My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

7/29/11

So this is probably going to be really short again, since it's like one in the morning.

I just need to say that I think I'm on my way to being sincerely, permanately happy( I hope I'm not cursing it or anything...). I know I've felt this way before, only to fall even deeper, but I think it might be different this time. I have an actual reason to feel better. And maybe it's just a placebo effect, but if so, it's working. I haven't felt the depression since I started taking it. It's too soon to be completely sure, but I do think it's helping.

Saying that makes my heart jump. It makes me scared, because I don't want to get my hopes up, but it also makes me so hopeful. And I'm so grateful for everything. Every night I say a prayer, thanking God for all he's given me, especially for lifting the depression, even if it's only temporary. It's such an incredible relief to get away from those feelings.

It's like I'm a different person. The feelings drag me down, keep me from fully living. And now, like everytime the feelings let up, it's like waking from a dream. It's hard to even remember much of what I felt for all those months. It's like I'm looking at my memories through fog; I can see what happened, but the emotions are blurred. I'm sort of disconnected from it all. Even with some of my worst days, I look back and wonder how I could've felt that way. It's puzzling now to imagine feeling bad enough to hurt myself.

Now that I think about it, it's the same for my depressive mood. When I feel bad, I can't remember what it's like to be even remotely happy. Like two different people, two different lives.

Now that that's out of the way... Ready for more internal panicking?

School starts in one week. HOLY CRAP.

Part of me is incredibly excited to get back to the familiar classrooms and assignments. I mean, the best feeling for me is when a teacher tells me I got the best grade of any of their students. Yes, I'm a major nerd. But I love the feeling of accomplishment that comes with good grades. It's the only thing I really have in life; I'm not pretty or talented, but I can solve math problems and grammar issues like nobody's business :)

But another part of me is scared of the social aspect. Like, where am I going to sit at lunch? Will I have any classes with S, or My friends? It's scary. As cliche as it is, it's true.

I should be ok at lunch, because I always have a book with me. I mean, I spent the entire 6th grade reading at lunch( F5 was actually in that class, we just weren't friends yet. I still jokingly guilt trip him over it a lot:)). I know it's nerdy, but it makes sitting by myself less awkward and boring. I'm mostly worried that I'll end up having to sit near the ghetto kids. There are a LOT of them at my school. And they're scary. When they get into fights, you better be at least ten feet away, or you'll get hit with fake hair and nails and blood. It's bad.

I'll be fine. This last week will go really quickly, and I'll get the first week out of the way, them it'll all be routine. But S is already talking about start of the year Thespian parties, and that scares me too. I'm not much o a party person, and I don't know many of them, which makes me extremely uncomfortable. But I'm not gonna let it get me down!

Also, has anyone read The Perks of Being a Wallflower? I'm about halfway through (why am I not reading my last school book? It's a classic, and incredibly boring. It's a freaking narrative. And I have to annotate. Ick.) and I can't tell if I like it. I love the format, because it reminds me of this. And the character is decent, which is an important thing for me when it comes to books, but the character's actions aren't exactly respectable: drugs, dating, and parties. And you know me, Miss Never-break-the-rules. But it's a good book so far. It's not vapid and pointless like somany books are.

Believe me, I can, and have, rant for hours about the stupidity of new young adult novels. It's one of my favorite topics. S likes to rant about it too, and we sort of just go back and forth for hours. It's actually really fun; ranting is one of my favorite activities. :)

I'm feeling so much better, I'm almost giddy. That's probably also partly because of how early it is. I feel peaceful.

Thank you all so much for reading! I love all my fans and commentors and readers and voters! You make me happy! This has gone so much further than I ever thought it would. It's a wonderful feeling.

So thank you for reading.

Goodbye, and good night/morning/afternoon!