My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

2/19/12.

Sometimes I wish my family would just leave me alone.

Don't get me wrong, I love my family more than anything, but sometimes they just don't understand how my mind works. I don't completely blame them, since I haven't told them everything, but still, maybe if they would try to listen they would get it.

There are three things I fight with my family over.

First is the length of my showers. I will admit that I take a good bit of time in the shower, but it doesn't usually bother anyone. S and I have an unspoken agreement about when we take our showers so they don't overlap. However, sometimes those plans get messed up, especially over the weekend. That's when she gets all pissy that she doesn't have enough hot water.

I know this sounds trivial, but it's important to me. I take long showers for a reason. When I'm in the shower, I don't have to think. I can usually just turn on the radio and zone out, which is why it takes so long in the first place. I lose track of time. But my shower time is second only to sleep in importance. It's the only time I have when I can just forget about my homework and all of the stupid stress of life for a while. And maybe all of this sounds stupid, but I believe that everyone needs to escape from life for a few minutes each day, and this is my way. 

Now S keeps saying that I can only take ten minutes, which I think is ridiculous, because she always takes at least 15. My mom keeps saying I need to take shorter showers to prepare for college when I'll have a lot of roommates, but they way I see it is that I should enjoy the privilege as long as I can. I'll deal with college when I get there. I still have almost two and a half years left. It mght sound prissy, but I want to avoid the stress of being an adult as long as possible.

The second thing is actually closely related to the first, but I think it's more serious. This takes a bit of background information.

See, I have this thing about bathrooms. Actually, I have a lot of things about bathrooms. I can't use a bathroom after someone else. If I have to use the bathroom and S just used it, I have to wait half an hour then sanitize the toilet. And I can't use public bathrooms at all. I am physically incapable. I've never used school bathrooms, and until recently I couldn't use the bathrooms at my friends' houses unless it was completely necessary.I'm uncomfortable even using the bathroom when my friends are at my house. But I've been working on it.

The problem is, it isn't just the toilet, it's also the shower. So on those occasions when my shower schedule conflicts with S's, there is an inevitable argument over who gets the shower first. She always gets mad because I take too long and then she doesn't have any hot water, but when we have a time limit, if I don't take my shower first then I won't get one. I can't take a shower after someone else. I just can't stand the thought of the damp tub and the hair and dirt in the bottom. It's so gross, and it makes me feel like I'm not even getting clean.

This is the one that makes me the angriest. Our mom keeps telling me that I have to get over it because it's not fair to S. I have tried multiple times to tell her that I can't just get over it, but she doesn't understand. Really, I thought she of all people would understand, because it's similar to how everyone is always telling people with depression to just stop being sad. I can't stop avoiding the bathroom the same way I can't stop being sad, the same way I can't stop checking my backpack five times before I get on the bus, the same way I can't stop closely inspecting dishes and silverware before I use them, the way I can't stop flinching anytime someone touches me . I don't know why I do these things, but they interfere with my life. If I could stop, I would have. They in no way benefit me. Some of my friends have actually decided it's funny to mess with me, so they come up behind me and touch my hair or my arm.

On a small side note, I seriously have personal space issues. I think my biggest problem is hands. I hate hands. If someone touches me I have to pull out my hand sanitizer. I just hate to think of all the germs that are on hands. It's worse when people have sweaty hands or when I'm around food. But the food issue is a whole other problem.