My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

May 5, 2012

I know it's been over a month. And I know that probably no one is still reading. But I'm gonna write anyway, because I'm in a terrible mood, and I need something to make me feel better. So I'm just gonna write and hope it comes out as easily as it used to.

I've actually been handling things a lot better for the past month or so. I've started exercising and keepinh myself busy, so I guess that helps. But sometimes I have time to sit and think, and I feel like I'm not doing anything important. And now as I type this I feel like it's all so redundaant, like I've said it all before. Life can be so very monotonous.

As we draw ever closer to another summer, I can only hope this one will be better than the last. It can't really go anywhere but up. Although, as I'm sure you can imagine, I'm not feeling very hopeful right now. I honestly don't know if anything is ever going to change. It's just so scary to think that I could spend my whole life, the only life I get, praying for happiness and the ability to let go of my fears and not really getting better. I just don't want to feel this way anymore. I've become so resentful and jealous of other people that I'm surprised I even have friends anymore. And my mom keeps saying that I'm doing so much better, and maybe I am, but I don't feel any better. I still get depressed and I still get anxious in public and I'm still afraid of everything. Is it really "better" if the only thing that's improved is my ability to hide the way I feel?

I 'm really scared that it's going to influence my behavior at school and ruin my future. You see, I recently signed over my soul to the IB program, and from what I've heard, it's like taking real college classes with extra community service and extracurriculars and lab work tacked on. And that's a lot for a high school junior to handle at once. It's supposedly an unbelievable amount of work. And if I wake up one day next year feeling this way, it won't matter. I'll still have to do the work, and I'll still have to suffer though all of the scheduled activities for the day. I can't just break down and give up like I'm so tempted to do even now.

If that's not enough, I have grades to worry about on top of it. I've never gotten a B before, and the teachers all say that it's nearly impossible to maintain straight A's in IB. At one of the meetings we went to, the IB coordinator, who is one of our teachers, was talking about it, and he made a comment about wanting students in the program who won't break down in tears when they get their first B. He looked straight at S and I. Let me tell you, if I add a bad grade onto a mood like this, there is no chane that I'll be able to keep my composure. And can you even imagine the embarrassment that would come with dropping out in the middle of junior year? Not to mention the separation from all of our friends. We only have 25 people left in our IB class, which means we are going to have basically all the same classes. If someone gets kicked out or drops out, they have to find a way to adjust to a whole new group of people.

The future is a scary thing. I'm so afraid of screwing up this life I have that I think I'm forgetting to live it. I just really want to do something with my life. I don't want to struggle. I want to get the work out of the way now so maybe I can focus on living when I'm older. I just really hope I can find happiness someday.

I'm pretty exhausted. A group of our friends came over today to study for our huge math exam. For some reason the state decided it was a good idea to give everyone a standardized test that counts for 25% of our grades. I liked having everyone here, but it was very tiring and stressful for me. It's both nice and sad to have time to relax by myself; having my friends here put me on egde, but at the same time, now that I'm alone I'm starting to feel down.

I really wish I could give you all something more substantial. A lot has happened in the past month, but I don't think any of it really matters. I can't even remember most of it. All I know is that I'm still alive. I just have to make it through two more weeks of school, then I can focusing on conquering the next beast of summer.

I guess it deserves to be said that we had our auditions for Production class last week.  I think it went pretty well, but I guess we just have to wait and see. But it's not really very competitive, so I think we'll be fine. It's just very nervewracking to have the teachers judge you like that. I was so glad to get it over with. That's going to be a diffucult class next year. IT involves a lot of interaction with people I wouldn't normally work with.

I think I should go to sleep soon. I'm getting very tired. I hope you have all been doing well, my dear readers, and I am sincerely sorry for ignoring you for so long. Hopefully I won't procrastinate so much this time. 

Until next time, my friends. Thank you all for reading and for your continued support, even the silent support. It means so much.

Goodbye.

"Everyone is capable of looking up and wishing on a star. So catch, so contagious, this day dreamer's disease, and hope can be your sword, slaying darkness with belief."- Sanctuary, Paradise Fears. They just released of new version of this song as a single, and it has this brilliant speech/rap in it that is so powerful that it almost makes me cry everytime I hear it. It is the single most inspirational thing I've ever heard.