My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

1/17/11

I'm really starting to worry about myself. I have such a problem with people! I'm worried that it's gonna get so bad that I won't be able to leave home.

I don't know why, but I can't be around people for very long. My friend stayed the night last night, and everything was fine. But for some reason, by the time she went home I was just tired of it and wanted to be alone. And now I feel alone. There's no balance. What if it's like this my whole life? How am I gonna keep friends, or get married? I would drive myself crazy. I already am.

I know I sound so dramatic. But I'm worried that there is some deeper problem that needs to be fixed. I don't like my life, because even though it's not bad, I don't enjoy it. And I don't wanna go through life unhappy. I figure, there's very little chance of me making a difference in the world, and I don't think I'll ever make much of an impact on enough people for it to matter, so I should quit trying to live quietly so I don't bother others, and I should start living for myself. But I just can't do it. I'm too afraid of being criticized or hurt by someone. But I'm hurting myself because I'm pushing everyone away!

I'm just tired of it.

I'm rambling now and I probably make no sense, but whatever.