My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

6/10/11

So this was it. The day I looked forward to, the day that could change my life, the day that gave me hope to keep going. And it wasn't completely bad. Most people would say that I got what I wanted. So why do I want to cry so badly?

First news- S decided not to go to the party. That was a huge relief for me. That was a small part of the stress that I got rid of. So that was yesterday.

Today I finally went to the doctor. I was nervous, because I didn't know what the doctor would say, whether she would care at all. And I didn't know whether S would be there, since we usually just go together.

So we get called back to the exam room. S and I both go, along with our mom. The nurse( I'm guessing its some type of nurse. I don't really know what they are called. Some type of doctor's assistant? They do the initial talk before the doctor comes in, so the doctor knows why the patient is there.) talked to us and asked what we needed. The first thing we needed was to get a prescription refilled. After that, my mom asked about the depression. Then came the questions.

It wasn't a deep exam or anything. Just basic questions.  

When did this start? 

Was there anything that prompted it? 

Are you unhappy? 

Do you cry a lot? 

Are you having "boy troubles"? 

Do you have friends?( Yeah, they actually asked me that.) 

Have you ever considered harming yourself or others?

At that question, my mom kinda took over and said that it wasn't that as much as just my being apathetic all the time. I haven't told her that I have considered hurting myself, and suicide has crossed my mind a few times.

So the nurse leaves, and we wait a while until the doctor comes in. She's nice enough; she's a pediatrician, so she isn't harsh or condescending. She talks to us about the prescription and the the basic checks, then she sees the note in my chart about the depression and asks if I want my mom to leave. I just kinda shrug my shoulders, because I don't want to let on how upset I really am, how I don't feel entirely comfortable talking with my mom there. My mom says that she thinks it's fine if she stays. ( I love my mom, but she really doesn't get it as much as she thinks she does.) I think the doctor caught on to my nervousness and said that she would talk to me alone, then my mom could come back.

My mom left, and the doctor asked what was going on, how I felt. I just opened up and said that I didn't see a point to anything anymore. I nearly burst out crying then, but I knew I couldn't, because my mom would notice, and I didn't know if I would be able to stop. So she asked what caused it, whether there was some event. I told her about our dad leaving, but I said that it didn't affect me much because of how young I was. She asked me again whether i ever considered suicide or cutting. I didn't tell her how close I've come to hurting myself, but I told her that suicide has crossed my mind, but I've never seriously considered it. I guess that was an acceptable answer, because she accepted it with no fuss. She asked a few more things about why I felt that way, then reached a question that I didn't know how to answer.

What makes you happy?

I just sat there. I couldn't think of anything. I eventually said that sometimes I feel better with my friends. Then she asked about other things, like church and school. She asked what I did outside of school, what hobbies I had, and I told her that my life was basically school. She recommended joining new groups, doing things I'm interested in. I just didn't have the courage to tell her that the thought of joining something involving new people scares the hell out of me, and I'm not interested in anything.