My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

4/9/11

I have a whole list of excuses why it took so long. Would you like to hear them?  

Schoolwork, my Internet broke for a few days, I had to take the ACT this morning, and I have had absolutely no motivation to move at all this week. I have been so exhausted that I basically passed out last night. I'm really sorry. I feel like I might be disappointing people :( If I ever take too long and you just happen to think of it, feel free to leave me a message telling me to update. I would like that. But don't feel obligated, I will keep writing anyway. It will just take me longer

I'm too tired to even come up with an original transition, so I'm gonna borrow from the vlogbrothers again.

This update come in multiple parts ( I'm too tired to even count:/) : a major event that started good and turned sour; something that happened at school that gave me a hope for the future that will probably never happen; why my gym class pissed me off even more than usual, which is saying a lot; handsome more awesome wattpadders that keep me writing, despite how long I take. I think that's it. If I think of something else then we will all just have to be flexible with the story :) Hey look, it's four parts! I guess it's good that I still have enough brain power left to count once it's written down.

I don't think I'm even making sense anymore...

Anyway, part one.

Are you ready? Cuz this is major.  

I told my mom how I feel. I just broke down crying in her room late Monday night. I don't know why it was that night, but we were just talking and I ended up telling we how useless and awful I feel. She kind of understands, but I'm not sure she quite gets it. She has felt the same way before, but hers was caused by a traumatic event, when our dad left. But mine isn't influenced at all by external events. The feelings just come randomly. 

But anyway, she said that even though she's reluctant to get me medication so young, she agreed to take me to the doctor when summer starts, so I don't miss school. Everything was fine until tonight.

I was feeling upset again, so I went to talk to her. It ended up with her saying something about how S was depresse before, and she outgrew it, and I probably would too. That made me want to cry more than anything, cuz just when I thought it was getting better and she would help, she just tried to push it off to the side! She just doesn't see how much this hurts me. It's not something I'll outgrow. It's been happening for at least five years. And I feel like I'm missing my life. I don't think life is supposed to feel like this.

Brief sidetrack: sometimes I wonder why people have to live. According to the Bible, it's a trial for heaven. But I just don't get it. So few people end up happy in life. Is it worth the pain? Why go through 100 years of living to accomplish nothing and never be happy? Why did God do this to us?

Back on track now: 

I just wish my mom would stop saying that it's just a phase. Even if it is, why am I going through the pain of this phase if I don't have to? I don't get it.

Part dos: I think this was the part about my dream for the future; like I said, I'm really tired. 

So we had elections for Thespian leaders this week. They are all incoming seniors, so we were just there to vote. It was strangely formal with motions and ayes and all that stuff, but the thing that struck me was how few freshmen there were. Only like 6. Mostly me, S, and her friends. So we watched the 4 council members be chosen, and I kinda started wondering what it would be like when it was our turn. There are only going to be maybe ten of us when we are in our senior year, the rest will be lowerclassmen. So out of those possible ten, I can picture S and her friends ruling the group, sitting on stage in the council's place. And I thought that maybe by then I could be a part of that group. That maybe I could belong with them. Cuz the thing I want so badly is to belong somewhere, have a group I can rely on. And I can almost picture it. Almost.

The only problem is, I might never become a part of the group. Even if I did, I would just end up following S around. But I can dream, right?

I just realized that some of you probably don't know what Thespians are. It's pretty much the drama club. Acting and all that jazz.

So on to part tres: gym again! This time it's not just personal annoyance, I swear. There is an actual reason why I'm pissed.

So in class one day we were doing an assignment and one of the girls had to read hers out loud. It was something about nutritious meals and all that BS they try to force at us in " Wellness Class". It was some story thing where a guy was the main character. The girl said that he didn't want to learn to cook because he " didn't want to be a fag." I. Was. Shocked. She said it in front of a teacher! And the whole class just laughed and the teacher ignored it! I swear I have never disliked a teacher or class more than I did then. That is not something to laugh about. It was offensive and inappropriate and she should have been written up for it. It made me so angry. But there's nothing I can do about it. I just have to make it through the last six weeks.

Part 4!

So there are some super nice people that prove that someone still reads!  

First, youshouldknowbynow, who left wonderful comments and became a fan :) I feel like a creepy stalker for this, but I looked at your profile, and I think you are the first male fan... Sorry if I'm wrong about that, I'm super tired right now :) anyway, thank you so much!

Second,TheNamelessAuthor42, who has written her own diary! She dedicate the newest part to me, and said that my diary touched a place in her heart, which made me feel great, cause if I'm affecting people, then I must matter at least a little. It really made me happy. So thank you! And all you readers can go read hers too.

I think that's it. The ACT actually wasn't that incredibly hard, but I had to be at school by 7:30, which made me mad cuz I lost my one day to sleep in. It's also probably why I'm so tired.

So my mood whn I started this wasn't the best, but it has improved. This is really great therapy. Thank you all for helping. You should be proud of yourselves :)

Sorry it took so long, and sorry if I forgot anything or anyone. I do my best, but I'm only human. Thank you all!

Goodbye.