My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

8/23/11

From now on, I think I'm going to try to update once a week. It will probably usually be Saturday or Sunday, but scheduling it makes it feel like a chore, so I'll just write whenever I feel like it. But I will try not to go more than 2 weeks at the very most. But guys, school is hard.

So! To fill you in on my past week and a half!

Last Monday was bad, to say the least. I tend to crash around 1:30 to 5:30. So I was just in a bad mood, and I got it in my mind that I was gonna fail all my classes. So I just didn't feel like trying.

Then came Tuesday, which was even worse. (right now I'm asking myself why anyone even cares, but I know that feeling will pass.) The reason is that there was a Thespian meeting that afternoon. I don't know what it is about those, but they always bring me down. So they talked about the party, which was this past Saturday. I'll explain more on that later.

Anyway, we were leaving, and S was talking to a few of her friends, including one who is kind of shy, and we were talking about the party. I mentioned how uncomfortable I was, and how I was always the one left out, and they kept trying to push advice on me. I know they were just trying to help, but someone telling me to just stop being so scared and talk isn't gonna do anything but frustrate me.

So I got home in a bad mood, and I did a bad thing. I was just looking at the faded scar on my wrist, and I took my thumbnail and dug it in until it reopened. Then I went to my drawer and took out that craft knife. The scar deepened a little, but as soon a I felt the skin start to tear, I stopped. Which kind of made ne disappointed in myself. Like I'm not even good enough at being depressed.

But now I'm passed it, and I'm really ashamed. What am I doing to myself?

I've noticed that recently my depression has almost stopped in the bigger cycle, now it's mostly a daily thing, usually right after school. But I was only taking three fourths of the recommended dose of the medicine, so with my mom's permission I've started taking an extra one in the morning, and it helped today. I have felt a lot better all day.

On that note, I cried at school on wednesday. So did most of my theater class. You remember that project I mentioned? S's was so... moving. Have you ever been to a poetry slam? If not, look up Andrea Gibson Letter to a Playground Bully on YouTube. It's like poetry, but very meaningful and deep. So S wrote one about her life for her project, and she mentioned all the people in her life. She started with our dad, then our mom and other family, and when she got to her friends, a few of whom are in that class, a lot of people stared tearing up. Then she had a part about her best friend, F5, and I almost cried there. But the last part was about me, and how much she loves me, and at that point the tears were streaming down my face, and quite of few of the others were crying too. I still nearly cry just thinking about it. It was wonderful, and the printed copy was passed around in all the rest of our classes because everyone wanted tosee what it was that caused so many people to cry.

My project wasn't near as cool. I tried to write something in sort of this format, since it is literally the story of my life told the best way I know how, but I couldn't do it without sounding pretentious or revealing too much. So I just brought in some things like our playbills and my favorite movie and book and my wand( most people actually thought it was pretty cool) and said whatever came to mind, which is what most people did.

Anyway, that's pretty much all that happened that week. Friday night F4&5 came over for a while, and I felt better than I had in a while, because I miss them a lot. I invited F6, bur she was busy. But I miss her too. I'm growing apart from F7, who you probably don't even remember.

Would it be terrible to add more fs? I know it's a lot, but I can't just replace people.. It would feel wrong.

More on that later; I'm trying to go chronologically.

Saturday was a big day. S and her friend somehow convinced me to go to the thespian party that I'd been dreading. The entire way there I was miserable, still trying to think of a way out of it. But we eventually made it there; it was at a girl's house, and it was raining, so everyone was inside, and they could see us out the front window. We took a minute because we were trying to control our dogs so we could get out, and someone came out to see what was going on, and we went inside, and there were 30 or 40 people sitting on the floor. We say with S's friend and they put on Rent, and for the first time I've watched it surrounded by others who knew the lyrics, and for a minute I forgot my anxiety and thought to myself, "These are my people!"

Then the rain stopped, and everyone went out to the pool. Which meant a lot of half naked people. Of course I didn't even wear a bathing suit, because I was not planning on swimming. It was really awkward at first, but we eventually fell into conversations with a few people. That is, after they stopped trying to fit as many people as possible into a tiny hot tub.

I ended up getting soaked, because I was sitting on the edge of the pool behind S's friend, and he complained about not wanted to get his hair wet, so everyone started splashing him, and I got hit with most of it.

But it was mostly fun. There are still a few people I'm not sure about, but I feel a lot better about the future parties now. I'm proud of myself for going and not being too terribly awkward.

However, since then I have been thinking back, analyzing everything I said. I'm convinced that someone must think I'm stupid.

Here's the thing; I've been doing research, and I'm convinced I have social anxiety. I went to this website:

http://www.socialphobia.org/whatis.html#whatis1

the night before the party, and I read the story about the person who was lonely and wanted to go to the party but stayed home feeling guilty instead because it was more comfortable, and it reminded me so much of how I am. But I don't want to be that way.

I really related to so much of it, from the fear of the phone and rejection to the overanalyzing. And I really want to stop it, but I don't want to cause any more problems for my mom. Besides, I'm feeling better right now.

Anyway! That was my weekend.

Not much has happened this week. I feel like I'm forgetting something I wanted to say.

While I ponder that, I'll introduce the new F! It's not definite yet, because we haven't done anything outside of school, but she sits with me at lunch, and we have really long conversations, particularly about Harry Potter, which she is reading for the first time. And she might go with us and F5 and some of his friends to see a movie this Sunday.(I remembered it!)So this is F8. She's in band, and she's pretty smart, and she's a nerdfighter! The first one I've found! I'm on my way to maybe hopefully making her a starkid. :). She's also really funny, and likes to jokingly make fun of guys, especially the one who sits with us at lunch.

While I'm on the topic, lunch is much better than I thought it would be. The guy who sits with us like to debate anything we say, but in a good way. It's nice, and less awkward than I thought it would be.

So what I want to say: I need to tell you about lock in! It's another theatre thing. This Friday night at 10, the thespians are going to be locked in the theatre until 6 in the morning. We aren't allowed to sleep, we're just going to play games all night. I was really nervous, but I'm more sure of myself now. So I'll tell you about that next time I write!

One more thing! I wrote another part of my story These Twists and Turns of Fate, whih sort of is about the party, but sort of made up. Read it if you want; I wrote it just as much for myself as I did for the readers, so I'm not gonna push it too much. Although I would love reads and comments :)

So that's it! Thank you all for reading, I love you guys! You make my life better. I would be lost without you.

Does that sound too clingy and desperate? Oh well, I'm going to speak my mind here, because everyone deserves that right. You guys can feel free to say anything too :)

I'm rambling now. Goodbye, my dear friends, and goodnight.