My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

6/7/11

Dear life:

Please stop with all of the sudden anxiety; it really isn't good for my health.

Sincerely,

Unknown.

Why must my life be so full of panic? It's never-ending! I thought that once school was out I could just stay in my room alone and not have to worry about being presentable or being judged or these stupid nerves! I know, that's not exactly healthy either. I really shouldn't be alienating myself. But I just can't deal with people!

I just know that everytime I go out people are judging me. They think I'm dumb everytime I open my mouth, or ugly everytime I go somewhere outside of my safe little room.

There is a reason why I like summer, why I get better over the summer, as far as my confidence goes. As long as I don't feel judged and I'm not around all the other teenagers, I can allow myself to feel confident. When I put on a pair of shorts and look in my mirror, I feel ok about how I look. When I go out somewhere with F4 in those shorts, I can still manage it. But if I ever tried to go somewhere where I'm surrounded by teenagers, or school especially, I would freak out and not even risk it. As long as I don't risk someone calling me out for how bad I look, I can allow myself to feel ok sometimes.

But this is just too much for one week. I already have Friday's doctor appointment, plus meeting F5's friends on Sunday, and now I have another thing to worry about. And I don't care how minor it may seem, it's just getting to be too much. I feel like I'm going to throw up from the stress of it all. Or cry. Or both.

So here's what is happening. You remember how I mentioned my theatre class, how much I loved them? Well, one of them is having a swimming party at his house on Thursday. And if the swimming didn't set off my red flags, the party part did.

It's not like I don't wanna go. I I'm sure it will be fun, and I do kinda miss these people, considering I've been holed up in my room for weeks. But the thought of going to someone's house, someone I'm not entirely close to, makes me so nervous. You know how I was about going to F4's house, and she is my best friend. So in comes the panic attack!

I'm so awkward! What if I make a fool of myself? What if they don't want me there? What if someone makes me swim? Cuz I promise you now that I'm not swimming. If I must go, which my mom says I must, I will sit outside with everyone. But that's it. What if people I don't know are there? What if someone tells me that I look bad, or that I'm too awkward, or that I shouldn't have come at all? Do you know how much that would destroy me?

Why am I such a pessimist?

I know I should go and be happy. I will have S, if nothing else, plus some of her friends, who usually include me. But I'm just so scared. It's like the perfect example of a situation that causes me to panic. It's all too much right now.

But it will be good for me. Our mom says that she knows how I feel so she wants me to go to get out of these nerves. And I know I can't live as a recluse my entire life. But it's tempting. I just have to remember that seclusion will not do me any good.

How do I stop this anxiety? Now this has me stressed about the doctor all over again.

How will I get through this week?

I just need to breathe. Calm down. It will all be ok. It's just one day, a few hours. It can't be that bad.

I'm too scared that I'll screw up my future somehow. It's making me seclude myself, do everything the safe way. I just need to relax.

Sorry bout the constant freak outs. I just have a lot going on. Please, pray for me, and wish me luck, especially on Friday.

I think it's kinda funny how you can tell how I feel by how often I write. When I feel bad I write much more frequently, but when I feel ok I can go weeks without writing. Just an observation.

Thank you all for listening, and I'll try to update after each event this week. Hopefully next week will be calmer. Then again, that would mean being lonely again.

Why is life so complicated? Anyway, thank you. It means a lot.

Goodbye.