My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

5/22/11

Wattpad isn't working, but I need to write. So I'm going to write this now and post it later.

I'll do two short posts today, cuz there's more I need to say that I can't in the state of mind I'm currently in.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I don't know what set me off. I'm just so tired of everything. So here I am, crying my eyes out, writing to strangers, and playing "Into the Ocean" by Blue October on repeat. I've been like this for at least half an hour now. Something just went wrong.

F4 is here, and I got into an argument with S. I ended up in my room, pissed off cuz I'm always the one to get yelled at. So my mom comes in and starts yelling at me for acting up in front of our friend. Well, I'm sorry, but sometimes I just need to get mad. I haven't felt anything for months, and now that I do, I'm not allowed to.

So I buried myself in my blanket and cried. And it feels so good. It's such a huge relief to know that I still can. Sure, the pain and sadness is terrible, but it's nothing compared to the emptiness. I can't handle it anymore.

I'm so tired of this. I don't want to live this way! What can I do? There has to be something.

The worst part? My mom walked back in a few minutes ago to put something in my room. She has to have heard me crying, but she just walked back out. Just when I thought she was beginning to understand, that she wanted to help, she just walked away. I thought she would know that I'm not just crying because of my fight with S. I'm crying because I have to get out these emotions. Everything has been hidden for so long. I hate myself. I hate my life. And I can't even talk to her about it.

I just need something to change.

You want another secret? When I went to wattpad and it wouldn't open, I panicked. I don't know what I'd do if I couldn't write. That's why I'm writing this right now. If nothing else, I have this. This is me, as I really am, as no one else knows. At least I have that.

I can't stop

I was interrupted in my writing. My mom came in again and moved my blankets. I guess she actually didn't know I was crying, cuz she got all concerned and said that it would be ok.

Then F4 came in and gave me a hug, and what could I do but cry some more? But I still don't think she gets it. I'm pretty sure she thinks I was upset about the fight. I've never gotten up the courage to tell her about the depression. I guess the opportunity will present itself when I go to the doctor.

I think my mom thinks I've told F4 and S, cuz she keeps saying they'll help me through it. But I don't know how either of them would react. I guess we'll find out soon.

You know what's funny? As soon as I'm done crying, wattpad starts working again. It's like it wants me to cry more.

I hope I can get this and another post done tonight. If not I'll do it Tuesday, cuz Monday's my last day. That's the benefit of being smart, you get exempt from exams :)

Meltdown is over. Thank you all for listening.