horribly about it all. To them, everyone was fucking blind.

———— 

Grace nodded and excused herself as she fled to do as we wanted. Theo watched his sister go and turned to us. He held his hand out as if he was escorting a princess. Despite how calm he seemed he definitely was debating whether this was a good idea or not. Not because he couldn't do it or want to do it but because he had never considered being in the position he was currently in. He mentioned it before. This whole knight thing is a dream of both siblings but only Grace was the one absolutely in love with every aspect of it. Theo didn't need anything beyond what he already had to feel like he accomplished his dream... and yet,

We took his hand.

"It's an honor," he said absolutely pleased with this new accomplishment of his.

We were glad that something this small was enough to put a smile on his face. It had been far too long since either sibling had a genuine smile on. That was obviously our fault.

"If we say something awful tomorrow do not hesitate to tell us to shut up," we said.

He nodded.

We were planning on being awful. They all needed to see where we stood in all of this. Caught between the life of Bella Swan, between the relationships of being a Cullen and having a level of belonging with Sue... they had to see, just how tempestuous being between them all felt like.

The next morning Theo dressed us in a bright yellow dress with buttons running down from top to bottom. The drape was covered lightly in lace and frills and pleats. Certainly not in our style but it was cute. We are cute. It was long enough that it stopped at our ankles. We didn't know how we felt about it. It felt like we were living in summer but today didn't seem to be summer outside.

He brushed our hair finally deciding to even out the ends where Oliver had cut before. He braided the sides, shortened the bangs and added a yellow bow. He offered us a smile as he suggested some light makeup to hide the dark shadow below our eyes and add some life to our paling face. We were pale before but after the bonfire we had gotten into worst of a state. 

We had to get it together.

But we wanted them all to see the truth, didn't we?

"Can you bring us dad's jacket?" We asked declining the make up.

Theo went to get it. The flannel one we liked. Our eyes landed on it and we had an immediate rejection to it. No. We couldn't.

"Actually. A solid color is better," we said.

Theo frowned. "I'll bring the flannel in case you change your mind," he said.

"Simon's jacket," we asked for.

Theo brought it along with matching black low heels.

Theo was about to get into the car outside that Grace brought over from the studio but we didn't want to get in the car. We didn't want the car. We don't like cars.

"Renee would start asking questions if we show up without a car," Grace said.

"Let her," we answered. "We won't get in the car."

"Perhaps we should reschedule," Theo suggested. It had been difficult for him and Grace to get us ready this morning. There was so many things we had been difficult about. The car wasn't the first but it would certainly be the most annoying to work around without raising any red flags.

Let the flags fly, we think. The news has already erupted with what happened in Volterra. The internet is flooded with people making memes and videos about the existence of dragons and vampires. Not that long ago Grace even played one where someone found 'proof' that dinosaurs were actually just dragons that used to exist all those years ago. What harm would having Renee question our mode of transportation on top of it be?

Theo's  eyes went down to our hand, another concern of his should he actually consider postponing the meeting. There was nothing visually wrong with our hand but the rope had been tightening over night. We lost sensation of our fingers. Our hand was cold to the touch. Surely... surely lack of blood circulation would eventually claim our hand with a bit more time.

It would eventually heal. Worry not.

But the time until then will be such a bitch.

We held our hand up towards Grace. She took our hand and in one fluid motion swept us up in her arms. We would go to the motel on foot. We had messaged Bella that we would not have anyone come over so the motel would have to do. It wasn't a far walk in any way anyways.

Grace didn't need to carry us either. Not if she didn't want to but it made them feel better somehow. We didn't mind Theo and Grace around us while we went through this because they kept their feelings to themselves most of the time. Their worry felt nice and their support was comforting as well. When they sincerely laughed and smiled and got us to join in on their attempt to cheer us up, it encouraged us to try to heal faster. 

We needed time.

But sometimes, rarely, their worry stops feeling like a soft marshmallow and instead felt like sinking into a foam pit. It envelopes us completely. We felt blinded and lost and contained in its restraint we become terrified to move lest we sink further into it. When that happens we keep them close. When they were like this, their worry isn't as suffocating. When we were like this we think that perhaps we could feel a little safe again.

Grace groaned a little to herself at a thought of hers.

"Speak," we demanded. She's been mulling over a thought for a while and wanted to say something but was unsure if she should say it. We didn't care what it was. We didn't like the nudging of her contemplating it. We didn't want her to be careful with her words when we understood we had already forced her and Theo to be careful with their feelings. They needed some freedom. 

And we need to give it to them.

"It's just the same concern as yesterday," Grace muttered. "I know what you want to do but are you sure? Like a hundred percent sure? This is a lot even for you."

We nodded. "We have done worse."

"Such as?" She asked curious.

"We murdered our friends and father."

...

"Right," Grace grumbled.

We chuckled because we were being difficult but it was good practice. Practice to be normal. Practice to speak to everyone without shouting like we did with Bella. By the creator, Bella will be there. We hope we won't behave like before. 

We should have some dignity left in us somewhere.

"We did well during the bonfire, right?" We asked them.

Theo nodded as Grace verbally confirmed with a, "yes, you did great."

This is before the throwing up part, we bet, but great all the same. That's good.

We covered our face with our hands. We had to school our face. Loosen the muscles so it would be easier to smile when we meet everyone. We have to fool them all. We have to be with them yet apart.

They are humans.

They are vampires.

We are other.

We are not like them. No need to be so worked up over it.

It's not like we could fool Edward, the mental rapist. Could never help but violate the minds of those around him.

"bombard him with his finest hour," we muttered. The night we rode him would make him uncomfortable. Imagine him in lingerie. A pin up Edward Cullen. "Disco ball dick."

"Mari," Theo said. "Your comments are getting weirder."

We hummed and tried to keep our thoughts to ourselves but we couldn't help it. Sometimes we muttered them out. Too many thoughts came and it felt necessary to say them to make room for more thoughts.

Finally we arrived at the motel. It wasn't that far from where we lived but it wasn't easy to get to if we wanted to go super fast. It was located near the high school so Grace and Theo had taken it upon themselves to walk quickly but still in a fairly human pace when traversing through Forks. They got some stares but not enough that wasn't normal for them. We're sure some people started whispering about the two kids that used to live here that were also goth, the ones that died.

Perhaps new rumors of Gracelyn and Theodore of Forks High becoming vampires will spread all around Forks, Washington now.

Grace walked up the motel's parking lot. It was our first time here but we had drove by it before. Not that we could recall when, just that we were in the cruiser. Renee had a room on the top floor. Grace climbed the stairs and took us to her door, the third one near the end. Theo knocked as she set us down. 

The door immediately opened. Sue was already there with Leah and Seth right behind her. They hadn't been able to see us since the bonfire. Two weeks of worry bombarded us even as they tried not to overwhelm us. Grace must have told them what we were dealing with but it didn't matter. Physical silence and restraint doesn't change the way they felt inside and how we were so overly sensitive to it.

The colors were clearer to us. We got used to it a bit, able to force some colors to dim and others to pop as we wanted. Visually everyone was more or less fine. It just took a moment to adjust... unfortunately, the same can't be said with emotions. Emotions had color but they also brought with them sensation. We haven't found a way to stop the sensations from overwhelming us.

With time...

"We missed you," we told Sue and wrapped our arms around her. It was true. 

We missed Sue's presence in the house and felt bad from not letting her back in. She was staying with Leah at the moment. Until something was done about this entire thing.

The world doesn't stop just because our father died. We understood.

We wished it would though.

They needed to keep moving but we never felt the need to move even when the world was perfect... what reason did we have to move now?

Our kids, we reminded ourselves. For them.

For our family. The Clearwaters.

Move.

"Come in, come in," Sue pulled us in and set us down. Her eyes immediately going to how... thinner we had gotten since the bonfire. The change must have been more evident to her by how drastic the change had become.

Malnourished, Carlisle had said.

Starving.

Purging.

Anorexic some will say but it was certainly not all that similar to that, we think. We haven't researched anorexia to be sure if it wasn't that. 

We need to start eating again.

Leah's face screamed at her annoyance of our irrational actions but sadness still touched her eyes. When our gaze met she turned away and greeted Grace and her brother. Seth took a seat next to us and patted our head like he occasionally did. Usually we'd swat his hand away hating that he loved to boast his height at us but we didn't have the energy for it. We instead felt relief when the rope on our wrist came loose.

"You must be Marianne," Renee said including herself to the unintentional closed off circle our family created. "It's so nice to meet you in person!" She laughed and moved herself closer to lean over and give us a big hug. She squeezed us tightly in her embrace and sighed. "You're so much more prettier than Charlie said."

Empty flattery.

We look like shit and we know it.

We felt like it too.

Renee's words were light and carefree which went against how she was feeling and how she looked. She was devastated and she looked exhausted and on top of that the sight of us worried her. She had been crying last night. She was emotional, we recalled from the way she was going to cry on our wedding day.

"Wow, you're so thin," Renee continued. "No energy to cook, I bet. I heard you dislike cooking. Run out of bread?" She tried to joke.

We frowned but she didn't seem to notice. 

"Now, I found in my experience that food is the best remedy for heartache."

"Renee," Sue began and Bella's mother just laughed finally stepping away from us. "Really now."

"Oh, come on. We can't all cram in here. We can—" Renee turned around when the bathroom door finally clicked open. "Oh! Phil, come over here! Marianne is here!"

We didn't remember Phil although we did know we met him at the wedding. He was taller than most in the room Grace only being an inch or two shorter.

We decided in that moment, we liked Phil. Probably because he wasn't tainted with the devastation everyone else carried. Because he's a third party. 

"Hey, Mari, remember me," he laughed and held out a hand for us to take.

We smiled and took it. "Yeah, nice to meet you both," we said our voice matching the lightness Renee had. Which made Renee and Phil smile and everyone else worry.

We can't please everyone.

Though we can try.

"How's the little leagues?" We asked to make small talk.

Grinning lightly he shrugged. "Everythings been great but I take it you wouldn't believe me with just my words alone. Probably you'd like to come watch a game one day and judge for yourself? I'll get you a ticket and fly you out myself how does that sound?"

Like we would hate it.

"Sounds fantastic," we lied.

Renee laughed liking the idea.

That's it. Fake it til you make it. Come on, Mari. We're a fake bitch. We got this.

"Sounds," Sue interrupted, "like we should talk about it before we decide anything," she laughed. 

Renee nodded agreeing. "Of course," she said. "Oh, better yet. You and your family should come too!"

Sue smiled and didn't know how to respond. Leah was doing her best keeping her mouth shut in case she said something that would be taken the wrong way. Noticing the discomfort Seth stepped in with his own light hearted personality and simply said, "that sounds so cool! I'm down!"

"Do you know when Bella will be arriving?" Sue asked shooting Seth a thankful glance at his attempt.

Renee smiled. "We'll be meeting her at the restaurant. As i said, the motel's here are cozy but there's not enough room for all of us. Bella is always so prepared for everything, it was her idea to have us rendezvous here and to meet her and everyone else over there. Have you spent time with my daughter," Renee asked us.

We hesitated for a second before deciding on saying, "yeah, we spent a lot of time together. We were practically the same person for a while."

Giddy at the statement that we got along Renee swooped up her bag and took the keys right out of Phil's hands teasingly dangling the keys in front of him before declaring that it was her turn to drive.

Everyone headed out and Renee looked around the lot. There weren't that many cars there. She spotted hers and Sue moved to hers with her kids following right behind her and then both mother's looked further and realized we didn't bring a car.

"Parked further out?" Renee asked.

"Walked," Theo answered politely. "The car accident has left Mari shaken. She won't get in the car."

Renee frowned. "Oh," she said and looked at us. Like that thought hadn't occurred to her.

"We'll walk," we said. "We will be there soon."

"Oh, no honey," Renee mumbled. "I'm sorry, i didn't think."

"Would you like Seth to walk with you," Sue asked worried all over again. She was there when we rejected her the first time about getting in the car. Where she had insisted for us to get inside. She was so desperate to be together that she hadn't considered how we felt about the vehicle itself. Probably because she knew the accident was a lie forged to trick the world she hadn't considered that we'd find some fear towards vehicle.

More of an aversion than fear.

It's fear, too many accidents. It will surely kill us again some day.

"We have Grace," we said. "We will see you soon."

Renee nodded and got in the car asking if Theo or one of the Clearwaters wanted to join in. Particularly asking Sue. Sue smiled politely and decided that yes, she would join the energetic woman in her vehicle and told her children to drive slowly beside us.

We watched Renee peel out the parking lot. Leah snorted and muttered, "I see why Bella is such a stick in the mud. She's exhausting."

"You're exhausting," Seth shot back trying to keep the mood light and trying to overall not attack anyone he was going to be spending the day with.

"If you want to head back home you can," Leah told us ignoring her brother. "We'll make an excuse for you."

"Where's Bella?" We asked instead because we hadn't known that Bella would force the meeting between us and Renee first while she got more time to wrestle with her fear and reluctance. "We see the dark splotches in the tree lines. How far are they?"

Theo turned towards the small amount of what we called trees. In our head everything is covered in trees but we knew we were wrong in this case. There were some trees but not enough to consider it a forest like we thought it was. Most of it was in fact buildings. We just weren't trying hard enough to differentiate that background from the people. It was tiring to keep switching what we focused on. We weren't going to bother trying to see detail in the background.

"Bella is heading this way with Edward," Theo said. "They'll be here in a second."

And sure enough, Bella and Edward came in the Volvo turning into the parking lot. Edward hazardously parked and got out of the car in the same second he turned it off. Not even pretending too much to be human.

"Hey, what's up man?" Seth asked Edward both boys shaking each other's hand.

"How is it going?" Edward asked everyone.

"Horribly," Grace said. "Where were you?" She asked Bella.

Bella shook her head. "Cold feet."

We snorted. 

Bella took that as a positive sign of our well being. How wrong she is. She brushed her hair behind her ear before letting it fall over again. She wore it like she used to. Down and brushed over her shoulders rather than behind. She was trying to slouch a bit. She wore her old bowler shirt over a long sleeve and basic jeans and sneakers. Alice hadn't had a hand on this outfit and yet... Bella couldn't capture the humanity she once had. Her face was too perfect. Her skin too pale. Her eyes too intense. Her body too stiff in its attempt to carry poor posture.

"Thank you for doing this for me, Mari," Bella said.

"Charlotte?" We asked.

"She'll be arriving at the restaurant with Carlisle and Esme," Edward answered with a frown.

"It's gonna be super awkward," Bella muttered.

"I understand why you want this to happen but haven't you thought of how this might affect you further?" Ed asked us.

We shrugged. "Either way it will be bad for us. Why not make it bad for everyone else as well?"

"What's this about?" Leah asked.

Edward sighed. "Mari invited Carlisle and Esme to join us to make things difficult between the mothers."

Leah and Seth frowned. "Why?" Seth asked. "Will it be difficult, I mean?"

Leah huffed. "I knew it was weird when you invited the whole goddamn family for this after two weeks of ignoring us. We thought you were just inviting him and your daughter but you even brought along their parents!"

Theo and Grace remained quiet, silently dreading what was to come. They didn't know what to expect but considering how we are towards parental figures, every way the meeting among us may go would depend desperately on what we say and don't say.

Edward shook his head. "You could have just said no," he said.

"We really couldn't," we answered him.

"If you explain it to everyone," he continued.

"We'd rather not." It is our secret to hold onto. Imagine if everyone understood the full extent of our potential now. Esme could beg for us to follow her to the ends of the earth more than she already is and we would obey. Sue could beg for us to officially marry some human we don't care about and we will obey. Dorian could have us locked in basement somewhere and we would obey.

"You already lock yourself away. Whether it's a basement or otherwise changes very little," Edward said.

It's a delicate thing, we argued.

Edward nodded. "Yes, it is."

...

"Can you two not do that?" Bella asked. "Especially in front of my mom. She'll already pick up that you and I aren't together and that you like Mari because she has like some sort of weird six sense about things like that. Then, she'll know I'm different, obviously and she'll ask about Charlotte, I don't think she'll fall for the niece story either."

"She's our child," we answered. "Isn't she?"

"Yeah? And who's her father?" Bella asked.

We frowned. "We are his father, who else?" We growled.

"Single mother," Bella confirmed. "Great. A story my mom will eat up and sympathize with."

"No," we rolled our eyes. "Simon and us."

Bella frowned. "So dead father. Great cover up. Changes very little."

...

"Sorry," she muttered. "Foot in mouth. I'm just so nervous."

She was obviously thinking about the most important details. We were only a few years older than Charlotte herself. Physically. And she was the spitting image of Edward. Renee was whimsical, impulsive and quite possibly had a certain level of ADHD, who the hell knows but she wasn't stupid. She would be able to tell there was something up with Edward and Bella and she would be able to see Edward is the father if he mentions it.

Which he won't.

"Yes, ma'am," he confirmed his silence. He wanted to ask us other questions but he kept himself firmly by Bella's side. He understood the importance of the role he played and it wasn't like he didn't care for Bella. He did. Bella's concern was just that Edward was so obvious in his emotions if you pay attention hard enough.

"I asked you not to do that," Bella sighed. "Anyway, i just want us to have our story straight."

"There's nothing to worry about," Theo said. "We will do our part. You just do yours. The only thing that might become an issue is if we need to make an emergency retreat with Mari."

"... Mari," Seth called in quiet and serious tone. "About the blood..."

"She's fine, I told you before, didn't I," Grace cut in. "But we really wouldn't want to keep the others waiting. We're supposed to be walking."

"Walking?" Edward asked.

The Clearwaters went to their car and started the engine knowing that convincing us of getting in their vehicle wouldn't go anywhere. They already stayed long enough to understand the gist of today so they saw no further need to continue to linger here. Seth waved as they pulled out of the parking lot to go to their mom.  They decided to leave us there, trusting we could sort the Edward concern thing ourselves. They needed to go reassure Sue in any case that we wouldn't be much longer.

"She still looks sick and you're letting her walk?" He confronted Theo and Grace.

They rolled their eyes. 

"There he is," we muttered. "The overprotective Ed boy. Sir, I thought it was agreed we are not glass."

"That was when you didn't look as if wind could throw you off your feet," he retorted. "And before you started to crack under pressure."

"Grace is carrying us," we told him.

"Just..." he rubbed his temple, "all of you get in the car," he sighed.

We looked at the Volvo and hated it immediately. We didn't want to. The fucking death contraption.

"Mari," he scolded.

That would be a no. 

We turned to Grace and held our hands up like a child looking for upsies. She smiled down at us the world turning pink around her.

"Mari, I've driven you everywhere. Don't you trust me?" He asked as Grace rejected to pick us up with a gentle head pat.

"Not fair," we muttered putting our arms down. "Of course, we trust you."

It would be unfair to not trust him after all the trust he has in us.

He smiled pleased at our answer. "Then, please, get in the car. Bella, would you mind sitting in the back?"

Bella pressed her lips together and sighed. "I don't mind per se but we are supposed to be married and in love and not sure having my 'little sister' that you're obviously in love with in the front seat will help paint the picture of our happy marriage," she said. "This could have been avoided if you both haven't gotten married."

"Shut up with  your first world problems," Grace grumbled. "Bella's right though, we'll keep Mari in the back with us."

Bella huffed. "I'd like to be able to talk without you three attacking me at least once! That would also be nice!"

"Trust me, we're working on it," Theo said sounding like a liar in every sense of the word because he was in fact lying.

Bella, to him was so insignificant that he didn't care if he did throw her over the coals or if he paraded her around like a fucking queen. All the same difference to him. Making fun of her was just a way that indirectly relieved our hatred and inferiority. It fell under the love to hate Twilight and hate to love Twilight thing. It wasn't Bella we were hating, not really, it was just that Twitalk we used to have that gave us a sense of familiarity that we could be comfortable in. The fact that we decided to bash on Bella was very much based on the fact that she was Charlie's daughter though and the dislike was very real. On our behalf anyways. Not his. 

"In any case, we agree, Charlotte is Mari's daughter. Edward and Bella is in a happy relationship and nothing is strange or wrong with Bella. Should we also prepare a cover up story on how Esme and Carlisle are also Mari's parents?" Theo asked.

Edward shook his head. "We've decided to  go with the cover story we used when Charli— when she got adopted the first time."

Just because you cut yourself off doesn't suddenly mean we didn't hear what you were about to say. Just say it. He isn't taboo.

He ignored us and reached to hold Bella's hand to start the lie we were going to perform for everyone. She accepted it looking sullen as she did. She will be fooling nobody but we wasted enough time and wouldn't be able to lag it any more than we already have.

"Smile more," Theo told Bella. "Be happy."

"Be healthy," we muttered and headed to the car.  We slinked into the backseat being protected on both sides. Feeling almost like we were being arrested by the government. Soon we would be killed by some sniper hiding on the rooftops and we hope that they kill us soon before we reach the restaurant. "Theo, may we?"

"Got you," he said and gave us some glasses. 

The colors were easier to push and pull and ignore but the black of vampires were still atrocious and glaringly noticeable no matter how much we tried to dim it and push it out of sight. 

We had a total of a few hours to get ready for this gathering. It wasn't enough to really get ready for anything. We didn't even prepare much beyond 'be happy'. That was all we needed, wasn't it. We needed to be okay, be fine, be happy for everyone on this day so that perhaps they wouldn't keep holding our well-being over their heads. 

Their concern and such, we didn't need it. It was appreciated but not needed. We would rather they take care of themselves and allow us to care for us. That way we are at least relieved of the stress of having to care for others. That way we wouldn't be attacked by all of their emotions. That way they could heal in a pace they could work with and we could do the same.

"Why are you driving so slow?" Bella asked Edward.

He smiled. "Twenty is too fast Bella. Safety first," he joked. "i have to let the car crawl."

We snorted at the memory of us leaving Port Angeles. The night we finally told him we knew he was a vampire. Of course he remembered it. The worst night of our lives.

Bella rolled her eyes. "More inside jokes," she muttered. "... what if my mom asks why I look like this?"

"Trying goth makeup," Grace suggested. "The palest of foundation. Clown white."

"I don't wear makeup," Bella sighed.

"It's called an excuse."

"My mom could tell when I'm lying."

"You'd be surprise by how difficult it is to read a vampires blank expression," we said.

"I can't be blank! I need to appear human."

"May we suggest the truth?" Theo said.

"Not happening," Bella denied.

"Always with the lies," we muttered.

Even at the crawling pace we arrived at the restaurant quickly. We were disappointed and relieved that it wasn't at the Lodge. This was a meeting for us just as much as it was one to work through our grievances of Charlie. The Lodge would have been perfect for such an occasion if not a little difficult. Going somewhere else felt almost... disrespectful.

We weren't going to eat in any case.

"At least order something to drink," Edward sighed.

Of course we will, duh.

Getting out of the car was the worst. Immediately we knew where the three families stood. Bella gripped Edward's hand preparing herself and didn't miss a chance to shoot us a nervous and angry glare.

"Did you have to invite everyone else?" She groaned as the realization of how... horrible this may possibly become hit her.

"Yes. We require some form of payment for this favor, your discomfort will do." We lied of course. This sort of favor required nothing. We could do it with our eyes closed and our limbs chopped off but we wanted payment all the same.

Misery loves company and all that jazz. Being able to decided when we receive payments and what type of payments must be the only great thing to have happened to us in recent days.

"You're incorrigible," Edward sighed but his sigh was loving. As if he missed our chaotic messed up self.

Bella frowned. "I know you both are talking with each other again in secret. Can both of you stop. Seriously."

with a light chuckled Edward said, "of course, dear." Playing into his role as well as he could.

Bella didn't say anything in response but she became tense.

Esme and Carlisle stood like a black and white stalk photo, dressed bundled as the weather required in perfectly ironed seemingly untouched clothes. Sue with her children were more casual and less bundled. They wore more neutral colors nothing flashy and belonged in the space around them where as Phil and Renee seemed like tourist in their clothes obviously made for the summer. Pops of pink and blue running between them.

Charlotte turned to us first, ignoring the 'pretend to be human' play her grandparents were trying to do. She ran towards us causing all the parents to turn and see us. 

She leapt into our arms first and we held her back. Providing her with a quick information of our story. "We're your parents." A truth. We never wanted to make Charlotte lie.

"Simon," Edward whispered so she could understand who her father would be.

Her face scrunched up hating having to pretend her real father wasn't her father but she nodded. If we had a chance to live like an actual family we would certainly also had played a role of her father. The cards life dealt us however never allowed us enough time together. We were her mother for a short time and have quickly been outgrown. The only thing that kept her tied to us was her memories and interest in us. Beyond the curiosity we peeked in her and the yearning of the mother who carried her, we could offer nothing more. She knew that. We knew that... and we... well, we had only shown interest in her in that piano room. When she needed and wanted care. The moment Edward was ready to be a father was when we stepped down. We were no longer needed by her. Therefor, we were no longer there.

She looped her arm with ours and greeted Bella with a quiet 'hi, mom.'

Bella nodded at her with a loving smile.

Renee looked at us with another welcoming smile. As if she hadn't seen us in forever despite it being only five minutes since the motel. Her eyes traveled to Grace and Theodore whom she met and then to Edward who she's seen before in the wedding. She came over and with her arms wide open she embraced him without waiting for any consent.

Edward pretended to stagger before returning the embrace.

"Edward! It's so good to see you! You haven't changed at all. You must tell me your beauty routine," she joked and then her eyes traveled to Bella. 

Bella half smiled. "Hi, mom. I missed you."

Renee opened her mouth her eyes widening and then she smiled. It was a little confused smile. A little hesitant. This was something Charlie did too, when he saw Bella again after she turned but he didn't care about it after a bit. Renee seemed to need more time. She was taking her all in. The paleness. The intensity of her eyes. The surreal eerie ness of her stillness. The way the air seemed to grow cold around her. The obvious sensation of staring eye to eye with a predator.

"She's blinded by your beauty," Edward whispered over to them taking Renee's attention away from her. "Beauty routine." He winked. 

Cullen used dazzle.

Renee laughed and turned back to Bella going in for a tight embrace. If Renee felt the cold seep through Bella's clothes onto her skin she didn't let it show. "Oh, I missed you so much I hardly recognized you! You're like a different person!"

It's super effective!

Edward laughed as Bella chuckled a bit, that comment had hurt her. "I'm not that different," she said.

Renee looked at Charlotte then, simply jumping at the next person who caught her attention, rather quickly too and had gushed about meeting the pretty little lady a bit earlier. Her eyes immediately darting towards Charlotte's hair and eyes. So much like Bella and Edward. 

Charlotte finally revealed her relations gesturing to me. "This is my mother," Charlotte declared.

Renee's smiled dropped. She had pieced it together but now it didn't make sense. Charlotte used confusion. Renee is now confused. Renee is confused. She will eventually hit herself because of confusion.

Edward holding a hand over his mouth to hide his laughter lightly kicked at our feet. Whispering a 'enough' at us.

"We had her when we were twenty one," we said ignoring Edward and providing an answer to Renee's questioning stare.

Renee's nose crinkled a little. It was Phil who stepped in with a whistle. "How old are you?"

"Twenty two," we answered.

"They grow up so fast," he gasped.

"In a literal blink of an eye. Her pregnancy only lasted about a week you know. Felt like forever though," we continued.

Phil and Renee laughed thinking we were only joking. We laughed with them encouraging their interpretation of our words as only a joke while giving Bella and Edward a smug shit eating grin. If they had hearts surely they would be having heart attacks.

"Mom, we should probably head inside the restaurant. I bet you haven't eaten yet in your excitement," Bella redirected. Renee grinned and turned around with a 'you're right, we're all here. Let's go in!' Bella glared our way and mouthed 'what is wrong with you?'

Overall though, we think things are going well.

And that's not good.

"Don't do anything stupid," Edward whispered to us.

Cross our hearts and hope to die. Oh wait. We already have.

"Mari," he scolded.

We hummed and continued onward. He couldn't continue whispering to us now that we entered the social circle. Renee's attention back on everyone.

Introductions are over. Here's what we would call the first hurdle.

Esme, Carlisle, Edward, Bella, Grace, Theo and we will not eat.

Renee, Phil and Sue will eat normal amounts.

Leah, Seth and Charlotte will eat excessively.

The parents will all urge us to eat something. With an addition of Edward. That's a total of five parents, Phil might not be hard to ignore and one overly protective ex we had to reject lest we throw up what we eat.

We might throw up regardless.

Edward will suffer with us at least. There's that.

Edward sighed as he walked in behind Bella. He looked at us begging for us to stay civil but he knew that we wouldn't even if he begged. That isn't what we came here for. The most he could do is try to play crowd control. It has been a  while since we've played games with Edward.

Renee talked about all the locations she had been traveling to. She was ecstatic to talk about the adventures she's been on. She's seen this and she's seen that. She's been here and she's been there. It was definitely something we enjoyed listening to although it didn't feel all that real to us. The world was so big and vast but it remained mostly out of reach so she might as well have said she visited Atlantis the lost Empire and we would show her the same interest as we currently are giving her with her reveal of having been to Paris two months ago.

"We've only been to Los Angeles for conventions," we joined in on her conversation.  "We've been meaning to visit Azkaban."

'I did my waiting! Twelve years of it! In Azkaban!' We thought. So intrusive that line.

"You mean Alcatraz," Edward corrected.

We ignored the correction. "Have you been Renee?"

"Heavens no!" She laughed. "I hear so many things about how haunted it is! I'm such a scaredy cat I couldn't possibly!"

"Azkaban, where is that?" Charlotte asked.

"Alcatraz," Edward corrected again. "Is a prison in San Fransisco."

"Can we go?" Charlotte asked.

"Wouldn't you rather see the Eiffel Tower or the  Colosseum instead?" Renee asked. She must really not like haunted locations. With her being such an adventurous spirit we hadn't pegged her as someone that would turn away because of a person under a sheet.

"My mom seems interested," Charlotte answered. "I'd like to know what type of things interest her."

Renee laughed. "all children are like that aren't they. Interested in what their moms do. Now Bella, she used to follow me everywhere like a little duckling. Took interest in the house work and the money management. Oh! She was always such a brilliant child. Got better at it than me in a heart beat."

The food arrived before that conversation continued and everyone went ahead and grabbed their plate. The Cullens focusing mostly on pretending to eat although i did see Edward take multiple bites out of his plate. To make things more believable.

He'll have to throw that up unceremoniously later. How hot.

Edward shot us a mildly exasperated stare before taking a sip of water. His parents doing the best they could to keep pretenses as well. The discomfort of the food setting into their stomachs hardly even touching their expressions. Years of practice.

"So, what's there to do around here?" Phil asked trying to pick up the conversation from the short minutes of silence everyone clung to to eat. "I've been here all of two weeks and I feel like I've seen it all. Any secret spots only the locals know of?"

"There's a cliff people dive off of," Grace said. "Leah, why don't you tell them about it?"

Leah snarled quietly at Grace in a 'seriously dude?' manner. 

"Oooo sounds exciting!" Renee said. "Is it like a tourist spot or like an extreme sport?"

Leah laughed awkwardly trying to be polite. "It's just local boys being boys," she answered. "It's all relatively safe if you have experience. We have smaller cliffs for the less experienced."

"It's really cool!" Seth added. "A total rush but it's not for everyone. The waves get real hectic on some days and could totally pull people under if they don't know what they're doing."

Or if their not vampires or wolves.

"Bella," Theo hummed. 

"Stop," Edward hissed.

Theodore continued. "Why don't you explain to your mom how your experience was like?"

Bella inhaled sharply. She knew this was how things were going to be the moment she learned everyone would be there. She had just hoped we would show mercy on her this once... but haven't we've been merciful towards her since the moment we returned her body? Our death for her life? Her want of our daughter? Her want for our best friend? Her want for our separation?

Was it so difficult for her to suffer a little for us? To give as much effort as we have?

She was Bella Swan Cullen, the secret fucking martyr. She should start martyring.

She was the one that wanted this after all. See how difficult it is to pretend to be fine Bella when things are obviously not fine? Should have thought of every possible possibility of the shit we could and would carry out if you were to ask for our participation in this bullshit when we wanted no part in it.

Go, Bella. Go and think of a quick excuse to cease the worry and curious nature that has consumed your mother. Let's hear it.

"Bella! You cliff dived! Why didn't you tell me sooner? How was it!" Her mom was gleeful. Worry of her safety never even crossing her mind.

"It was cool," Bella answered lamely.

Renee pouted. "Understatement of a lifetime, I bet," she laughed after knowing very well how her daughter was when it came to expressing any level of emotions. "Edward did you go cliff diving as well?" She asked him.

Edward set down his cup of water. "No ma'am. I find myself liking to go hunting and climbing instead."

"They don't eat what they kill though," we hummed. "Isn't that wasteful. We enjoy making use of the whole animal ourselves."

Edward opened his mouth and closed it again. He didn't know where to begin to counter our statement.

"Mom," Charlotte whispered to us wanting us to stop putting her mother and dad in awkward positions.

"You go hunting too Marianne?" Phil tuned to us. "Never would have thought."

"Wasn't our interest either before it became a necessary routine," we answered. "Clears the mind. The hunt, the capture, the many ways to use the body. All of which is helpful. Did you know,  when writing scenes on hunting on how best to prepare the body of your capture it's always best to have hands on experience to really be able to provide an accurate and precise description for your readers," we said.

Sue laughed trying to really get our attention so we could stop poking the hornets nest. She finally saw right into what we were trying to do and now she wants us to stop. "My daughter is a writer, she has a story posted on the internet. Lots of people pay her for the work she makes."

"Oh!" Renee clapped her hands together. "Charlie mentioned it! You're really popular I'm told. What is it about?" She asked.

The vampires around the table stiffened a little as we answered.

"Vampires," we said. "There's consideration to writing about shifters as well."

Renee's smile never faltered but it did go a little tight. Obviously they had heard of recent events in Volterra. A shiver just ran up her spine. Only last month vampires were a thing of legends and not that long ago there's a possibility of them actually existing. It was a thing of nightmares, to some. 

A wet dream for others.

"Can you stop?" Edward hissed under his breath.

"We keep telling her to expand herself to other topics," Carlisle decided to insert himself into the conversation. His smile always gentle but his and Esme's body were rigid in fear of being exposed.

"But Father Carlisle," we said despite knowing the story is that he was our uncle. "We love writing about vampires. Anything and everything, if it's about vampires, we know it," we winked at Phil.

He smiled. "Then, you must have kept up to date with the news recently," Phil asked taking a bite into his ribs. We nodded. "There's rumors it could be vampires. Spooky isn't it. You hoping it's true?"

"Sir," we sighed. "We like to live our life believing anything and everything is real. We'd like  to consider the supernatural a mild inconvenience in our lives, is all. A lot like the existence of flies."

Carlisle and Esme chuckled to themselves but they felt the obvious pang of hurt. They were flies.  Buzzing around where they had been unwanted. 

Not what we wanted to express exactly but... there it is.

Edward held Bella's hand as Bella fought between pretending to be  a normal human with no attachment to vampires and a vampire herself.

In fact the comment can very well be a description on how we felt about Bella specifically and in general.

And while the human guests at the table laughed along side with Mr and Mrs Cullen in merriment, Sue and her children were trying to convey to us that they were not pleased at our current play. Sue was upset that this might potentially be a huge reveal to the humans among us whereas Leah was upset about how this might create a problem no one would be able to fix. Seth was simply worried that we were purposely plunging a knife to destroy the delicate peace we currently had.

And it certainly was delicate.

The little peace we created for ourselves could be snuffed out with the slightest of exhales.

And yet here are so many people blowing it out without meaning to because they cannot and will not hear our desperate plea to be alone.

If they cannot respect our delicate fragile peace then we sure as hell won't respect theirs.

"Oh, this rib eye is divine!" Renee exclaimed completely ignoring if not perhaps not noticing the tension of everyone else at the table. Her eyes found Bella's and noticed Bella's full and untouched plate. "You're not hungry, honey?"

Bella smiled. "Not really. Big breakfast."

"Then why'd you order?" We asked.

She frowned. "Well why aren't you eating?" She shot back thinking perhaps that would get us to lighten up.

"We don't want to throw up, that's why," we answered flippantly. "It would be such a waste of food."

The table went silent and while some tried to find something to say Carlisle gathered some salad and gave it to Esme so she could bring over for us. She smiled as she walked around the table and set the salad in front of us. 

"Here you go, sweetheart," she said. "I know you don't like salads but this one has your favorite type of dressing. Poppyseed. Won't you have some?" Esme held out a fork for us. Which we took with a tight nod and a smile.

We have to eat. 

We have to try.

We have to get better. We know this.

We took a bite. 

"We hate salad," we muttered but swallowed it. Grace passed us a cup of water to help us keep it down. We turned to Bella and pointed at the food set in front of her. "Your turn."

Bella hasn't eaten a thing since her awakening after giving birth. Edward said it was a bad experience. The food has no taste, no clear texture. It might as well be a lump of rock they were chewing and swallowing down. And as you swallow it just slides down until it thumps into their stomach to just sit there uncomfortably until they force it back up.

Bella grabbed a fry and plopped it in her mouth. Immediately her lips tighten. Just an immediate expression of disgust decorated her face.

"I actually need to eat more," Charlotte said reaching over across to Bella. Her arm covering Bella's expression while she stole some fries. "I should have ordered more."

"Well, why don't you. My treat," Phil said.

"No," Sue intervened. "My children ordered a lot. Charlotte, dear, you can feel free to take from their plate."

"Of course," Esme jumped in. "Actually, have you tried the tri tip?" She asked cutting a piece off her plate and handed it to Charlotte.

Smart. They will continuously cut pieces and pass it around. Over time it might look like they actually ate some of their food. 

We hummed and took another bite.

After a while longer of everyone doing their best to eat and those that could eat, eating more than they thought they would be, Renee finally set down her fork and sighed content. She had enjoyed sitting around with a large group of people. Despite the fact that looking at her daughter scared the living hell out of her, the complete lack of recognition startled her every time, she enjoyed being back with Bella and her family. 

Renee is overall a happy person.

...

It was kind of an envious thing. 

She was also a selfish person. And a curious person. And an impulsive person.

Her eyes had been bouncing between Bella and Edward and although she has not made a connection to Edward and ourselves, she had been wondering the story of Charlotte and us. The story of Carlisle and Esme to us. She has been questioning why Edward and Bella weren't as involved as they used to be.

How we used to be.

Hold her hand, Edward. Caress her hair. Lean in close. Pretend to be in love.

Edward's lips forced themselves into a smile and he patted Bella's hand gently. A small caress, as if it was meant to be a secret. 

He knew of course, that Renee was questioning things. He was certainly reading her mind. Why he hasn't been trying to do more damage control is beyond us. His effort seemed pretty minimal but we understood if he couldn't outright grab at the collar of our shirt and drag us out for a good tongue wagging. 

"So," Renee began as she dabbed her lips with her napkin before setting it onto her plate. "I've been a little hesitant to bring it up. You're Charlie's new wife," she said directing her words to Sue.

Sue smiled and nodded. "My second husband."

"I'm so sorry," Renee said.

Then why bring it up, we thought amused.

"Were you already together with Charlie when he adopted young Marianne?" She asked.

"Yes, we were."

"That must have been difficult. At our age, raising teenagers is not easy."

Sue shook her head. "Oh, it wasn't tough at all. The moment I saw her, i knew, this girl is a lovely person and I would be fortunate to have her in my life," Sue said her voice and emotions and intentions so pure that we were fluttering.

Renee smiled at Sue's pretty words.

"Most parents with children find it hard to care for others," Renee said as if it was an overall truth. "I'm so glad Charlie found someone that understood. Although him adopting a child sure surprised the heck out of me!" She laughed.

Sue and the Cullen parents laughed with her.

"And you two are also her parents?" Renee asked Carlisle and Esme.

Carlisle smiled beautifully. "Yes, or it was supposed to work out that way. Marianne is my niece. Her father was my brother. I was supposed to adopt her but at the moment I was in the middle of a large move with the rest of my children and with my career. As a professional, I thought the move might be too problematic after the recent loss of her parents. For a better health environment she needed something and someone stable. So we were the one that sought out Charlie Swan as he was a very important friend to us."

So important in fact that they lied to him relentlessly with no remorse at all.

"Mari," Edward scolded under his breath. 

That's our cue to hold our tongue as he wishes.

Despite the fact that nobody listened to us when we desired no one to lie to Charlie.

Edward at least had the decency to look guilty, even if his guilt was directed down at his plate. Bella noticed, of course. If it had to do with Edward of course she's going to notice. She looked at us and we didn't bother to give her any inch of an answer on our expression for her to even guess of what we were talking about.

Esme and Carlisle though, although they noticed Edward looking guilty they hadn't a clue as to why. The entire topic they were on didn't seem to give them any clues and when their eyes saw us they figured out nothing. They just lied to Renee's face and they thought nothing of it. Not of the lying and certainly not of what they were lying about.

"Charlie Swan took such wonderful care of her without a doubt Sue also played a big part in her well being as well," Carlisle complimented Sue who returned a tight smile.

"There's no need for high praise," Sue said humbly because she seriously didn't think she deserved any praise. "Mari has always been a good and strong child. She didn't need much care. Just a home and I'm glad Charlie and my door were open for her when yours was not."

Sue's retort is super effective if the tightened smile on the Cullens had anything to say about it.

Renee nodded and left the story be just as it was told. She was skeptical of course and uncomfortable at the slight hostility but she wasn't going to push or ask. Not yet. Bella was right in this case. Renee was a lot of things but she wasn't stupid.

"So, tell the truth now, is Charlotte a new addition to your family Esme?" Renee asked.

Esme looked at us and we offered no answer because we had told Renee the truth. Edward understood why we did that.

"She wasn't adopted," Esme answered knowing enough about us knowing that lying in this particular subject would obviously upset us. Not as much as their lie with Charlie but all the same, Esme read our expression easy this time. "If that's what you're asking."

"With so many adoptions they probably don't know themselves," Leah tried to joke but her voice wasn't light enough to be passed off as a joke. More like a harsh critique.

"Mom, Mari is her mother, end of story," Bella cut Renee off.

Phil frowned for the first time this entire visit. "Bella don't speak to your mother that way. Nothings wrong with asking."

"No, i know," Bella floundered. "I just don't think it's important to talk about. We're here just to see each other. Not to pry."

"And you're not curious?" Renee asked. "That's your niece. Your sisters baby. They're about the same age and you don't find that all too concerning?"

Bella had the child and has recently decided that she will leave her in Forks to be with us while she goes off and 'finds' herself. Therefore, we are the mother. Is what we wanted to say but our lips remained sealed. We wanted everyone to be at a loss but not at the expense of Charlotte.

"If everyone is done eating, we will pay," we said changing the subject as we pulled out our wallet watching as everyone reacted to our words and pulled their wallets out to pay as well.

"Oh, no, i got this," Phil said jumping on board with the change of subject probably thankful of it.

"Okay."

He paused and then laughed at the situation. "Wow! Just false courtesy, huh. Man, you could have tried faking at least once more. That way you can make it believable."

We shrugged. "We didn't want to pay. A single offer is enough."

Sue sighed in relief as her children just smiled at our curtness. It was clear to them that our light and happy appearance was solely a front and we did not want to be there any more than they did. Now it was just the question of how long we were planning on playing and how far we were planning on keeping them standing on the edge of a cliff.

Bella asked for us to meet her mother with her. Allow Renee to see us and that was all.

We did as she wanted. We were technically free of this. We could leave at anytime. 

So, why didn't we?

Because we want to annoy everyone at this table. How far off the edge will we keep them? Far enough until they feel like they will fall, of course.

Everyone except for Charlotte and the Clearwaters of course. Although we weren't confident of keeping Sue and Leah out of the casualties completely.

A little part of us wanted Leah to anger and worry over the stress inflicted upon her family and the fingers that might be pointed towards Grace if her vampirism is revealed, which just might happen considering both Valoz siblings haven't particularly been walking out in the open in Forks, Washington since their death. It's too risky. They're supposed to be dead. Yet, here they are, out in the open where someone. Just. Might. Recognize them.

We weren't mad at Leah for any other particular reason other than, her forcing us to try to face reality when we weren't ready to. It's petty. We are petty. That shouldn't be a surprise to anyone by now. Is it a good trait, no. Not at all. Not at this level...

We already tried to face reality. Our body suffered for it. We weren't ready for a multitude of reasons and Leah, as the loudest of the concerned individuals at this table, should have already known that. She saw us. Grace explained to them. Yet still, there was Leah, screaming and shouting and her words got us up and trying again.

Then there was Carlisle and Esme. We do not hate our vampires should-have-been parents but we did hold a certain amount of... disdain, towards them. Disdain for their existence, which we didn't have before we were certain but most certainly do now. Disdain for the little bits of involvement they chose to have over their coven and disdain for the heavy involvements they chose to have as well.  We knew they did so to give us the feeling of always having a choice. Our vampire siblings have a choice to leave or stay. Everyone had a choice to be vegetarian or not (with the risk of being on the receiving end of Carlisle's disappointment and disapproval) . Everyone had a choice in their future... only we didn't. Not really.

We had a choice of wanting to involve ourselves with vampires or not, we all know our sentiments in this, and every vampire in their family chose to disregard our choice. (Besides Rosalie of course. It's why she's our favorite sister and not Alice who had been our favorite character.)  Carlisle and Esme could have stopped Edward from doing so many different things but their decision of respecting his choices has only plunged our and Bella's future closer to theirs whether it was by accident or not. Carlisle and Esme lack of handling in their children's lives ruined our future. Their deep handling in our life in this vessel has ignited our abandonment issues of old.  They have harmed us so much by their actions that sometimes it overshadowed the good things they have done for us. Sometimes we forget how much we loved them and how much they've done for us... but we couldn't shake off the feelings that came from our knowledge that vampires...

Vampires don't care about humans.

Not.

At.

All.

We know based on our experience. We cared very little for humans. The only reason we cared for ourselves was solely based on our desire for what we had. What we could give and what we could receive. Providing love to get what we wanted from us wasn't difficult. Receiving love was lovely in and of itself.

The only vampire that truly cares for our humanity is and always will be Rosalie and Edward.

The only vampires that care about our choice is Rosalie and Jasper.

A little discomfort is the least Carlisle and Esme could do for us now that their lack of parenting skills brought us to this point.

Then here we have Bella Swan. And our dislike of her both on page and in person. Although we don't hate her as much as we did reading about her there was a new reason to dislike her. Seeing her brought with it our inferiority back. We remembered our first day waking up in her body, seeing her beauty, experiencing her brilliance while attending her classes. We compare ourselves without meaning to. We see her as us and we care. We gave up for her because we cared and here she was... not looking particularly torn over Charlie but more concerned in appearing human to her mother.

Who cares at this point Bella?

The world is already waking up to the existence of vampires. Why continue trying to hide it? Why would your mother care about that in the face of Charlie's death? 

Who? The fuck. Cares?

And still her priority... her eyes constantly look towards... Edward Cullen. She may have finally decided to part but her mind and her heart remain in the same place. She came for her mother, so she claimed, yet her eyes and mind are more on the facial expressions Edward makes while he

Infiltrates.

Our. 

Mind.

As he does.

"Sorry," Edward whispered under his breath as he brings up a casual laugh in response to something Renee and Phil were talking about.

We feel sorry for dragging Charlotte and Grace and Theo into this entire debacle. And sorry that Sue and Seth are here solely to push the fact that we found a better family with them than we ever would have with the Cullens.

When we live with the Clearwaters and Charlie, we were human. We had choice. We had plans. We had ambitions, no matter how small. We had life. We were not a doll to play dress up. We were not a chameleon attempting to blend in with each and every member of the family. We were simply an individual and to repay the Clearwater's like this, we were ashamed.

But then there was Edward.

Edward flinched as he stood up from the table along with Bella at his side. Their hands interlock naturally. They were pretending to be in love but it seemed to us more like children who didn't know how to date, barely starting to date.

Edward is here to hear us. To hear our heartache. To hear our complaint. To hear our pain. To hear of everything we hate and love and cherish and loathe... he is here to understand. To understand that we are here... because of him.

Hi, he had said and how we wondered how long he suffered just to choke out this introduction. I didn't get a chance to introduce myself, I'm Edward Cullen.

Charming, beautiful Edward Cullen.

We are here. We are lost. We are hurt. We are bitter. We are enslaved...

Because we didn't know how to say good bye.

And he didn't know how to let go.

Edward, you are our deepest regret.

Edward winces, his face caving into a despair. It hurt to see because he was trying so hard to be in love with Bella and happy.

We are unfair to him. We could yell and curse at him all we wanted as he suffers in silence pretending that life is well and lovely...

This is how we felt.

Do you understand Edward?

Edward leans down to Bella to whisper in her ear. He's encouraging her to get closer to her mother. To have a conversation. He will be right there but Bella knows better. He is going to hang back and walk besides us. Because we are having a secret conversation again despite her saying she didn't want us to do that.

Theo and Grace walk off a bit only to join Sue and keep them somewhat aligned to block Renee's view of us standing beside Edward.

Edward looks at them and back at us. Finding a moment to hold our hand. He brought our hand up to his lips which his pressed firmly there in a sort of apologetic way. He was understanding how Bella had hurt us to do this. How angered we were by everyone's selfishness. How tired we were from always giving. And giving until we felt as if there was nothing left to give. 

He probably kept hearing and seeing things in the minds of Grace and Theo who had been with us this entire time. 

"Can you understand how much we hate you?" We asked.

"Yes," he answered.

And yet we remember a time where being with Edward didn't feel like an obligation.

Where we trusted him with our care.

Where we loved everything about him.

"You were lying to all of us at that time," he said.

We nodded. Yes we were. We were lying to everyone that we loved our life with them only to have been planning to kill ourselves in the end. Their pain to our leaving, their loss, their... whatever it would have been... we didn't care. 

"You shouldn't have asked us to come back to this," we said.

He frowned.

"I love you," he whispered. Pained and regretful. That was his answer after all. Everything he did. Everything he will do, has always been and will always be because he loved us... and it was wrong of us to hold that against him.

We felt his tug and pull. A wish he had. We didn't want to respond but we did. It hit us too fast. It was too personal. Too hopeful. We hooked our fingers into the collar of his shirt and tugged him downward. Were we brushed our lips against his and he flinched as if he'd been stabbed.

We stared at him unsure of what we had just done and he had no time to respond as he dropped our hands and let out a fake laugh as if we had just told him something funny. He turned around and went back to Bella's side probably realizing that we were getting some notice.

We had answered his wish. A wish we shouldn't have answered.

We shouldn't have asked us to come back to this. Everything from day one isn't Edward's fault. It's ours. For being fickle. For being compassionate. For sympathizing about a creep like Edward Cullen.

Oh, Ed... we are so sorry for being like this. For being a horrible human being.

"We want to go home," we said to the wind like a child wanting candy.

Grace and Theo returned to our side immediately upon our request. Theo held our hand about to lift us and carry us off back home. We felt ourselves ready to allow him to do that when we both stopped to see the others watching us.

"What are you doing?" Renee asked. "Get over here we have so much more to talk about!"

...

Was the various started conversations about us that made the group feel bad and remained unfinished not enough for them to understand that we are in a precarious position among everyone here?

"She must be tired," Sue said. "It's okay honey, you can head on home." She shooed us off and we, grateful, huddled closer to Theo wanting to be picked up now.

"You still stay in Charlie's place?" Renee asked before we went anywhere. "He told us you moved out. To the old Cullen's place, you gave it to her as a home right?" She asked Carlisle as he nodded in response.

We didn't want to answer her but the look on our face probably told her enough. She grinned and tugged on Bella's arm.

"Let's head over to Charlie's, then. What are we still doing here?"

Stopping Renee from doing anything was like trying to stop a storm. Phil smiled lovingly at the woman and with that same smile mouthed an apology to us. So to be home first we hopped into Edward's Volvo and demanded he floor it. We didn't care about the speed limit and we didn't care how small the Volvo felt. We didn't care if we only remembered bad times inside of it. 

We wanted to get there before everyone else got there.

Edward pulled into the driveway of our home not having driven as fast as we wanted him to.

"Lock his door," we demanded and Theo rushed out of the car as the others pulled in and entered the house first. 

"Mari, you understand you can't keep this up, don't you?" Bella asked incredulously. "You're going to have to let people in eventually and you're going to have to stop saying things that might make my mother realize what I am!"

"Then let us decide when that eventuality is!" We snarled at her. "We do not impose ourselves in your life, or yours," we pointed at Edward, "or theirs!" We gestured to the other people outside. "We never force ourselves into another person's life! If you all want to leave us leave! If you want to wait for us wait! If you wish to be a part our life then be a part of it! But respect us! Respect what we need! What we want! Why is that so hard for you all?"

Bella frowned and she had nothing to say. Bella never complained when people imposed themselves in her life. Bella was good about things like that. She listens... and then fucking chooses to either disregard them all together or to take the advice of others and somehow twist it in a way it serves her. She rejects others in secret. To her we must have been a pain in the ass because we couldn't do the same.

"We're just worried for you," Edward said. "Because everyone here loves you, Mari. So much. And when we leave you alone... you have a habit of always picking the worst option for yourself."

"We know that," we admitted. "But we haven't died yet."

"Yet," he repeated. "Is the keyword. You're not even strong enough to take long walks like you used to. Don't push us away just yet. Let us be here for you. For today."

We pressed our lips together. Grace turned to us to check if that was a demand or not. It wasn't. He was waiting for us to understand but we were so tired of always having to be the one to understand others.

"Fine."

Reluctant but fine.

By the time we made it to the doorway we stopped to take in everyone huddled in the living room. All concerned eyes immediately shot our way.

We hated that. It reminded us of school. Of being late for class. We used to throw tantrums if we were even a second late because the moment we step into that classroom, whoom, all eyes on us. We felt exposed, like we were some form of odd exhibition. It was stupid, really. But we still didn't like that feeling. 

We didn't like the eyes.

We're trying though so we step in pretending that their stares is something normal. We even had to take a moment to figure out why the worry was there before we remembered. We took a look around the room which to us was perfect in every way. Comforting in its disaster. The literal representation of ourselves reaching every corner of the house. Looking at it again... we suppose it wasn't what others considered normal. We saw what they saw. They saw a person falling apart at the seams.  

We destroyed the entire house, downstairs included, when Bella left. That is certainly cause for their eyes to turn.

"If we knew we'd have guest over we'd have swept everything under the rug or something," we lied. There would definitely not have been any attempt of any kind but we would definitely had at least placed the glass nearer to the doors so no one would be able or wanting to come in.

Bella turned on us in a second.

"Didn't I clean this place yesterday?" She asked louder than she wanted to be.

"Did you?" We asked. "We don't recall asking you to do that."

"Did you really do all this because I didn't ask?"

"What are you talking about?" We feigned ignorance. "This is how it was when we got up in the morning."

The second part is the truth because we destroyed it yesterday. Immediately after her departure.

Edward set a hand on Bella's shoulder and under his breath told her to drop it. His eyes went to us and he mouthed the words, 'Stop it.'

Stop what? Our existence? Gladly.

"Mari," he grumbled but he wasn't annoyed. Hell, we had to lift our glasses a bit to make sure but it even looked as if he enjoyed all of this bullshit to an extent. Incorrigible he would say while he allows us to continue.  "Enough," he muttered.

Dear lord, he's an asshole.

Not a surprise.

He laughed despite himself but hid his smile behind his hand clearing his throat and schooled his face when Bella glared at him.  

Sue sighed picking up some photos off the ground. She and the other mothers seemed to have a unanimous hurt when they saw the photos on the ground. Many of them photos of Bella and ourself. Some of them of Charlie and Sue and one of them of Charlie and Renee. The Renee photo was placed up because Sue insisted. Sue saw his relationship with Renee as more of a friendship than an actual relationship and she wasn't insecure about it to put it into storage where it would never see the light of day. ... but most of the pictures were drawings we had made. Drawings we've done on our honeymoon. Drawings we have done on fishing trips with him. Drawings we have done for birthdays we've celebrated together. At the new restaurants we've gone to because Sue wanted to explore them. Drawings of all of us sitting on a couch. The Clearwaters and Swans together.

"I love this one, look," Sue said holding it up for Renee and Esme to see. "Mari drew it when she first started middle school here."

"Oh it's so creative," Renee said. "She's so talented."

We smiled as we waited for the moment the honeymoon drawings would be brought up. It would be difficult to explain away the detail we had placed in our drawings of Edward. So up close and personal. Intimate. 

"Mari made one with our family as well," Esme said fondly. "It used to hang up in the studio. We both worked on it together."

"I really like that one," Sue said. "Mari mentioned she enjoyed working with you."

Renee joined in excitedly. "So you're an artist too. Were you the one to teach her."

"Oh no," Esme laughed. "She was already talented when we met."

"She helped us refine our talent," we included ourself in the conversation stepping away from Edward and Bella. Edward taking that time to pick up the other pictures to store them away somewhere no one could find them to show Renee. Theo went to whisper to Bella as Grace began to clean the rest of the mess with Seth and Leah. 

"We wouldn't be half as good as we are if it weren't for her. But that applies to so many other skills we have acquired as well. Mom taught us how to cook things other than toast," we mentioned.

Esme smiled but noticed we were looking at Sue. Sue also taught us how to cook. It was unfair truly to give all the credit to one and not the other but that was the idea. Look where I am standing everyone. Mother here. Mother there. Mothers mothers everywhere. And who are we amongst these three. Just how do we exist within them.

There shouldn't be a relationship with Renee. At all. But she was here for Charlie. Her concern over us is her way of cherishing what Charlie cherished. He loved us... so she felt obligated to check in on us. We found that reason admirable but that didn't mean we wanted her here. But we couldn't disregard her either.

Our relationship with Esme as a mother ended when they didn't keep to their promise of adopting us but we have spent so much time with her that it was difficult to see her as anything other than our mother. Our mother that chose to leave us behind. For our own good or not she was aware how we felt about it and how it would affect us and decided leaving was best anyways.

Then Sue. The only woman we felt we needed to respect as our mother even if we disagreed with some of her choices in what she expected of us. (The dating the teacher thing because he was close to our actual age part, in particular.) we appreciated that she saw us as an adult in some regard and despised that she treated us as a normal child in others. It left us confused as to how we could ever possibly live a normal life... truth was we couldn't. Or at least before we couldn't. Now with us being a legal adult, we'd be given a lot of confused gazes if we decided to date some middle aged dude or our middle school teacher (as the only adult we interact with that has nothing to do with vampires or wolves or Charlie and Sue, we thought him the most appropriate), it wouldn't be wrong of us to do so. 

The fact that we haven't looked for a man or woman to share our future with could be summed up in three easy statements.

1. We are old but young.

2. We are young but old.

3. Loving and being Loved romantically is difficult and no human being in this day and age would understand all of our baggage and we no longer cared to make that effort.

These were true before taking in the other soul within us now it's doubly true. Sue pushing us to pick a human, any human, wouldn't change a thing.

The point of all this was that Renee has finally noticed. She noticed our gaze to Sue but the joy that flitted across Esme, who thought we were adding praise onto her for a second. She saw that Sue was happy but felt completely upset about us doing this. We were parading something to Renee and Renee was trying hard not to mention anything but she was noticing the hostilities as well as the love.

Our words and actions didn't add up. We say something nice and do something that made people feel awkward. Or we'd say something that sets up a tense conversation then later redirect it with a laugh or a smile.

There is a problem and everyone feels it.

And no one is mentioning it.

Why?

Because Renee and Phil are here, of course. They feel the need to thread carefully.

We are troubled. Something is troubling us and we mention it and mention it and mention it and no one is listening. Why?

Because it goes against what they want for us. They feel the need to thread carefully.

So what should we do?

We do not care if it's done carefully anymore. No more planning. No more overthinking. No more considerations. No more hesitating. We have had enough. We are tired. 

We will destroy everything if we had to. Shatter their world. Shatter their peace. Shatter their existence.

"... last I came by there were more pictures of Bella," Renee said in an attempt to switch the tension. "Phil, there was this one picture that was hanging  by the mantel piece. It was so cute! You know the one Bella, the one with you in the tutu."

Bella shook her head. "I don't know. Pictures have changed around since I graduated," she answered as an excuse.  This one more believable than her other attempt of an excuse. 

Renee frowned. "Well, new wife, new life huh!" Unintentionally poking a jab at Sue who flinched at the statement. Sue knowing perfectly well that pictures of Bella had always been on display even when Charlie and her were together for years just like how Charlie allowed Sue to have pictures of Harry around she didn't put any restriction on Renee or his daughter either.

"It wasn't as if you had any pictures of Charlie in your home," we added before Sue opened her mouth to get rid of this problem. 

Renee flinched because of course she didn't have any pictures of Charlie. She had left. She moved on. She didn't think of Charlie and of why he couldn't leave with her. He thought more about people whereas she only thought of herself.

"Okay Mari," Sue grumbled. "That is quite enough."

"What?" We asked innocently.

"Leah, Seth take her to her room," Sue rubbed her temples. "We will speak about this later. Renee, I'm so sorry."

Leah and Seth shared a look and didn't move. They have been trying their best throughout this short meeting with everyone to keep the peace. Leah as a support for her mother and ourself and Seth as a peacemaker. They were both doing what Grace and Theo were trying to do. Make sure things didn't escalate too far in one way or another. They weren't sure if taking us upstairs was the best move.

"It's fine, Sue," Carlisle stepped in. "We could leave instead. It might be for the best."

"No," Sue scowled at us. "Mari wants us here together. Okay, here we are! You don't have to hurt anyone this way, Mari! It is not nice of you."

"Not nice of us," we chuckled. "When have we ever claimed to be nice?"

"Mari, don't do this," Edward whispered coming to our side.

We ignored him. "Mother Sue, do you not understand us at all? We only care to the point where we are able. Just as everyone else does. We have not seen you put aside your wants for our sake... you have been pushing for us to marry since forever. Mother Esme and Father Carlisle, you have been wanting us to be with you then to be away and now to be with you again? Have you no consideration to how that made us feel? And how many times must we throw it to your faces so you could understand that we do not forgive you?"

"Mari, enough," Edward grabbed our arm and Theo was suddenly there to grab his arm in return and Grace grabbed Edward's shoulder and other arm ready to rip him away.

Edward let go and took a step back. "Don't say things you'll regret," Edward said.

We cocked our head. What did he think we've been trying to do when we asked for space. We know ourselves. We do not do well when we are hurt. We lash out. We say things. Hurtful things. Be it by accident or on purpose, it's just what we do and sometimes we realized we just like to provoke when we are able.

"Not always," Edward said. "You're capable of being the better person in any room. To put aside your hurt and help others in their time of need."

Theo pushed at Edward forcing him to take another step back.

"I need you all to leave now," Theo said looking at us warily. 

"We're sorry, Sue. We'll contact you when he feels better," Grace said. "Renee, Phil we apologize for our prince's behavior but it's been truly an inconvenience for everyone to request his presence... he's not well. Now you have seen it for yourself. Now, we ask you leave as well. Take your daughter with you. We'll call you later Carlisle."

"Yes, we understand," Carlisle said.

"Why?" We asked. "Leaving when things become difficult again? Do we have to be on the verge of killing ourselves for everyone to come to attention?"

"Mari," Grace pleaded. "Stop."

"No. This is what Bella asked of us. Come see Renee to let her see how we are doing. Do you see us Renee? Do we seem mentally stable to you? We don't feel mentally stable ourself. Were you hoping we just would say 'oh, we're just fine, how are you?' And we'd just spend a jolly good time together and part ways? Everyone in this room knows we are not fine. Even our daughter knows we are not fine, she's begged us you see, to stop saying we are fine. So here you have it. We are not fine. Are you happy to have seen us now? What will you do to make us feel better? You going to share some stories about Charlie that only you and he know? How will those stories help us? We'd simply plunge a knife in you with a simple phrase of 'you're talking about the man you left, yeah?' And how would you reply to us then?"

Renee pressed her lips together. Unsure of how she could respond. Bella had never been rebellious. Bella had never said cruel things. Bella had never imposed her own feelings and wants and shit onto her mother. Here we are. Unrelenting and eager to plunge more metaphorical knives into people.

"Mari," Grace hissed.

"Do you see us moms and dad? Do you see what we are? Do you regret wanting to see us now? Can we have more time or do you all still feel entitled to our life?"

"Mari that isn't what we were trying to do," Esme began and we scoffed at her words.

"No? It isn't? Why, we hadn't noticed," we rolled our eyes. "And Bella? Are you happy now? Is this what you wanted?"

"Don't pin this on me," Bella said breathlessly. "I didn't ask you to invite Sue or Esme or Carlisle or Edward!"

"Why not?" We asked her. "You said family reunion. This is our family."

"No, this is your family!"

"Oh? Only ours is it? Then Edward and Charlotte, is only ours? Carlisle and Esme is only ours? Is that it?"

"You know what I mean," Bella groaned.

"Why don't we stop here," Phil attempted to butt in and we bared our teeth at him letting out such an unusual growl that even we weren't sure about how we did it.

"Mari!" Sue exclaimed in shock.

"Sis," Seth began.

"Simon!" Theodore shouted and the room got quiet. We flinched at his desperate and aggressive tone. "Enough. They get the picture. We'll make them leave... just, stop breaking the things Mari loves and cares about."

We retreated a little. Our feeling that weighed like a universe on our chest had to slowly get reeled in. We wanted to alleviate our hurt by pushing it out on others. It hurts us when they want to seek some level of condolences from us. We don't know how to sympathize with people. We don't know how to react to it. All these things they wanted from us while we felt like this... is just so devastatingly hurtful to us. We can't even manage ourselves how are we to manage everyone else?

We're overwhelmed by everything. Every sound. Every feeling. Every sensation. Every color. Every smell. Every taste. Every thing. Everything was too much. What did the world want with us that we haven't already offered?

"We're not breaking anything," we said less aggressive than we have been behaving. "We're just pointing out the places that are already breaking us. We don't expect anyone to do anything... all we want is to be heard. That is all. We will go to our room now."

Edward reached out.

"Mari?" He asked confused.

Sue and our brother and sister were equally confused but they were too afraid to move. They respected our space but just as Edward said earlier, everyone loved us. Everyone cared. And we had a horrible track record of choosing the worst option for ourself.

"We will speak to you again... some other time," we muttered. "Excuse us for now. Mothers," we nodded towards our two mothers. "Father," we did the same for Carlisle. "Sisters and brothers... our daughter. We are sorry if we have disappointed you further."

Grace held out a hand for us to take and took us upstairs. From there we listening to the muttering of down below as the people continued to talk among themselves for a while before eventually leaving.

We were sitting in the bed, listening to the cars pulling out of the driveway. We saw ourself through the mirror hanging in the closet door. We looked as we always remembered us. White hair. Pale skin. A little gaunt. A little tired... but something was different. One of our grey eyes looked bluer than before.

"What happened?" We asked to Theo who had come up when the final car left.

He cleared his throat. "Sue apologized to everyone and thanked Renee for her visit. She excused your behavior to your past experiences of abuse. I suggested she used that for the shock value. It worked as intended and Renee didn't ask further. Just apologized for imposing without knowing the full story."

"A lie without really lying," we muttered.

"Yes," Theo said. "I figured you wouldn't want us to lie to her further. I thought that course the best option."

"You did well."

He nodded. "Bella left with her mom. I don't know what she will say to her but that's out of our hands now. Carlisle and Esme spoke to Sue for a while mostly just to talk about the things you've said and the things you were confessing to Edward in secret. The Cullens decided to keep their distance until you call for them no matter how long that would be... Carlisle, requests you allow him to visit you once a month as a doctor and not a father so he could assist you in your health but the others will stay away."

"Deny the request," we said.

"Mari," Grace said. "... Bella is right, you know. You can't keep doing this."

We closed our eyes not able to continue looking at us. "Did you not see what we did down there? We self destructed. If we don't have time to get passed this then we'll only wear them down until they hate us."

"They won't hate you."

"They will," we said adamantly. "Everyone has a breaking point. Even family."

We rubbed our eyes and looked up at Theo and Grace. Waiting to see if they saw what we saw. We saw the tinge of blue but Theo and Grace didn't say anything. They were waiting for us to tell them something. Probably thinking of what they could or should do next.

"Charlotte had a message for you," Theo added. "She said she misses grandpa Charlie too and when you feel better, she'd love to know him the way you know him. So that she can understand this love you have for him."

We nodded. "Theo, thank you."

Theo shifted from foot to foot. He didn't have to but he liked to move when he was in thought. Grace came to sit on the bed and then provided a suggestion that we hadn't considered.

"Maybe, you should ask Charlie for help," she muttered. "Simon said your body came from a dead girl right? Her wish was to grow up. Maybe, Charlie has a wish for you. Maybe that will give you some guidance? Some closure."

We pressed our lips together and immediately we wanted to go but at the same time we were too scared to do it. It would be that final confirmation. Once we see that grave it's the acceptance of his death.

"We're scared," we confessed. 

"Of saying goodbye?" Grace asked.

"That too," we muttered. "But we are more scared of what happened earlier. Theo, why did you call us by Simon's name?"

Even before then, Grace had also changed our pronouns. Somehow they knew.

Theo followed Grace's example and sat beside us as well. He looked at our hands and offered to hold it. He knew we liked holding hands. So of course we accepted his comfort.

"... Simon liked to provoke people when he was forced to interact, it's just something he occasionally did when he felt like it. I'm not surprised if you didn't know. He never did it around you."

We shook our heads. "No, we knew we did it."

Theo frowned. "He, Mari. Not we but he."

"He did it," we corrected as Theo wanted.

Theo didn't seem satisfied but simply sighed in response. "... sometimes I look at you and I see more of Augustus or Simon in you than you yourself. I don't know. It just felt like Simon talking more than you so I just... said it."

And we reacted, we thought. A name is just a name. A title just a title... and we didn't feel like we were behaving any differently but obviously that isn't what it looked like to the siblings. They've seen us since all this happened. They've seen our ups and downs and while we proceeded through our process of grief we failed to see the differences in ourselves.

"Will we be swallowed whole at this rate?" We asked. "Once the synchronization is complete?"

Grace and Theo didn't know that. So they just leaned in and hugged us. Providing us comfort as friends instead of as our knights. Whatever was going to happen they would be there. And that is enough.

We needed a moment to ourself but for the first time we didn't want to be alone. Grace and Theo were there but they were good people who were hesitant in pushing us too far in certain ways. It was hard to admit it but as much as we loved each other, we had created a line between us. Theo and Grace made themselves our knights, our soldiers. We are above them. They would follow. They will obey. We gave them freedom to be more than that but they had set themselves there and wouldn't move from their position. 

We were friends and we loved each other so much but we were not equals.

It was... lonely.

"Call Dorian over please," we asked.

Grace nodded immediately and was about to leave when Theo offered to do it instead. He stepped out and left us both in the bedroom. Grace opened the windows and patted down the blankets.

"Would you like to lay down?" She asked.

"Grace, if we no longer are ourselves would you still follow us?"

Grace leaned across the bed and traced a finger down our spine. "Of course. Our oath is law."

We hummed and laid on the bed. We scooted up, Grace took the blanket and draped it around us. We weren't tired but we felt drained. Grace laid beside us  outside of the blanket so she wouldn't freeze us. Edward had froze us plenty before but Grace didn't like being compared to him. For her, our comfort was everything. She didn't have to touch us to feel reassured that we loved her. 

"Honeydew clouds."

"It is pink again?" She asked.

"Yes. You're always pink."

"A testament to my overwhelming love of you," she chuckled.

"We must be a handful," we muttered. "An absolute mess. How can you possibly love us to this extent."

"You're just a little toxic but so am I. Who else would I force into being my Lord. Forced to make the hard decisions so I could make the easy ones."

...

"You sincerely believe that."

She laughed. "Yes, my prince, i do. Mari, no one in this group is a good person. Except maybe Theo and Augie but the rest of the people around you, most of them are shit. I really tried to do right by you but," she inhaled and shook her head, "I'd rather hide behind your demands than make them. Just like how I was living aimlessly as a human with my new parents... I just want to breeze by this life as well. I think that's what made losing Bree difficult. She trusted us. She trusted me. She thought I had a plan beyond fight til your last breath but... honestly? I didn't. I fought like hell to protect who I could and tried not to die myself and that was all the planning I had. There was no get away plan. There was hardly any thought to people beyond my sight. All of that responsibility I left to Oliver. I washed my hands of it. I was upset at myself because I didn't do more to keep Bree safe but ultimately? I wouldn't have tried more if given another chance. I'd let her die again too afraid to try to save her lest I let someone else die trying to save her, you know... Oliver could handle all that shit. You could handle that shit. But not me. If you reacting as you are is the result of my lack of courage to try to go beyond what I already have then I don't mind it. I'll take care of you until you're old and grey. I'll never leave your side and I'll be happy getting to live my dreams despite knowing that I forced you to take up the mantle of making the hard choices again."

We sighed.

"Doing what makes you happy doesn't make you horrible," we told her.

"I know. But it feels horrible all the same."

"Yeah. It does."

 A few moments later Theo returned with Dorian in tow. It was clear to us that they ran here. Dorian's hair was whipped across his face obscuring his eyes. Proof that he had let his hair grow a little too long. We sat up, smiled at him and waved a little.

His eyes lingered on us as he held himself back from rushing forward. He was taking us in. All of us. When he was satisfied he moved to stand in front of us and he rested his hand on our head.

"I heard you were being a bitch," he said.

"Aren't we always?" We asked.

The comment was responded with a short shrug. It meant not particularly. Dorian sat next to us. He had lost some weight. Not a lot. Just a smidge but it was enough for us to notice. Dorian was definitely calmer than he was before. The time we spent apart was definitely something he needed. Time to think beyond us. Time to think of his future and what he wanted and what he could do. 

From his colors we couldn't really pick out anything meaningful from them and from the sensation we only picked up on the warmth, not of anger but of his love. Passion, one could say. He didn't have anything in mind. Nothing he wanted to say or do. He wasn't even expecting to be here today. He was just accepting this moment. Taking it all in.

"You know, I reread your stories and fucking read through your drafts and shit. I've gone through so much fucking vampire heavy shit that all I think about at night is whether they can access my house or not. Who knew that so many vampires laws isn't completely factual."

"Oh yeah, for these vampires most of the rules don't apply."

"The thought of having more vampires is shit."

"No rules apply for Twilight vampires. You could probably debate that they're the most powerful vampires because they're practically indestructible."

"Twilight?" He asked but shook off the question. He didn't particularly care in either case. "I've been wondering if I could kill them," he said moving on immediately. "Be a real life Buffy. Wouldn't that be sick?"

Grace and Theo scoffed where they stood beyond the door. We smiled too.

"If you ever truly need a vampire to be killed in the future, be aware that as my son you have Gracelyn and Theodore at your disposal."

His eyes finally sparkle with life. Vibrant white blisters a bit as he looked towards the siblings. He had questions and we decided to explain to him our relationship with each other before he asked. He didn't understand the whole oath thing in any deeper meaning. As in, he didn't trust the oath. People lie. He didn't understand the world hopping but that wouldn't be the strangest thing he's heard recently so he just had to swallow that truth down. Then there was the Simon and Augie part. First to accept that Augustus and Simon died and they were dragons and those dragons, or their soul, was now a part of us. He stared long and hard at us looking for something but he saw nothing. All he saw was us.

Which made us feel... seen. Heard. Oddly enough, even whole.

"Oh, also, Justice is planning a trip."

"To Italy?" We asked without really needing the answer.

"He's been behaving like a limp dick ever since he found out his cousin is living it up in Volterra and ever since the shit of the news kept coming up he finally decided to fly over there. Obviously no planes are flying anywhere near there. There's something around the air that powers down the planes. One flight crashed while it traveled above them. Flight 180, spooky right. But unlike the movies, nobody died but it was close... well, somebody died. Heart attack but the plane and its passengers are fine. He said he'll take work with him so he's still expecting to be paid."

"Sure thing."

"I also didn't shit on the walls."

I gasped 'relieved', "oh thank the creator."

He leaned back and forward and finally laid his head on our shoulders even though we both knew it would hurt his back having to lean to awkwardly towards us. He brought his hands up and we set our hand on it. We both eventually slumped down onto the bed.

"Dorian, we have a favor to ask of you," we muttered.

"I'm not going to be your dad," he said. We glared at him. "Too soon?"

"Fuck you, bro."

"If it makes you feel any better I wished it was my dad that died instead of yours. I liked Charlie."

If we could used his fathers life to bring back Charlie's... we shook our head to get that intrusive thought out of our minds. Charlie would loathe to know he returned in such a way. No. We couldn't do that for him. 

"Thanks for the sentiment."

"Remember that one really deep quote I told you before about the tree?"

"We remember saying we weren't a fucking tree."

"Maybe you should consider it. Become a fucking tree. Make everyone else your roots. Make memories and experiences be your leaves. Grow strong and make sure not to rot."

We hummed.

The favor we wanted from Dorian is that we wanted to go visit Charlie.

We wanted to lay in bed that night, to be honest, but after what happened we couldn't just wallow any longer but we couldn't find the strength to do it alone. We needed him with us. There was a small part of us that wanted to call upon Blue as well but with Blue came Indigo and with her came Elliot and soon enough we would be surrounded by another large group.

We don't think we could do another large group after the one we just fucked with.

There's also the theory we had, one that felt more right than wrong regardless of not having any proof to prove anything. The fact of the matter should be, we are three in one body. Well, that fact is inherently wrong when one remembers an important detail.

1. Simon and Augustus are one person divided in two. Ultimately they equal one person together.

2. We are a third only when considering our physical forms.

3. The core is with us but it is inherently the center of what is Simon.

Thus, Simon is our center. When we die, we do and will always go to him, just as Augie said we would and Augie never lies. Not well anyways. It would be better to say, we are two beings in one body trying to become whole but to be whole means that one of us will eventually give in to the strength of the other.

We are one. 

We are three (now two.)

Simon's soul, his essence, his spirit or whatever he calls it is large enough to be able to be two individual beings.

His soul is larger than ours.

His soul would most likely devour us.

And once we are whole there will be a new being. A new us. Someone with even traits of the three of us. Two of us. Just one of us.

We are not the dominant soul.

That is our theory. One day we will look into the mirror and see more blue than grey and by then, will we even be us anymore? Will we care for the things we care about now? Will we love the family we have properly or will we be able to break them without batting an eye? By then, we probably wouldn't be aware that anything has changed.

Even now, we only barely register what we did as horrifying because we still felt like what we did was right but Theo and Grace are right to say that we wouldn't have taken that route. We would continue until we break like we did for the bonfire but to actively try to hurt everyone...

We don't feel guilty.

We don't think we were wrong.

But it did feel off.

Just slightly but that slight wrongness of the feeling made us think about it at least a little.

So right now, when we were sure we were still us, while Theo and Grace were sure we were still us, we got ready. We dressed warmly in Charlie's sweater. In his shirt. In our comfortable sweats and black boots we didn't wear often enough, feeling only slightly upset that the colors were all over the place, we tied our hair back and Grace picked us up while Theo did the same for Dorian. We left through the back door straight into the woods there. In that crisp air that was getting colder as the daylight went out. we closed our eyes and allowed the world to whip around us. The air brushed our skin like soft feathers. The cold of Grace's body pierced through our layers of protection like splintering needles. The animals in the world whispered as we passed them by. The earth reached up, pounding with every step Grace took and jerked us into awareness that we were alive.

We were alive.

We were alive.

Then Grace stopped.

Theo stopped.

We stopped.

We opened our eyes and we were there. In the cemetery. Our body was buried not much further from this spot where we stood in. We wondered how Forks handled our missing body. We wondered if it was written in the paper. We never went to check it. Couldn't be bothered. Wasn't important but right now we were curious. Searching for a little distraction.

"So, where's the old man?" Dorian asked as if he didn't know. He was here when they buried him. It was his way of telling us to pay attention.

We knew where we could start searching though. Where the colors become dark as a void.

Taking a deep breath we began to go forward. We weren't here for our body. We were here for Charlie so once we were set down by Grace we began to walk. Most of the graves had some slight pull to them. Some more than others. The recently deceased had more of a will than those that had been dead longer. We ignored them all until we found ourself practically face to face with the void.

Bella was there with Edward and Charlotte.

They turned to us and Bella wanted to speak but decided not to or at least decided not to say what she wanted to say. She smiled a little and gestured for us to get closer. We did just that pulling along Dorian who decided he would rather wait in the back with his 'sister'. Not that he'd ever actually see her in such a way ever but he did go say hi to her and she did happily say hello back.

"It's about time," Bella said. 

"Renee?" Grace asked Edward trying to keep her voice low but we heard her words carried in the wind.

"She apologized but otherwise everything ended relatively well. She stopped thinking about the situation after Esme and Sue smoothed over Mari's behavior. Phil on the other hand," Edward shrugged.

"That's better than we imagined would happen," Grace said. 

We kept our eyes on Bella, even when Charlie's grave was right there. We didn't want to look. 

"What was Phil thinking?" We asked.

"Exactly what you wanted him to," Edward said sounding exasperated and sympathetic, towards Phil. "Not that anything would come of it. Whatever you were trying to achieve with Renee didn't get through. She's probably not the right match for your power."

We hummed.

"Her power?" Bella gasped. "You were trying to brainwash my mom?"

"Brainwash is such a harsh word," we sighed. "We were simply pushing our situation out to everyone. If you felt tired, irritable, horrible and with lack of control then you've understood us, in the tiniest of ways."

Bella rolled her eyes and sighed.

"In any case, I'm sorry." "We're sorry," we both said at the same time. She looked at us and smiled.

"Okay. You first," she said.

"... we're sorry for being a bitch."

"Yeah," she scoffed. "That was very bitchy of you and I'm sorry for not understanding. I said I understood how much you and Charlie loved each other but... I think I underestimated it by like... a lot."

"Yeah."

"It's like really creepy how much you both loved each other. If you were older, I start thinking you would have married him instead of Sue."

Dorian laughed. "Right? Doesn't that seem the case!"

"He's definitely husband material," we agreed.

"Hah!" Dorian exclaimed in an I-knew-it way.

"It's unfortunate we never fall in love with the good boys... we love the ones that will never love us back or will kill us," we debunked his claim. "If we do love the good boys, they end up... dead."

"Well Edward's not dead," Bella tried to lighten up our darkening mood.

"Edward is a stalker and violator. Manipulator and gaslighter. He doesn't count," we huffed.

"Pot meet kettle," he huffed back teasingly making us smile a little. 

"Your emotions have settled," we told him. "That's good. You've been childish since we flew to Volterra."

He seemed to cringe at the memory of himself. "It's hard to bring out the old man in me when you're still so immature yourself."

"Naturally it's our fault like everything else," we said self deprecating which wasn't his intention to cause. He fumbled a bit before realizing it was meant to be a joke. He rolled his eyes.

"Ha. Ha. Very funny."

"Are you feeling better, mom?" Charlotte asked leaning into Dorian who stood besides her. Charlotte was in love with the idea of a brother. She liked Dorian enough to accept him. She probably liked him because she realized how Dorian eased us down rather easily without having to try that hard.

We shrugged. "We're not fine... but we have certainly calmed a bit. Too many people. Too many things. It makes our head spin."

Bella sighed. "I still don't like what you did today. I had to lie to my mom more times today than I ever did in my life time."

"Liar," we said.

She nodded. "Yeah, okay. I get it. I lie a lot. I seriously don't want my mom to know though. What if she gets put in danger for just knowing."

"What if Charlotte had something she was hiding from you?" We asked her. "Wouldn't you like to know if it could possibly put her in danger?"

"Of course!" Bella exclaimed.

"Well." We made our point.

"It's not the same."

From behind us Grace and Theo sighed. Bella shot them a look. She really had enough of them today.

"Whatever Bella," we muttered. 

We all lapsed into a silence. Agreeing to disagree in how we should have handled Renee. Bella had a problem of not planning ahead. She didn't think about others when she does anything or at least she didn't think about others beyond 'I don't want them involved'. Whereas we think about everything and everyone. We try hard to think of how we want things to go, how to not step on toes (usually) and if we couldn't get what we want we settled for 'good enough'. Ultimately though, Bella and I were both in the same spot regardless in our different approaches to living our life.

We were both lost.

Both feeling out of place.

Both not knowing how to proceed.

And both mourning the loss of a father.

"You finally came though," she said almost sounding relieved. She looked at us and noticed we were still looking behind us. To our children. To our knights. To Edward. "Charlie would be happy."

"We can imagine he would be," we said but part of the reason we were afraid to come was because we didn't want to face the potential possibility of dad being unhappy with us. Of what we've become. Or failing him. It didn't matter if we knew he would never be disappointed in us ever the fear was still there.

Agnes, the girl's who body we took, was never forgotten. Every day we stare into her face after all. Everyday we ask ourselves if we were grown enough. What would she be doing were she still alive? The possibility of hearing Charlie's final wish, if he had one, wasn't a sudden revelation to us, it was just a possibility we did not want to approach.

As we said, it's all so... finalizing.

"About the house," Bella said.

"Hm?"

"... I'll come by again to clean it. It's disrespectful to leave that way."

"........."

"... say something will you."

"Something will you."

"Gosh darn it you're annoying."

"Gosh darn it?" Dorian asked. "Is she fucking for real?" He asked Char and Ed. "Is cursing like something you guys just don't fucking do? What's so hard is it to say God Fucking Damn It. Really feel it in your gut. It'll make you feel better. You know what would also make you feel better, if you're really pissed off at mom, then slap her," Dorian said, hating the silence, as he came up to walk next to us. He set his hand against our cheek to show Bella where. Incidentally if Bella was human and hit us where he had her hand, if she swung hard enough, she could knock us out. "Right here okay."

We smacked his hand away. "Fuck off you little shit. If Bella hits us she would literally blow our fucking head off. Do you want to be a fucking orphan so soon?"

He raised his hands up in defense. "Hey, you have some dragon mumbo jumbo. Barrier yourself or something. I'm not saying you should just take it like a bitch."

"You're so offensive today."

"And you're so fucking serious I can't stand it. Look," he pointed to Charlie's grave. We refused to look at it.  "We're here for the man right? Then fucking look!"

We turned around and gave our attention back to Bella. 

"Sorry about him. We didn't raise him well. Was raised by fucking geese that one."

Bella blinked confused. "Isn't the saying a pack of wolves?"

"We figured it would be less offensive. We've met a pack of wolves and they're all lovely," we said and Bella cracked a smile before fully laughing.

Dorian finally smiled too. He changed the mood and didn't feel so awkward anymore. He gestured for Charlotte to get closer. Apparently the others were staying back to give Bella and us some space but... that wasn't necessary. Not right now. Despite the invitation though the only ones that didn't come closer were the Valoz. 

"You're good with her," Edward whispered to Dorian.

"Mom isn't hard to figure out," Dorian said, his eyes mostly looking at Charlotte as he spoke. As if he was giving her advice. "She's selfish by nature so listen to her but she's also fucking stupid so you gotta let her know when stupidity comes out of her mouth but don't be mean about it. Just say the first thing that comes out of your mouth without thinking and if you could add some dumbass joke to it all the better."

We rolled our eyes. "Don't give her a lesson on how to be a dick in five second or less."

"It takes less than five second guaranteed and you love me so it's a sure fire advice. I can charge millions. Hey, since I'm her son, i get some of the century old inheritance too right?" He asked Edward.

Edward gaped at him. "Well aren't you presumptuous," he laughed.

Dorian winked at us and held our hand. Charlotte and Edward were glowing in absolute joy on one side and Bella even felt safe on our other side. Behind us we were looked after and protected. Safe among people that we knew and love.

"Okay," we breathed and turned to look at the plaque. 

Time slowed. The world felt... off. Colors went away. The people around us seemed to just vanish. Like they just weren't there. Silent. Cold. 

Charlie Swan.

Stood before us as if he hadn't left. Looking just like the day we met him. Just like the day we lost him. And every day in between. Ageless now.  He was speaking but we didn't hear his voice. We wished that we could. But we felt him. And we felt what he wanted to say.

"We're okay," we said.

"We're sorry we couldn't protect you," we continued.

"Everyone will be fine now," we reassured.

He seemed relieved and he smiled. He heard us but we wished so desperately to be able to hear him. Smell him. Hold him. 

"Dad, never forget, you're the best dad in the world... and we love you. We miss you... please, say it back."

We felt would be words kiss our ears. A sensation of a deep embrace. And his final wish washing over us before the image of him just vanished. Color returned and noise returned and everything was back to how it was.

"Mari?" Bella asked startled. She had one hand on our shoulder.

"It's okay now. Dad left us a message."

"What?" She asked.

Edward stood beside her and stopped her from asking more questions. "You saw him?" He asked doing what he usually did. Fucking mind violator. "Sorry. It's just so... strange."

"What!" Bella asked again  and Charlotte joined her mother in wanting to know what he was seeing too. So he told them quickly marveling at this thing he didn't know could be done.

"What was the message?" Charlotte asked.

"It's interpreted. So can't guarantee if it's accurate but... he said he's glad to see that both of us are still okay. He was worried that we would be too broken up over what happened to him. He said, he loved us and all he ever wants from us, Bella, is our happiness. That's all."

Be happy.

Bella took a step back as if she couldn't believe what she heard. She only took a second to look back and ask, "and you really saw him? Really!"

"'I love you, I miss you. You both made me the proudest father in the world', he said."

Bella covered her mouth and walked away for a moment. Edward frowned and followed to support her. Charlotte didn't go but her worry reached out to her. Dorian's hand wiped away the tears that started to fall. The fear of finalizing Charlie's death ebbed away and all that remained was... peace.

"Mari," Grace and Theo hesitantly came forward. "How are you feeling? Better?" They must have noticed something because worry etched their features again.

"Mom," Dorian gasped and Charlotte shared her image of what she saw.

...

Blue eye. Green eye.

"Yeah, much better."

"...that's a good better, right?" Theo checked.

This time they saw the change. No this time they were acknowledging it.

"If there's something you want," Grace said picking up on the tells they gotten used to see when there was something required of them.

"Food. I'm starving."

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Vague here, 

This is the end of 'Soul Not Included'. Thank you everyone that has stuck with me til the end. I know there were a lot of frustrating moments here and there. Some people just can't handle an imperfect character. I get it.

I'm so happy I finished this one and so happy when I see that so many people like it. This has been a wild ride for me and I hope you guys enjoyed it as much as I did.

I had a few endings planned for this is the one that I decided to end it with. Synchro completed and a future open for her to explore with he support of the people that love her. Wherever that may be.

A long while ago i had said I wanted a happy ending for her. I promise that was my intention but for some reason it didn't quite feel right. The entire journey with Mari, for me at least, starts with good intentions, hard work and maximum effort, you know things that people say will bring happiness and that shit, sort of backfiring and not working out. The courage she needed to continue despite the world working literally against her was the entire point of her journey and while it would have been nice to give her everything in the end we decided that... that would be too much like Bella's ending. Where she would have it all and there will be no repercussions for her actions.

I've had a few different endings that left Charlie alive but Dorian died, either completely or he turned into a vampire one ending where Mari died with him. There was no complete obliteration of the Volturi. There was no massive battle in Volterra. Maria definitely didn't exist in any preexisting endings. There was an ending plan where Mari and Simon died but Augie was still alive.

Someone was always going to die, is what I'm saying. 

It was just never going to be Charlie. This was the only ending with Charlie as the casualty and I believed more than anything, it was something that, of course, it happens to her right.

You could even say she's similar to Bella. Where Bella attracts all the trouble and danger to herself but Mari attracts all the danger and trouble to the people around her.

Gods, I'm rambling. Okay. Thank you thank you thank you guys so much for being here. I love you guys. Leave comments. I love reading those. Criticize if you want those are fun too. If you have some questions about how everyone ends up after this go ahead a leave a comment asking and I'll write another chapter to answer those questions. 

I tried putting up pictures I drew of the characters up here but the pictures won't come out so I'm not sure what I'm doing wrong. If you want to see them i do have a Patreon my name on it is VaguelyFortunes. I only have one tier and it's a dollar just for general support. 

It was a pleasure to have all of you read my story. And hopefully I'll see you again whenever I think up a new project to write up.

Bye bye! <3