My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

2/1/12-2/5/12.

I know it's been a while, but there are some things I must discuss that I really don't want to discuss.

I feel like I've just started to realize what a horrid place the world is. Which both means a lot and means nothing at all; it means a lot because I've been through so much already, but on the contrary, compared to what people in other countries go through, my life is wonderful.

Some things have been happening, things involving my friends. Specifically, F8 and FB1.

I haven't really been talking to F8 since I no longer have lunch with her, but I do sit by her in math. And I still worry about her so much. She's very strange, and really puzzling, like I can't quite figure out who she is. I think last semester something really bad happened to her, but she won't tell me what it was. Since then she has been much less friendly and cheerful, and she hasn't been doing any of her work. I would know; I see her drawing (somewhat disturbing) pictures on her math notes every day. But the worst part was an observation I made at the beginning of this week: she now has scars all over her left arm. And I'm nearly positive she did it on purpose.  

All through class that day I avoided looking at her, until finally we could talk. After some hesitation, I asked, "What happened to your arm?"

To which she responded, "My cats were fighting and I tried to separate them."

I looked at her doubtfully, and after a moment she said, "You think I did this to myself, don't you?" in a sort of joking tone. When I nodded, she tried to convince me that I was wrong, but I wouldn't believe her. After a moment of silence I said, "So, do you always break up cat fights with your non-dominant hand?"

She tried to explain it away, but I don't believe her. Her cuts look more real than mine. 

(Is it bad that I'm a little jealous of that? That I'm envious that she did it right?)

One thing she did reveal is that I was the only one to notice. Funny how that happens when you know what to look for.

But I let it go. For now. If I see anything else, though, I'll tell the counselor.

The situation with FB1, my freshman buddy, is a little different. But I think it was the thing that really hurt my heart. I was sitting next to her on the bus one afternoon, as usual, when I noticed her bracelet. It was a thick gray bracelet. I wanted to look at it, so I took it from her. I was surprised to see that under the jewelry, her skin was scratched 3 times, right across the upper side of her wrist. Not as deep as mine or F8's, just like what you would get from using your fingernails, but definitely there.

I asked her about it, and this was her reply: "I had a bad night last week."

From the way she said it, I'm fairly certain that it was the first time she did it. I was just so shocked. She was the last person I would have suspected; she always seems so carefree. Although, in hindsight, I really should have expected it; a few weeks ago I took one of her notebooks out of her backpack while she was distracted, and it just happened to be her journal. I didn't read it, but when she took it back from me, she told me that she writes in it when she gets depressed.

Another reason why I was so upset is that last week, when my cut was fresh, she noticed, and jokingly said, "You have to wear your bracelet lower on your arm, so it will cover your cut."

(Believe me, I tried, but the cut was too far down my arm.)

Come to think of it, maybe it wasn't the first time she did it. If nothing else, It seems like she's been thinking about it for a while, considering a) she knew what to look for, even if she did it jokingly, and b) she knows how to hide it.