My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

5/6/11

so I don't have time for a full update, cuz F4 is here for the night( the final draft Of our English paper is due Friday, and after editing hers, S and I decides we have to completely rewrite it. I mean, wow. It had so many mistakes.) but I'm alone for the moment and I have some things to say about the following subjects: summer, emotions from tonight, and F4.

I'm gonna start with emotions while they are fresh on my mind. Here they are, in chronological order:

Normal, depressed, really happy, really really happy, then back to depressed, where I am currently settled. It's the easiest emotion for me to fall into. So can I break this down further?

There was a musical performance at our school tonight, and we went with a group of friends including F4,6, & 7, as well as some of S's friends. One of her friends was in it, as well as V1.

I was normal going into it. But when it was going on, my jealous, insecure, left-out personality came up. I got this feeling that I would never fit in with these people. Which really sucks, cuz I don't really have a niche at school. I was really hoping to at least be in it enough to be comfortable with them. But that won't happen, because I don't fit in anywhere. I'm unique, which is pretty much synonymous with alone.

But then it was over, and we got to congratulate our friends, and they made me feel accepted. We all took pictures and laughed and had fun. For a few minutes, I could see myself being a part of that, being happy.

Then was the best part. We talked to our theatre teacher about it before we left, and she said that soon it would be us up on stage. I honestly hadn't thought she liked us, so to hear her say that gave me so much hope, and a burst of confidence that made me so happy.

Then we got home, and the high wore off. Now I'm here, alone, tired, and wanting to cry. And I don't know why! Everyone else would go home from this completely happy and reflect on how good the day was. But all I can think about is that it's all just false hope. People are humidify me, for S or for someone else, or just to keep me out of the way. I honestly don't know why I can't just be happy!

So here I am.

We talked tonight about summer. The truth is, I'm not at all eager for summer to arrive. I'm really scared, actually. What am I going to do with myself? Boredom leads to thinking, which leads to unhappiness. I'm so scared that I won't be able to get through this summer, have a mental breakdown or something. Just thinking about it makes me dread the day school is out.

Finally, I feel like I haven't been appreciating F4 very much, always saying how great S's friends are, so here is a story about F4 and why I love her.

We had to run in gym the other day, so of course it was a bad day. I cant run, and I always finish last. So I asked F4 to stay with me, and she promised she would. However, when we ran, she sometimes ran ahead to encourage me. This may seem small, but I feel like it shows how great of a friend she is.

That's about it. Sorry if it's not up to par; it's Friday night, I'm exhausted, and I'm in one of those bad moods that I get in where I have no motivation.

Don't worry if I haven't replied to a comment or something, I'm getting there.

Thank you all for sticking with me.