My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

9/27/11

I'm sorry I have no schedule. School sucks.

It's not like anyone reads this anyway.

I'm sorry, I'm not in a good state of mind. Thank you to anyone who does read. It doesn't go unappreciated. I got to 10000 reads. So that's exciting.

I think the exhaustion is stating to get to me a lot more than it was before. Plus I have a sinus infection, and I'm trying to get service hours and deal with clubs and fill out summer program applications and it's so much work. The homework starts to pile up after a while.

There have been a lot of chain letter circulating around my Facebook friends recently, and one of them was about "invisible illnesses" that don't cause external symptoms. It ended with, "Don't judge what you can't understand." This hit me weird. maybe because I'm so judgmental, or maybe because I'm afraid of people judging me. I just thought I'd share that.

I felt really bad earlier. Sometimes I think about the knife in my drawer. There are two main things that stop me from taking it out: the fact that someone might find out, and knowing that if I do I have to confess it to you guys. That's the worst part. I always feel so guilty. Plus it's been almost a month and a half, and I don't want to have to start counting again. So I write instead. Everytime I do I am shocked by how much better I feel when I'm done.

I don't have much to say, but I wanted to talk, and no one would listen.

It seems to me that people at school always travel in pairs. That seems to be the most efficient method for conversation. The only problem is, I'm always the third wheel. I always have to insert myself into someone else's conversation, making it much less efficient, and therefore more awkward. I feel so left out sometimes.

But don't mind me; I'm having a pity party. I'll be fine.

On a brighter note, S and I are doing mock trial this year. It's basically glorified acting with more pressure, but I like it, the club sponser is our teacher from last year who loves us, and we get to hangout withhold friends and our freshman buddies for two hours, as long as we get work done. Which we do, because we're good students.

Have I told you about our freshman buddies? They ride our bus, and they are just like S and I. They are nerdy and smart and funny and awesome. There are only two of them, but on freshman Friday one of the guys on our bus was made an honorary freshman buddy because he let me write on his arm in sharpie.

Also, I miss F4,5,&6 so bad. When I think about them I want to cry because I miss them so much.

I'm writing more storyish stuff. I can't seem to stop writing about myself. I really don't care if anyone reads; this is just a method for me to write stories without S finding them or wasting paper. But I would love it if people would read and comment. Or just read.

That sounded kinda mean. I just mean that I would love for people to read, I just don't expect it, because a lot of people can't relate. Plus I don't know if I'm actually that good at writing.

Changing the topic: I feel it is my job to document the continuing drama among the thespian group, I mentioned some of it in my AN for the latest chapter of "twists and turns" and some of it it "Yours truly", and i might have mentioned it here, but I'll give a brief recap: there are two groups among the senior thespians; one sides with the president, and a smaller group sides with the girl who lost the election. The bigger group is kind of mean to the other girl, but only when she isn't around. I have a feeling she is the same way toward them. But they are civil when they are together. I'm involved because I'm an only-slightly-biased observer, an innocent bystander to one side of the story, and I just want to tell what I see.

The president is in my psychology class, and every once in a while I hear her day something to her friends about the other girl, who I've nicknamed T2, by the way. So President and T2 don't really like each other and I find it upsetting, because I don't want to be the T2 to someone else. I know who it would be, too. One of S's old friends who she hates now is convinced that she will be on the council our senior year, and I'm worried that she will take over.

But we'll just have to wait and see.

I hate ending these, because then I have to find something else to occupy myself, and I don't want to do my homework. I let myself get away with writing because I tell myself it's productive. Which it is, I just have tons of homework that I should be doing. Of course, I I weren't writing now I would be either sleeping or crying, neither of which is any more productive than this is.

I'm sorry I don't make a lot of sense right now. It was a long day.

I spend far too much time thinking about time. How it's always now, no matter what time it is. How it passes so quickly and we can't stop it. How strange it is that time passes at all, and all we have left is moments of remembered consciousness.

See what I mean?

So I'm gonna go now. Thank you for reading. I mean, 10,000 is A LOT. And it's been over a year now! Time does pass quickly. It's amazing. So thank you for taking a little bit of your time and giving it to me. I really do appreciate it. I know I'm not the most interesting person, but I like to think that I have a little insight.

One last thing: I've noticedthat I've become a lot more cynical lately, and I want to stop that. It's not a good quality. Any suggestions?

Thank you all!

Goodbye.