My diary: an interactive project. Sort of.

6/5/11

So I thought I should explain, and apologize for, that last update. Plus, lucky me, I get more friend related stress. So here goes!

I am really sorry for how weird the last section was. I was kinda freaked out. I just have this deep fear of the unfamiliar. It's always been a problem. It's just the most uncomfortable feeling, and I get almost sick from how nervous I am. It's even worse when my friends leavenme somewhere. That's why I'm so reluctant to go anywhere new.

To explain; it was really fine, not near as bad as I expected. The restaurant was fine, everything went ok. There were only a few things that kind of made me feel weird:

- F4's family is kind of... Short tempered. Not overly so, but still. (sidetrack: Is it just me or are all fathers quick to get angry? It seems like they get so mad over the little things, then calm down as quickly as they get angry. No? Just me?) I guess it's normal. Maybe my view I'd distorted because we can get loud around my friends, and our mom really doesn't mind cuz she likes our friends. It just seemed like anytime F4 or her siblings did anything her parents would tell her to calm down. It made me feel like I was walking on eggshells the whole time. But once her dad left it was better. Why do I have such a problem with fathers? Hm.

- (ok, if F3 ever finds this, no offense is meant). The entire time we were over there, F3 was on Wattpad. Normally that's not a bad thing, but she was kinda rude about it. She kept saying she had to talk to her "friend", some girl who is a fan of her stories. Apparently they "get each other". They have so much in common, blah blah blah. Sorry if this seems kind of mean, but I don't et why she has to talk to someone she doesn't even know when she is on F4's computer surrounded by friends. And it's not like her conversations mean anything. All she did was tell the girl that she was with her friends and wanted to talk to her in the morning. Why couldn't that wait until the morning then? It just makes me mad that she is constantly on the computer talking to someone else, like she wants to show off how many friends she has.

Anyway. Done with my rant.

So, on to my new reason for panic...

So I'm pretty used to S and I being the only ones at F5's house when we go over, except when F2 used to go. Now he wants us to meet his school friends, since he goes to a different school.

I don't know why this makes me so nervous. I guess I just get nervous when meeting new people. Especially teenage girls. They can be really judgemental. And I am really close to F5, and I don't want to cause problems if I don't like his friends. Plus I'm kinda scared that he'll ignore us in favor of his other friends, which would make me uncomfortable and angry, and probably cause our first fight. Which would make me sad, because I don't really recover from fights with friends easily. Once someone does something like that, it ruins my perceptions of them. It makes me start seeing all of the faults I used to pass over, and I get really irritable.

That was another long rant, but I'm just really worried about losing the few friends I have.

Also, my rant reminded me of what I had actually wanted to say when I began writing this!

I have been super irritable all day. I don't know why, but all day I've just been wanting to blow up at someone. I must've just woken up on the wrong side of the bed. I guess it was just a combination of things. ( I lost my Starkid sunglasses. Yes, they were cheap, but I treated them like $500 glasses cuz they were important to me. Also, I was exhausted, and S woke me up. Which made me somewhat irritated. But yeah. I had no reason to be so upset all day.)

It's just another of my moodswings, which have been increasing in frequency as well as intensity. Maybe summer is messing with me. I have noticed that my confidence increases when I'm not surrounded by classmates. Probably because when I'm surrounded by girls who are pretty, talented, and have had tons of boyfriends, I tend to feel a little inferior( although I can comfort myself by saying that I'm the top girl in the class. Go me.)

What was I going to say? Oh yeah!

So this is kinds random, but I've decided that I'm going on a diet. I just think that I would be more confident if I lost some weight. My goal is 15 pounds by the end of summer. If possible, 25. Then I would be back where I was when I started ninth grade. 15 would bring we back to the end of eighth-grade.

Anyway, I plan on doing this by carefully counting calories. I swim a lot, and use the elliptical we have. And I only eat when I have to, which is lunch when I first wake up and dinner when someone makes it, plus usually a snack at night to replace breakfast. So I hope it works. I tried doing it where I ony ate when I was hungry, but then I convinced myself that I was hungry whenever I was bored. I didn't have the willpower. So I'm just convincing myself not to eat if I don't have to.

Also, I feel kinda guilty when I do eat. And I kinda like the feeling of being hungry. I read on sixbillionsecrets.com that someone said they felt skinny when their stomach growled. I feel better looking in the mirror when my stomach is empty. I can picture my huge stomach melting off, my huge legs shrinking down, all the fat disappearing. It makes me feel better.

So this is kinda random, but I really wanna write it down before I forget, cuz I've been meaning to do it. So do you remember when I mentioned the Thespian induction? It was like a month ago. I think I forgot to mention this.

So when we were there, we were in the middle of it and they were taking a break, sort of an intermission. V1 (remember him?)was there and had no one to talk to, so he briefly talked to S and me. He started mentioning that if we wanted to be included, we had to try to include ourselves. This kind of upset me, considering how hard I try to be a part of things, but I'm just too anxious to ever really get involved. So I told him not to say that, and he asked what I meant, so I told him that I'm really self conscious about my ability to fit in and be a part of things. He actually looked slightly guilty, then he goes," Oh. Well, I like your dress." hen he just continued joking and talking with S.

I guess I just wanted to show that even villains have some good in them. I think once he saw how uncomfortable I was, he backed off and tried to be a little nicer.

I just wanted to share that. I felt a little guilty about all the bad things I said about him, especially when he started being nicer when the school year got closer to the end.

So this turned out much longer and more random thanni thought it would be. I actually thought I wouldn't have anything to say.

Oh! I also wanted to thank someone who gave me a lot of wonderful comments and encouraged me to keep writing. I believe it is Ilikedinosaurs. I was being dumb and forgot to check before I started writing, so I'm really really sorry if I'm wrong, but thank you so much for everything!

Also, if I ever forget to mention someone who comments or anything, feel free to tell me! I want to thank everyone properly.

Thank you all so much for reading. Sometimes when I look at wattpad and see all the stories, I feel like a cheater for doing this, since it's not actually a story, and is much easier to write than one. But then I get awesome comments about how I inspire someone, or about how someone relates to me, and I feel so much better.

This story is everything to me. It's my life, my heart, my soul, all of my secrets and feelings, opened up for public viewing. Thank you all for being so nice and supportive. Every read means so much.

Goodbye :)