My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

12/24/11 Where has the time gone?

I've been putting this off for the past week, but I feel like I can write this now. It's not like I have anything big to write, I just feel like now is the right time.

I've been feeling kind of anxious about Christmas. I've felt it for the past few years. I think it's the whole idea that I have to exchange presents with people. It has the potential to become very awkward. What if someone doesn't like what I got them, or if I don't like what they got me? I'm not that good at faking it. And I always have to rationalize everything I get, like, " I really needed that!" or, "I've wanted one of these for so long!" and it's always so awkward. And then After all the present are gone the whole rest of the day is just really depressing. There's nothing left to look forward to.

Then there's my while thing about realizing that time has past. Whenever a holiday comes around, especially a big one like christmas where we spend so much time building up to it, I can't help but realize that it's gone, an it won't be back for another year. I always think, what could I have done differently? What could I have done that it wouldn't have been a wasted day?

Birthdays are even worse. This year I'll be sixteen, which is for some reason the big year for parties. I'm dreading that day, because I'll only have one in my entire lifetime, and once it's gone I'll feel so bad that I didn't make it special enough, even if I did everything I could think of.

In other news, I've been feeling nauseous a lot lately. And dizzy. I hope I'm not sick. I hunk it might be brcause I've been wasting so much time and barely moving from my bed, so I've gotten kind of sick of being inside. I don't know. I don't think that even made sense; it's nearly midnight and I'm exhausted.

What's with that? I slept till noon today, and I'm still tired. It's like since this school year started I haven't been able to feel fully rested. It's troubling, because my mind isn't as sharp as it used to be.

I just finished a book for the first time in months. I read It's Kind of a Funny Story, whih I must say is one of the best books I've read. Parts of it were kind of awkward, but for he most part it was really good. The weird thing is, at parts if it, it seemed like I was reading my own thoughts, like the author took the words straight from my mind and wrote them out so elequently. Which might not be good, considering it's a book about a kid who gets so stressed put about his schoolwork and depression that he tries to kill himself. But seriously, when he talked about how he felt about school, it was exactly how I felt.

There are specific things I liked:

-Some of the terminology he made up is really accurate. Tentacles are things that cause anxiety and involve thought and decisions; anchors are tasks or things that are simple and bring a feeling of accomplishment, like this does for me; cycling is what happens when your mind gets stuck in a circle of stressful thoughts, like when I think about the massive amounts of homework I have which leads to thoughts of class to thoughts of theatre to thoughts of parties and auditions which together leads to a very stressed out person; and the Shift, or fake shifts, which are when you feel like you're finally better, but your not really better until that final shift.

-The main character is very relatable, especially for me. He is a teenager in an advanced academic high school, and he feels inferior despite getting all A's, an he is clinically depressed. It's very similar to me, although my feelings of inferiority extend to other parts of life like extacurriculars and arts and looks.

- When the character talks about school, it isn't just school; it's also extracurriculars and community service and social life and homework. The author has a very realistic view of how teenagers see high school.

There were a few small things I didn't like though. One is how it was over-sexualized in some parts. I know it's somewhat realistic to expect sex in young adult fiction, but I doing like how it's everywhere. There are still some people out there who enjoy their virginity and plan on keeping it all through their teenage years. Another thing is that in the book, after the main character reveals his depression, all of his friends say that they are too, which the character takes as a sign that everyone is messed up. I see it more as people trying to get attention, to look like their live are so difficult so others will feel sorry for them. I know that a good number of people are depressed, but there are also a lot of them who just want pity. Maybe I'm wrong, I just don't think it's okay to exploit an illness, real or not.

So it's almost christmas day. Happy Birthday, Jesus. And happy holidays to anyone who doesn't celebrate Christmas. Merry Christmas to anyone who does.

I'm starting to get that knot in my stomach that appears when I start thinking about things too much. I'm really string to freak myself out over tomorrow. Just the idea of it passing makes me so nervous; we anticipate Christmas for months in advance, then it's just gone. It makes me feel like life is just passing me by, like I'm never going to get anywhere. I spend so much time just thinking about school work and everything that makes me nervous, instead of actually trying to conquer them. But I'm too tired to change it.

But I'll feel better when I'm done with this. It's an Anchor; it makes me feel accomplished, in a way. So I'm going to finish this and maybe watch some tv before I go to sleep. We aren't opening presents until tomorrow afternoon because our brother is going to his girlfriend's house for breakfast, sothat will hopefully delay some of he disappointment. I just have to think myself into a better place, feel the excitement rather than the dread.

Have you ever thought about how ridiculous the celebration of Christmas is? Like, it starts off as such a simple holiday to celebrate Jesus's birth, and it turns into this "most wonderful time of the year" when we are supposed to magically be happy and spend way more money than we have to get people stuff. As kids we can ask for everything we want and almost guarantee we'll get it at no cost to ourselves. How crazy is that? We didn't earn that money or work for the gifts. And once that time is gone, you have to wait another year to ask for stuff. It's just this sudden influx of free things! It's so weird!

I think I've officially lost my mind.

Oh! I never told you about my exam grades! Let me tell you, I was pissed. Like, beyond angry. The way they measure our grades here is that the semester grade is made 40% of each quarter grade and 20% of our exam grade. The semester grade is the only one hat really counts. So my lowest quarter grade in any of my classes was a 99, and my lowest exam grade was a 90. I worked SO HARD in the second quarter especially to keep my grades at a 100 ( our grades in honors classes are out of 103), and I got all of my grades except one there. Then, after exams, I had semester grades that were freaking 98s. When I saw my grades, I cried. A lot. And my mom thought I was crazy.

But here's the thing: I wasn't really upset that my grade was at a 98, because that's a really good grade. I was upset that I put in so much effort to get my grades to 100, and I HAD IT. I was right were I wanted to be, only to have exams come along and make my final grades lower than they've been all year. I finally reached my goal, only to have it ripped away. And my friends all said it wasn't a big deal because my grades were still good. They laughed at me! When I told them that I cried over it, they mocked me! I don't think I've ever been so angry in my life.

I tried to explain it to my one friend this way: he's really into theatre, and positive that he's going to get a role in the musical. So I said, consider his: you spend weeks preparin your audition, an you do really well. You get a callback for the lead role, and afterward you're positive that you got it. But then, you end up loosing to the other guy and getting putnim the ensemble. How would you feel?

And he still didn't feel bad. So if he doesn't get a part in the musical, I'm going to laugh right back at him.

I've ranted enough; it probably doesn't even make sense. So I'm going to stop now and go to sleep.

Merry Christmas! Happy Holidays! Happy New Year! I do feel better now. Wish me luck getting through tomorrow.

Goodnight.

Thank you all so much for reading.

Goodbye.

"Christmas bells are ringing, somewhere else. Not here."-a small piece of a song, I forget which one, from the original broadway version of Rent.