WARNING! This chapter contains a suicide scene! Skip it if you don't want to read it, I'll start the next chapter with a short summary! (The suicide scene is only towards the end of the chapter, I will indicate it with a random exclamation point, so you can read till that point safely.) Read my note at the end, too!
...
I was on my way to the Kingdom. Tears pouring down my cheeks.
I can't believe he said that... Negan is in love with me. He promised he would do anything to get out of the cell and be with me.
I felt like it was too much for me. I was walking very, very slowly towards the Kingdom.
I don't know what was going on with me. Maybe I wanted Daryl so much because I wanted something to live for. A reason.
But everything changed.
Daryl was just a crush. A huge crush.
I don't even know anymore what it was. It was real, but I loved Negan in a different way.
He was different.
I still felt his kiss on my lips.
I think I really fell in love with him.
But then, everything was pointless.
I think I volunteered to feed him because I had nothing to lose.
I was thinking about everything at the same time. Memories flashed inside my head.
I had two boyfriends before the apocalypse.
The first one cheated on me.
The second said he didn't love me anymore so we should go separate ways. Two days later he had a new girlfriend.
Feels like I'm cursed.
I was a secretary. Typing all day, making coffee. A completely useless knowledge nowadays.
Then came the apocalypse. I don't even know how I managed to survive. I was living alone. I packed everything that seemed useful, knives, scissors, canned food. I remember I was even carrying a pack of mineral water for a week. Then I was raiding stores, sleeping on trees. I had a rope, I tied myself to the trees. Somehow, I found Woodbury. Tara was in my class at high school, but we never really talked to each other. She was the only familiar face in Woodbury. So, I stayed, then I followed her when I found out what the Governor did. Tara didn't really give a shit about me back then. We were only saying hi to each other.
I remember joining Rick at the prison. There were so many people suddenly, no one noticed me. I became friends with Carol because I volunteered to help her out with household chores. Daryl always appeared around her. I noticed something was going on between them, but I couldn't help it, eventually, I started to have a crush on him. He was so handsome and brave and heroic. Carol noticed it immediately and teased me about him every time he showed up.
Then the prison fell. I stayed with Carol all along, when she was banished by Rick for killing sick people, to save everybody else. I helped her blow up Terminus, then we re-joined Rick. I had a heartache when I saw Daryl's reaction when he first reunited with Carol. It was so obvious.
I was just invisible. No one greeted me like that. Rick and Tara greeted me, but then I didn't really talk to anyone.
I came to Alexandria with them, too.
The Governor was worse or Negan? Definitely, the Governor, because he was going crazy. Negan seemed to be sane all along.
No, Negan wasn't crazy. He was actually very smart.
But he still won't get out of his cell.
And I won't see him ever again.
It was almost morning. I was walking very slowly.
I wanted to count how many people I killed. I mean living. I couldn't tell. Maybe around... twenty?
!
Why was my life more important than others'?
Especially, I felt miserable all the time. Feels like I don't deserve my life.
I have nothing to live for.
...
My head was suddenly empty. All the memories and thoughts vanished.
I hold onto this one thought.
I have nothing to live for.
I have nothing to live for...
Why am I alive at all?
I stopped.
I looked at my hands like they weren't mine.
I pulled out my knife, slowly.
I was looking at the blade...
I was playing with the blade...
I touched the sharp edge, with one finger. Traced it along.
I had nothing to live for...
I put it on my wrist.
...
I stopped.
But he said he will do anything to get out of the cell. To be with me.
What were the chances?
Michonne hates him deeply. She wouldn't let him out, not in a thousand years.
Maybe it will be better this way...
I cut my wrist...
I watched blood pouring.
Some would think how stupid I am. How can I feel this, how can I do this because of a guy? I didn't do it because of Negan. I didn't do it because of Daryl.
I did it because everything was too much for me. The glass of my life was getting filled with depression until it overpoured. I was depressed even before the apocalypse and I think I carried it with me, like a piece of baggage. And everything became even worse.
I was scared and lonely. I was alone for so long when I got together with people, I didn't feel them around me. It was like I was still all alone.
I guess it was just too much.
I couldn't handle it anymore.
My depression.
Because of guys, because of the apocalypse. Because of everything. Because of constant fear.
The forest around me started to become blurry.
I felt dizzy.
I fell to the ground.
I lay down on my back, I looked at the sky.
Sunrise was beautiful.
It was harder to keep my eyes open.
I started to see black.
The last thing I saw was blue eyes. Maybe it was an angel?
I blacked out.
...
(This is NOT the end of the fanfiction, it will be continued!
Listen to "My heart is broken" by Evanescence. Thank You for reading! <3
Don't hate me so much for this little cliffhanger. <3
See You next Thursday! <3)