My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

10/21/11

I just can't stop writing this week. It's crazy. It's also currently past one in the morning, which I only mention because of the contrast between breaks from school and the school days. I haven't written this early in the morning since summer. I miss it. It has been so nice not having to deal with such strict schedules. Which is strange, because I usually like schedules. But maybe I've been wrong about that this whole time.

Anyway, we are goof back to an old structure for this chapter!

This update comes in two parts: Paradise Fears and V1.

Part one:

For anyone who doesn't know, which is probably most of you, Paradise Fears is a band, and I really like them. Coincidentally, my story Yours Truly is named for one of their songs. The only problem is, when I like something, I always ruin it for myself. Case in point: I like this band, so I looked up videos of them singing live, because I despise when a singer is so good on an album them terrible live. A little autotune is ok, but if you can't hit basic notes, you shouldn't be a singer. But that isn't their problem; they sound good live. The problem is, I get so jealous of people like that. I want so badly to be talented.

Another major problem that occurs is that when I see a video they become real people, and my fear of people makes me feel awkward, like I'm somehow invading on their privacy. Which is an insane idea, because the whole point of the videos is to attract fans. Sometimes I just feel like I'm going crazy. A lot of times I feel like I'm going crazy.

But onto the second point.

V1 posses me off in a way no one else can. And I don't think he even knows I'm there when he's not talking down to me about the latest test or essay. Which really isn't fair. Just because he talks so intelligently doesn't mean he's smarter then me. It just means that I am actually capable of holding a conversation(at least hypothetically,) whereas he is only capable of being a pretentious douche. Seriously, it's impossible to talk to him. I'm sorry, but I would rather be able to be silly with my friends than be constantly on edge and spouting out random facts. It just bothers me so much, sometimes I want to punch him in the face. Repeatedly. Random fact, I actually beat him by three places in rank. And I'm not planning on falling behind. So he can be as condescending as he wants, he will never break me down, even I he does beat me.

The reason behind this is that we recently got graded on our monologues, and of course, since he is in the school play, he is the teacher's favorite, so he got a 100. I got a 95, which isn't bad. But ALL of the teacher's favorites got 100s, and they weren't even that good. You know how some actors do the voice where it's painfully obvious that they're talking to the audience from a script? Apparently our teacher like that. Well I don't. It sounds amateur, and it draws me out of the scene. But whatever.

I LOATHE favoritism in school. So much. It ruins my day constantly. If V1 could just switch schools I would be happy.

I know I might regret saying that later, but I honestly wouldn't say it if it weren't true. And I'm not the only one thinking it. Someone just needs to give him a wake up call, because he'll never survive the real world with that attitude. When he's older, there's going to be a professor or boss that isn't going to tale that crap from him. I just hope he one day realizes his faults.

And yes, I know I'm a hypocrite. I have more faults than I can count, and I'm probably really annoying to some people. But the difference is that I don't purposely show off my faults just to annoy others. And I sincerely try not to make others dislike me, to the point that it's unhealthy.

So that's that. I can't change others. I just wish I could change myself. I don't want to be this anxious so constantly. Really the only time I'm relaxed is when I'm alone in my room. Even when I'm just talking to S or my mom I'm always watching what I say.

That reminds me, a few days ago I went into my moms room and sat down next to her like I do when I want to talk, and for once she recognized it. But when she asked what I wanted to talk about, I couldn't say. There's too much on my mind, and no words to describe any of it. I must've opened my mouth ten times before finally deciding not to say anything. I really do want to talk, I just can't seem to get any of it out. But I guess it helped a little just knowing that my mom can recognize when something is wrong.

I feel like my writing has become disjointed, like I can't get my points across anymore. It is starting to scare me. I'm worried about myself. It's not just here either; it's in my essays, on tests, and just within my mind. I can't even think anything to myself without getting stuck on my own words. I don't know whether I've just been really tired lately or if I'm legitimately going insane. I mean, I was just as tired all year last year and I did just fine. I'm really scared that I'm starting to lose some of my intelligence. I don't want to go crazy.

I'm gonna go before I really scare myself.

Thanks for reading. Goodbye.

"When you try your best, but you don't succeed; when you get what you want, but not what you need; when you feel so tired, but you can't sleep; stuck in reverse."

-"Fix You", Coldplay