My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

12/18/10

Ok, so as promised, this one is gonna be another depressing talk about feelings. I feel terrible.

Can anyone tell me what's wrong? I'm sire by now you can see a pattern. Anytime I'm happy for a while, my mood always turns sour. I can't help it. I just can't be content when I'm by myself. Or when I'm with other people. Quite a problem, isn't it?

What's wrong with me?

I don't even know why I'm upset this time. I'm trying to figure it out. Help me? All you have to do is listen...

Last night was good. My sister and I went to a movie with our friend. But the problems started when we got home. I don't know what it is about our friends, but whenever one of them comes over my sister and I fight. Maybe I feel lime I have to prove my point more when someone else is there. I don't know.

Then we were gonna watch another movie before going to sleep. It's one of my favorite funny movies. Usually when we watch it with our friends we get some kind of reaction. But she just kinda zoned out. And then halfway through her and my sister started playing with our dog and left me to watch it alone. It made me feel so left out. Mainly because she is supposed to be my friend. She is in all of my classes and only two with my sister, and my sister has somany other friends. But when you put all of us together it is clear who she likes more. It's clear who everyone likes more.

I'm so jealous of my sister. Is this normal? I just can't take it. When I'm alone with her it's fine. But when a friend is over I feel left out, and when I'm alone I get depressed like I am now. And it makes it even worse knowing that I'm just holding my sister back. She doesn't want me hanging around all the time, but I don't know what else to do.

I feel so alone. No one knows what I'm going through. And I can't tell anyone because they will just brush it off, and that would hurt more than holding it in. If I would tell someone and they just said ok, It would destroy me. Make me feel like they don't care. No one cares about my feelings. I could pour my heart out and they would just say,so? I'm always there for them, even when there problems are small, and I try to let them know that i care. But no one does that for me. And you guys haven't responded to my problems either. But I'm still thankful that there is at least someone to listen.

The only person who understands even a little is, believe it or not, my mom. She is the only one to talk to. She says that I'm just like she was when she was my age. Our lives are similar. We have the same problems, just in different ways.

She didn't have a close sister, but she was always in her brother's shadow. She didn't have some one taking her friends, she just never had many. She had no confidence like me. She was smart, but she didn't have a parent pushing her like she does for me.

She had a father that she hated, and we haven't seen ours in years. And her parents never told her how much they loved her. If my mom didn't tell me she loved me everyday, I wouldn't be here. She is the reason why I could never hurt myself. It would hurt her more than it would hurt me.

But she got better. She's not shy anymore, and I still am. She's more confident. Our father hurt her, but she's stronger now that she's gone through it. I don't wanna go through it, I just want the product.

But I still think that sometimes she doesn't understand. She didn't have the group of friends that I have. It's a very small group, only 4 of us, and I'm only really close to one of them, plus one friend that's not in the group. Since my mom never had that, she doesn't know what it's like when my group is invaded, like when the girl started sitting with us at lunch, or when I see all my my friends drifting closer to my sister and further from me.

I just hope it gets better. It's only the first day of the holiday break and I already feel terrible. I can only imagine what the next two weeks will be like.

But I can still feel the effects that this writing has had. I should have started this a long time ago. It's a nice way to think through everything in an organized way. Even though I feel worse as I write, I feel better when I'm done. I used to just cry for a while, but that never worked as well. I'd just end up crying again later.

Thank you all. Having someone to listen makes me feel better. Like I'm not so lonely. You know what else would help? Some confirmation that I'm not the only one that feels this way. If anyone else feels this way, share your experience. It might help you too.

Thank you.

Goodbye.