My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

4/2/11

So something finally happened that I deem worthy of sharing! two things actually!

First, just a quick bit of shameless bragging: i am ranked third in my grade! Yay me! All that work finally got me somewhere! I'm excited. I was really hoping for third. I knew that first and second place were practically reserved for these other two guys, but after that it was kinda fair game ( although S has told me that everyone pretty much knew that I would be in the top 3 too. I don't know if I believe it, because, while everyone knows that 1 and 2 are smart, no one really notices me enough to know that I'm up their. At least, in my opinion.) the only thing I don't like is that first went to the guy that I think I named V1, the bad guy. He's such an arrogant jerk. He insults everyone. And he got to first by copying homework and putting in very little actual effort. But I won't let that ruin my excitement.

Second:

My school ( I feel like I can call it that. I dont know why, but I kind of feel like I really belong there most of the time) has a newspaper that the students write every month. This month there was a story about depression. It was interesting. They passed it out at lunch, and I just happened to be sitting alone that day because F4 is on a band trip, and I nearly started crying. There were anonymous stories from people that dealt with it. It's weird, but I always felt like I was the only one that felt this way, or at least the only one at our school. It kind of made it real. There was a website at the end of the article. I'll try to post a link:

http://www.helpguide.org/mental/depression_teen_teenagers.htm

Anyway, it's a really helpful website. It stressed not being alone and that you can't fight depression with willpower. It takes professional help. That really hit home, because I'm not sure I want to look for help. I don't know I'd I'll get support, or whether I want medication. And it's harder than I thought to bring it up in conversation. I've sort of talked to my mom about it, but she just says that I have to push through it. And absolutely no one else knows. I keep my feelings hidden away. But I've been thinking about asking to go to the doctor again. It's just too exhausting, quite literally, to be constantly depressed.

Another thing that it made me notice is another symptom that ice been ignoring, probably even encouraging. I tend to push people away and isolate myself. It seems like something I should have noticed a lot, but I really didn't until recently. It was yesterday, actually, when I really noticed it.

F5 called and said that he wanted us to come over for a day to help babysit his nephew and just play games and stuff. Don't get me wrong, I love F5, but for some reason, part of me didn't want to go. This isn't a new feeling; anytime someone asks me to go somewhere I'm reluctant, and I usually try to find a way to get out of it. I love my friends, and once I'm with them I'm fine, but something about having to get up and go somewhere and be around people repels me. I think it's partly because I don't want to put the effort in to actually be agreeable with people. When I'm alone in my room I can cry all I want, I can lie in bed for hours, and I don't have to move. But around people, I have to act normal. I have to laugh and joke and play. And the thought of havin to drag myself away from my solitude makes me nervous and tired. I don't even like to talk on the phone. F5 is the exception; I can talk to him for hours. But if F4 calls, I just want to get off the phone and go back to my loneliness.

Which is exactly what that website says not to do. As tempting as it is to be alone, it only worsens the loneliness of depression. Shocker, right? It seems obvious, but I do it anyway. I always write here about how lonely I am, but I'm not even willing to do anything with my friends! So I did what the website said. I went to see F5, and it did make me feel better. But I think my happy- era is kinda slumping back down. It's making me tired, and giving me headaches, but I can't keep the sadness away.

That sounded super dramatic... I swear I'm not actually that over emotional. It's the unbalanced chemicals in my brain talking.

That's basically all.

Oh, there is another super nice wattpadder by the name of LenaLambert who sent me an amazing message and became my fan, and it made my day :) so thank you!

Thank you all for reading. I heard that journaling helps with depression, especially being able to look back at it. Thank you all for making me feel a little less weird because I write a public journal :)

Also, I have a question: do you think I should ask for help? If so, how do I bring it up in a way that doesn't make me seem like I'm just looking for attention?

Thank you all, and I hope if anyone else put there is depressed, that you find a way to get better, because we all deserve happiness. And that sounded really cheesy. Oh well.

Goodbye :)

Oh, and happy late April fools day!