My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

6/2/11

i was debating on whether it was a good idea to write in my current state of exhaustion, then I realized that I've written in my worst times, so I couldn't really get much worse.

But then I go to write and the first sentence doesn't even make sense. Screw it.

Plus I kind of have news. Something to look forward to.

So the Friday after this Friday, I have a doctors appointment. And I am actually really scared. I mean, this is what I've been waiting for for years, what could finally help me. But what if it doesn't? What if the doctor tells me I should just suck it up and nothing is wrong with me? As long as I can maintain the hope that this isn't permanent, I'm ok. But if that hope disappears, I have nothing to rely on in my dark times, nothing to keep me looking forward.

What if they make me go to a therapist? I wouldn't have time once school started cuz my mom works all the time. And what if the therapy didn't work?

What if no treatment works?

What if they have to put me on medicine?

What if the medicine has bad side effects?

What if no medicine works either?

What if people think I'm crazy?

What if I have to stay this way forever?

Ok, I'm done. That's enough pessimism.

Sorry. I think this is a stage of exhaustion. I went through the bored phase, then the everything-is-hilarious phase, then the high-on-life phase. And now I'm crashing.

This is why I should not stay up till 4 in the morning! Bad self!

Obviously I've gone crazy.

But I would like to say something serious.

For the past few days I've been fine. Good, even. But tonight... the familiar emptiness is creeping back in. I can almost feel it, somewhere in my stomach or in my heart or somewhere in my body. Like it's palpable. But what can I do? It's like the universe ha determined that foe every happen moment I have, there is going to be two that are sad.

Do I put too many spaces in the text? I feel like I do, but I now that when I read stories, I like when there are breaks in the text so my eyes dont get confused. That sounded so incredibly intelligent.

Anyway, it's two in the morning, and I figure I have at least two more hours until I'm able to fall asleep, considering how screwed up my sleeping schedule is.

Am I annoying? I'm sorry. Tired me is insecure. Haha, normal me is insecure too. But tired me is insecure and irrational, almost drunk in a way. So tired me thinks that she has become just another annoying teenager. Rational me tries her best to convince tired me that she would be less annoying if she went to sleep.

But seriously, do I come off as annoying? Am I petty and naive?

Please, indulge tired me. She's curious.

Thank you all for being here for me, even at two in the morning when I need to rant and worry.

Also,I'm super sorry if any semblance of a schedule breaks down, because honestly, without school I don't even know what day of the week it is. I have the vague notion that it is Thursday, but I'm not positive.

So thank you! I love you all!

Goodnight!